DDs friend sex at 14

[Happymum22]

I am normally a down to earth mum who due to past experiences is fairly relaxed, I don't sweat the small stuff.

DD has a friend, not from her school, but who she knows from a gymnastics club. DD told me the other day that this friend (year 9) had sex with her boyfriend who she had been with for 2 months, DD was shocked.

My DD hasn't started her periods, has never done anything more than texted boys she met at school discos and gone to town twice on 'dates'. Shes had one boyfriend who lasted three weeks. My DD is very little girl-ish still and to imagine her doing anything other than kiss a boy is impossible for me! DDs friend is similarly 'little' and under developed but allowed a lot my DD hasn't experienced like alcohol, parties and mixed sleepovers and is at a mixed school wheras my DD is at an all girls school.

Maybe I need to open my eyes to reality but I also am now concerned, DD has been invited to a party at this girls house. She doesn't know any of the other people there expect one other girl from gym.
I don't want to let her go, just because I worry she wouln't know how to cope, she is so naive but also trust her and feel she needs to learn how to deal with such situations. I'm more worried she will feel behind as she hasn't experienced this teen culture, and her school friends more do all-girl sleepovers, trips out for dinner or pamper parties... very different world!

DD is the youngest of my 4 children, the 3 older (oldest much older- now finished uni) all were allowed to go to parties, drink, 2 had boyfriends at 16 but all knew I expected them to be responsible and to know their limit- and as far as I know they did (most of the time! Few times they certainly learnt from their mistakes). Big difference is they all started this parties etc from about year 11, when they were at least nearly 16.

[cory]

I think you need to relax a little abut the friend. Your dd has told her that her friend has had sex, not that she organises full-on orgies where everybody is forced to join into mass copulations. I had a friend who was the total opposite of me: when she turned up in our class aged 14 she had already had several relationships and had experimented with drugs. I liked her enormously, but did not feel the need to be her. I did not lose my virginity until the age of 20 and that was with the man I am still married to.

I'd say the slightly tricky one here is not sex, but this specific party and more particularly the alcohol. I would discuss this very openly with your dd and help her to come up with a strategy of how she can enjoy this party (if she genuinely wants to go) without getting into trouble. There are several ways you can do it, from being absolutely open about your refusal to drink (some very forward girls are actually impressed by an indepentent spirit) to sipping or mixing lemonade in your drink. When I went to my school leaving do I calculated the exact quantity I thought I could afford to drink without ill effects and then counted my sips. Just make sure she has a plan. And make sure she feels confident enough to say if she doesn't realy want to go to this party.