Mumsnet Talk

I'm on the fence as to what to think about this so all opinions gratefully received.
I had a call from the head of my DD year saying that a pupil had told another teacher that my DD14 had sex with a boy from her year on new years eve.
The teacher told the head of year who said she felt I should know my DD is having sex.
The boy in question was not with my DD on New years eve.
Should the teacher have found out more info and made sure her facts were correct?
Of course if this was true I'd want to know about it but not sure if teacher should have acted on hearsay.
What do you think?

It's not the schools job to investigate the children's sex lives.
They were told of an under-age situation and informed the parents. I can't see what else they could do.

I think they did the right thing. You knew it wasn't true, so it goes no further. Had they spoken to your DD first she might have had a very awkward time explaining it wasn't true, so they spared her that.

If it were true would you have want to know?

If you would have wanted to know they did the right thing - if you preferred to remain oblivious at your daughter indulging in under age sex and putting herself at risk of STDs and pregnancy (as she may or may not have used protection) then the school are wrong.

I would be quite comforted by this. If it was true I would want to know. Perhaps in their guidelines they have to tell you.

Madame I did state that of course I'd want to know. Please dont think I'd prefer to remain oblivious!

I would be wondering why the other pupil told the teacher an untruth about your DD. Has there been a falling out amongst friends or anything?

sparkling Thats what I wondered. There has been no fallings out (thank god)I wish I knew what child did the telling as this might throw a bit more light on the subject. I bet that the teacher isn't the only person they told and dont want this sort of rumour being spread.

When I was about that age, my boyfriend claimed to have had sex with me when he hadn't. Not sure who he told, may have been his brother, who was dating my sister, who told me. Anyway, might this be a possibility?

I wonder who the boy was with on NYE? Are you going to tell the school that they have got it wrong? I wonder if the boy's parents have been advised?

The school did say they would be calling the boys parents. I will call the school on Monday and set the record straight. I dont think that it was the boy that told....why would he tell a teacher? I dont think that he would have said this as he is friends with my DD and comes to our house for tea .

It's all a bit of a mystery. Is your DD ok about going into school after all this, wondering who is spreading gossip?

My Dd has no idea this is going on. All I did was casually ask her who was at her friends house New Years Eve and she just said 'the girls'. She was at her girls friends house and the parents were home. I checked all this with the mother and she said no boys were at her house New years Eve.
I'd like to know who started this and who decided to go to a teacher about it.

I was called about my dd because a boy had spread a rumour that she had slept with him.

I was very glad of the heads-up because it gave me an opening to talk to her about it. I'm 99% sure it wasn't true (she was only just 14 at the time, and I don't think had the opportunity), but at least if it had been true I could have dealt with it.

So, yes, it is the school's place to raise it, imo.

Also, in my experience, if a girl goes to a teacher with a concern about another girl it is usually done in good faith, not as a bitchy "I'm telling on X" way. It is possible the boy said it, or your daughter may have said it (to keep up with her friends), or that the day was wrong and it is true, but not on NYE.

I think you need to ask your dd about it, tbh. Because often these things turn out to have more than a grain of truth.

maybe it wasnt nye?

It's a tricky one this. I have just reached some sort of stability with my DD and cant bear the thought of rocking the boat. I know that being a parent isn't easy and rock the boat is what we have to do sometimes. But....
1) If I ask her she will deny it.
2)If I ask her she will kick off
3) She is ok at school at the mo - all the girls are friends and if she knows someone is talking about her will this cause ructions at school?

I'm not 100% sure that whoever told the teacher has DD's best interest at heart, although I may be wrong,there are some nasty pieces of work at her school.

I wouldn't let on to your daughter, nor would I react to the gossip, which may well be malicious and designed to get your daughter into trouble. But I'd try to keep the channels of communication open with her, and make sure she knows she can talk to you.

I agree LebOF Things are much better (just for today anyway !) with DD and I really dont want to set things back.
We have had many conversations about sex and I have said that I would allow her to go on the pill (gulp) if needs be. She has been adamant that there is no need for her to and she's been quite put out that I've even suggested it.

I don't know - I think you need to go back to the school, and say that to them. Ask them to look into whether they believe it was a concerned friend or a troublemaker (they should know).

If it was a concerned friend, either the boy is saying it, or possibly your dd is saying it (maybe to get attention) - in either case she needs to know.

I am going to phone the school on Monday . I really dont think the lad would say it and fairly sure my DD wouldn't either. I hope the school can may be ask the pupil that told the teacher to say exactly where/who they heard it from. Like you say Maryz the school should have a good idea as to who's a stirrer.

I'm not going to mention it to DD though.

I think you will have to tell your dd.
Iwould tell the school you that these are lies and you are concerned about gossip around the school about your dd. They must monitor it. You may never get to the bottom of it and it may be better to just move on and put it behind you ASAP. Digging deeper may make things worse in the long run for your dd at school. You say things are going well, so be happy with that.
If your dd finds out (which she may) that you knew about this and didn't tell her, it may start trust issues. However, only you know your dd week enough to make that judgement. Tricky.
The school have a duty of care to inform parents of all sorts including self harm which parents maybe unaware of.

I think it's the schools duty to share it tbh. They have a duty of care and since your DD and the boy are under aged, then it's a child protection issue. A teacher has a duty to tell the student, they will not make any promises not tell anyone.

Imagine if the head had ignored it and it was true? Things could have been very different.

I would never criticise school for giving me information about my teenager, right or wrong. The more communication the better, as far as I'm concerned.

How did things go today doinmummy