DS2:student spendthrift

[WelshCerys]

DS too first year at University. Loan came in late so we sent him occasional sums - added up to several hundred, money we struggled to find. (Modest incomes, insecure jobs).

Loan came in and he didn't do the first thing that he should have done which was to re-instate the DD he had with the Uni to pay his accommodation. Now, it's the end of term, nearly, and he hasn't paid the Uni a penny. Being cagey about how much he has, though admitting he went on the odd spending spree. Expensive jeans, football boots (claimed new ones we'd bought him in Sept got lost) etc etc. His Uni card takes care of his meals but still he says he spent a lot on food. So, so far, nothing has been paid to Accomm and we've told them that clearly we'll have to pay the balance once he's made a card payment for this term.

We can't afford the full fee -
So a) what to do about this - DS will be chucked out if payment isn't made;
b) he's home next week - are there services out there that talk to young people, robustly, about budgeting
c) Private landlord for accomm next academic year (can't stay in halls then) wants cash deposit - DS doesn't have the money and would we pay cash? I don't think so!
d) no sign of DS wanting job over Xmas - doesn't have his foot in any doors as he's only worked for a few days and that place isn't looking for staff.

Love him, longing to see him but so worried about his attitude to money and our ability to pick up the taps, again.

[countydurhamlass]

i think you shouldn't bail him out, if he wants to stay at uni then he needs to get a job to pay towards it. there is only so much you can do and if he is not prepared to help himself then why should you? i was a student living away from home and managed to get part time work which i managed to live off, food only costs a lot when you eat out and buy takeaways! i admit most of my spare money went on alcohol but i always made sure everything else was paid first. when he says he spent alot of food could this be alcohol? its very easy to do as a night out here and a night out there soon adds up.

i think you need to make it clear to him that when he comes home he must get an xmas job and he alone is responsible for paying his accomodation fees. i think its a case of you need to be strict with him to help him in the long run. also you need to think of the bigger picture - this is the first year and there is another three years to go - are you prepared/able to support him financially until the end? this is what he will probably expect

[countydurhamlass]

other option it to bail him out this time but when he gets another student loan you keep the money, pay his accommodation and then give him so much a week to live on. that's what my parents did for the first six months until they knew i could manage my money

[Alouette]

Bail him out this time, but in the future have all bursaries, grants and student loans wired to an account that you have control of. DD him the funds as he needs them. It's quite clear that he's not responsible with money, has he had a job before?

[WelshCerys]

Thank you so much for your wise words, durhamlass and alouette.
Decision taken to bail DS out but with,as you both suggest, strings attached. He left us with a massive shortfall - was only able to pay about half his accomm costs as he'd spent the rest within weeks of getting his loan.

Also spent the considerable sums we'd 'lent' him before the loan came in.
Now, DS is home - which of course is lovely - but with no great desire to get a job. He's only worked for about 5 days in the past - very reluctant to do so but actually quite enjoyed it. His attitude towards money hurts - he knows we struggle - DH has an additional job cleaning to make ends meet.

Alouette - going to look carefully into your specific suggestion - if the loan had been received by us, the Uni would have been paid forthwith. Perhaps for the remainder of this year, it's a very good idea. Will let you know.

Thanks again - any more thoughts welcome - this is such a preoccupation.

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

I'd be pretty damn cross If I were you!

My DD1 is in her second year now, and like you we aren't rolling in money.. we struggle to send her £30 a week to eat..everything else is paid from her student loan. BUT she got a McJob and worked the summer hols there..
In term time she does occasional work..babysitting, direct payments caring (for a disabled child) and if she wants new stuff she works for it. DD is a medical student so doesn't have as much free time as most Uni students but still manages.

Your son HAS to get off his ass and get a job..there ARE jobs out there.. (if he applies to Mc D's for instance they will use him whenever he is home for the hols) I think you need to make it VERY clear that you won;t bail him out again..if he is thrown out because he hasn't paid..it's sad but possibly a lesson he needs to learn. I don't know any students of my daughter's friends who aren't doing some sort of job!

Please don't enable him any more. I know it's tempting to no matter how hard it is for you financially, but he will only learn when it hurts HIM. My DS1 (18) is just the same with money..thankfully not at Uni but in his first full time job and is still penniless at the end of the month:(

[MrsJAlfredPrufrock]

Of course you should bail him out. Make it clear to him it's a loan until next summer and then he can pay you back, with interest. Be sympathetic, and tell him everyone makes the same mistake when they first get some money in their pocket. He'll get the hang of it. He probably feels awful about it. Please don't let this be the reason why he drops out of his course.