how do you balance spending on siblings?

[Casxy]

What if one needs more spent on them than another? I found it easy when they were smaller - we tried to give each a fair number of the opportunities that came up regardless of fairness in the costs. But now they are teens they also need to realise the value of money. Is it part of my job as a parent to make it clear that life is not fair and you get out what you put in - even from mum and dad?

Current dilemma - and would love to hear how anyone sorted their similar ones out.
DD1 is at university. Works very hard academically, always been careful with her money and things. She has her loan and an allowance that should mean she doesnt have to work while studying but isn't flush.This year she cannot come on family holiday with us at half term as at university. She certainly cannot afford to go by herself even if she works over xmas which she is trying to set up.

DD2 is at home (year 13) . Works but not hard, very good socially. She'd really like to have left us behind if at all possible by now: friends and bed are most important. Has a part -time job and lots of babysitting so has money to go to clubs get 3 am taxis home at the weekend, buy loads of clothes etc. We fund driving lessons (just passed), petrol, phone, allowance and of course family holidays. She is careless with possessions, and has just lost her phone and ipod while out clubbing. She also wants to invite a friend on family holiday as DD1 not going.

I look at them and wonder why I am funding the daughter who loses stuff and spends it on drink, and not the one who knows the value of money and works hard. I am wondering whether to tell DD2 that we will replace her phone but with cheap model - cue bad mood or her spending even more time earning money rather than college work. Or tell DD1 that I'll give her some extra for her hols.

Any ideas?

[ilove]

Why is the eldest not having her allowance, phone and food-instead-of-petrol money from you?

[Casxy]

Used to be the same for both but DD1 is now away at university. We gave her an all-in-one allowance (topping up her loan a bit) so she would be independent. Its meant to include everything necessary (rent clothes travel food entertainment books) but not holidays. DD2 gets a smaller allowance and the use of a car seems necessary for growing up in a village and the phone for security.
Both use my car (DD1 when at home) so they just wait for me to fill up.

[mumeeee]

We just spend what we need to on each DD it all works out in the end. DD1 is 24 and married so we don't give her any financial support at all now. DD2 is 21 and at uni. We pay most of her rent and occasionally give he'd a small amount of money. She Sid come in holiday with us in the summer but doesn't usually come now. We did exactly the same for her sister when she was at uni. DD3 is 19 she had some learning difficulties so still at college. We give her a small allowance ( but she pays for her phone out if this). We pay all get college expenses and for Drama club. She comes on all holidays with us and we so sometimes buy her stuff. All 3 DDs are fine with this and know that overall we have spent roughly the same on them but at different timed of their lives.

[hellhasnofury]

I guess I found it all balanced out in the end. We encouraged them to get paid employment as soon as they could even while at college/uni to fund their own phones, nights out, clothing, car costs etc. We gave them a small allowance until they were 18 then it stopped. DD, age 21 has just started at uni, she's living at home and is working to pay her own way. DS, 19 lives at home but works full time. He now pays us rent but if he follows his dream and gets into Uni he'll be rent free to but he'll be expected to work as well.

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

I have 4 teens and on a day to day basis I just help with that is needed as far as I can.

DD1 is at Uni, we can only afford £30 a week to send her for food..the rest she has to earn ..not easy as she is a med student so not much free time, but she works ar MacD in the holidays. I pay for her phone and for her books.

DS1 has just got his first full time job.. he's 18.. nothing exciting but now he contributes to his keep £30 a week which helps pay for his sister. He is paying for his own driving lessons etc and I have stopped paying his phone as he earns as much as I do!

DD2 is in 6th form, works part time and pays her own bus fare clothes etc but I pay her phone and give lifts.

DS2 is 14 and disabled and quite honestly his disability allowance feeds us:( He has few 'wants' and is autistic but his one obsession is musicals so we try to take him to as many as we can with his allowance as it's the main pleasure in his life, and the other children totally accept this (we take them too when we can!)

I have expected mine to have p/t jobs from 16 and pay for their luxuries and I can't pay for driving lessons etc..that is up to them, but I will help out each according to actual need. I try to spend roughly the same amount at Xmas but don't add it up exactly!! I figure it probably evens out in the end:)