DD's 16, going on 17....

[WeNeedToTalkAboutSauvignon]

Hello All

My daughter is nearly 17 and has been going out with her boyfriend (a couple of months older) for nearly 2 years now.

We have a very good relationship and she has always known she can talk to me about anything ? and always has.

They are both virgins and for both of them this is their first relationship. They are also great friends and have worked so hard for their exams with him gaining all A* and DD gaining all As so very proud of both of them and know they are both responsible and know how to behave themselves.

DD has asked if it would be ok for them to spend nights together in our house. Not to have sex but to just have the closeness of being together.

I don?t have a problem with them staying here together but my DH has said absolutely not and that it is showing disrespect to us.

Am I wrong to think that if she is in a loving, committed relationship then it really isn?t the big problem DH seems to think it is?

[Tortington]

no sex

i think you are both delisional tbh. there needs to be discussion on safe sex and contraception immediatley.

if you dont want them to have sex in your hue thats your right. but they will have it anyway

[piprabbit]

Why would it be disrespectful to anyone for an adult, who could legally be married, to have sex with a long term partner.

I agree with Custardo re: full and frank discussion of safe sex and contraception.

You also have the right to set rules, perhaps not sharing a room, not being blatant (disappearing off to bed early with much giggling would really annoy me) especially if there are younger siblings.

But don't think they won't have sex, because they will - maybe not immediately, maybe not in your house, but it is something they will be moving towards quite naturally.

[WeNeedToTalkAboutSauvignon]

Of course they will have sex at some point. I am honestly not being delusional - really not that naive I promise you!

We have discussed contraception, safe sex etc since DD became a teenager.

But as you say, they are young adults who have proved themselves to be responsible and courteous and I feel that should be appreciated and not treat them as oversexed teenagers who can't control themselves.

Thanks for your input - always good to hear other opinions.

[piprabbit]

But it does sound a little bit as if your DH might be closing his eyes, sticking his fingers in his ears and hoping it will all just go away.
The 'disrespectful' thing is very hard to properly discuss because it will always come back to 'well that's how I feel and I'm not changing'.

Can you talk to him about what behaviour would be acceptable to him? Try and move him onto more concrete issues rather than the subjective ones.

[WeNeedToTalkAboutSauvignon]

Thanks Piprabbit - you've got it exactly. Fingers in ears and singing "lalalala".

And of course he remembers being a 17 year old boy!

We've talked alot more tonight and he is going to have a chat with DD tomorrow (or should that be today?....really must go to bed!)

[LeBOF]

I would personally say no. To me, boyfriends staying over is something they can do once they've left home.

Dd1 (slightly younger, just 15) has a steady boyfriend, and spends loads of time with him, but there's no way on earth I'd let him sleep over, even if they were a bit older.

Disrespectful? Not really. But it's a privilege too far, and they need some reason to eventually fuck off and get their own place. If that's sex, so be it. And don't kid yourself it's anything else.

[mountaingirl]

Ds is 16 going on 17 and to be honest my response to a girlfriend staying would be no. I didn't bring a bf to my mother's to stay until I was 24. What lovely parents you are if you do but as I said at the beginning the answer here is no.

[SootySweepandSue]

2 years is a very long time to have a boyfriend and not be having sex. That is my honest feedback.

[WeNeedToTalkAboutSauvignon]

Thanks for all the replies.

Sensible and frank conversations today and all decided that it is too young.

And LeBof - excellent point...I do imagine that I will still be asking DCs to tidy their bloody bedrooms when they are still living here aged 30......

[piprabbit]

Sounds as though you and your DH have managed to hit the right tone when talking to your DD - so glad that you've managed to work it out together.
It is so much easier if teenagers can be encouraged to make their own decisions (which hopefully fit in with the rest of the family too) instead of just being given rules to flout.

[lesstalkmoreaction]

I also have a dd age 16 with a boyfriend of 2 years both with good gcse results, but mine have stayed over in my house and in the boyfriends. They do not sleep together, they spend the evening with the family playing,chatting with siblings. At bedtime dd goes to her room and the boyfriend sleeps on the sofa, they do stay up chatting but we are around and I do trust them, it usually happens after they have been to a party and it works out easier to sleep over, its not a regular thing.
We are in contact with the boyfriends family and the same thing happens there except my dd has a room to stay in.
I am not so daft as to think that one day they may have sex, but at the moment they are both quite open about not having sex, they are both very mature and I hope that by being welcoming into our family and vice versa that they will have respect for us and each other.
I think by banning sleepovers you are saying you can't trust them and presuming that they will have sex.