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Teenagers

cannot cope any more......

20 replies

needadviceurgent · 09/05/2011 07:07

Long post sorry!
Am a single (divorced) mum to 2 DD. DD1 is 22 (almost 23) and DD2 is 17 (almost 18) and quite frankly I have raised a pair of monsters......

We (including ex DH) had a crap time during the period leading up to the divorce, mainly caused by my abuse of alcohol, which I fully acknowledge and have sought help for and it is no longer an issue. (Apart from my feelings of guilt which I just have to live with.)

We split as a family with DD1 staying for a couple of years with my DM and DD2 with her father. We commenced living together (me and DD1 and DD2) again in 2003. Financially things have been 'comfortable' but I have worked full time to provide for them since the divorce. (Ex DH has 'contributed' £200 per month since 2008 once the CSA got their act together but that is a different story!)

My work contract ended in Feb 2009 and since then have been working self employed but unfortunately am struggling to make ends meet (vast understatement!) and am due to return to full time work in June.

So one part of the problem is financially things are crap but the main problem is the attitude of both DD.

DD1 works full time (earns 22K pa), DD2 is currently doing A levels and is off to Uni in Sept, gave up her part time job as she needed the time to sleepstudy. DD2 is just about bearable to cope with, I can have a rational conversation/discussion with her and [sometimes] she listens and acknowledges what we have spoken about. (Apart from the issue with tattoos and various piercings which I expressly forbid but she went ahead and did them anyway and the recent matter of the abortion I had to 'support' her through.)

DD1 on the other hand is (or has?) pushed me to the limit. Her attitude not just to me but seemingly to everyone around her is quite simply appalling. I obviously bear the brunt of everything as 'it is all my fault'. If I try to speak to her I am screamed at. The atmosphere in the house is like walking on egg shells. No one ever knows how she will react or the mood she may be in. I found out she was smoking weed (seems to have stopped since March, cannot find any evidence she is still doing it) forbid it in the house and spoke to our Doctor about her behaviour. His advice was to throw her out which I simply cannot do due to the feelings of guilt I still harbor and obviously because I love her. She thinks her contribution of £150 per month entitles her to behave in any way she feels like. I have explained to both of them the very real threat we face in losing our home yet feel once again this has not been listened to. I haven't asked for money just help in reducing bills etc etc. May as well saved my breath.

The way I have woken up feeling today is beyond awful. Even the diazepam from the doctor isn't helping any more. I could quite easily get in my car and never come back. DD1 constantly tells me she hates living here and if she could afford to she would move out? Please someone tell me what I can do to change things.

OP posts:
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Goblinchild · 09/05/2011 07:42

If you love DD1, make her leave and learn to live as an adult. You are allowing her to remain in a child/blame relationship with you and not letting the relationship evolve. into an adult one between a parent and a grown child. She is behaving outrageously, did she go to uni or live away from home for an extended period of time? She needs to.
If you need to move house and downsize or rent because of financial pressures, many have done that and it may ease the anxiety you feel.
You are trapped, but you can escape.

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juneau · 09/05/2011 07:54

If she's earning £22k a year she can afford to move out and live in a house-share. You are doing no one any favours by allowing your feelings of guilt (which she clearly knows about and exploits), to allow her to treat you and your home with contempt. Your doctor is right - listen to him. She's quite old enough to be taking responsibility for herself. In fact, it sounds like it would do her the world of good.

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/05/2011 08:09

Your DD1 needs to move out.
She is grown, she is earning. She needs to learn to be independent and you are not helping by allowing her to live at home.

Move her out.

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gingeroots · 09/05/2011 09:26

needadvice urgent - I'm sure above advice is good but I can imagine how hard it will be to take it .
Hard to overcome your feelings of guilt and love and hard to get your daughter to do it.
Many people with help of a DP and no money worries would struggle with this one .
I'm worried if you're feeling down and vulnerable that trying to follow such a tough line will make you feel worse .
Have you anyone who can support you ?
Sending hugs .

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josla · 09/05/2011 09:28

You poor thing. My DS is 16 and I know what you mean about eggshells... I also feel like it's the end and I just can't go on like this. I think you have to get her to move out, if she is like my DS then she has no concept of how hard it is to run a house while being screamed at and belittled... Remember you are not alone and we are not bad parents, all kids have their issues, we are just in the middle of it.

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afeica · 09/05/2011 10:27

Goblin, she has never lived away from home apart from the couple of years she was with my DM (who also btw continues to put the blame on me for her behaviour).

I am more than willing to move house but am desperately trying to remain here until DD2 finishes her exams in June. I do have a DP who supports me but obviously the circumstances are putting a strain on our relationship.

I know I have over compensated (spoilt) both of them to try and make amends for past events but I cannot allow this to continue any longer.

DD1 text me earlier to say she is very upset with me, I didnt bother to reply so she called me. I made the remark that it is nothing new for her to be upset with me to be told to fuck off and have the phone slammed down on me.

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afeica · 09/05/2011 10:28

sorry to confuse anyone but I name changed for the original post but have now revealed myself, but to be honest I am past caring!

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josla · 09/05/2011 11:00

afeica, she still is wanting you, and your attention, that's why she rang you after you didn't reply to her text. This is what little children do - I see this in my DS.

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Wordwork · 09/05/2011 11:09

I agree that the best thing might be to tell (not ask) her to leave. You mustn't let your feelings of guilt define the situation. She is an adult and can only live in your house on terms that are reasonable. You don't have to 'make amends' for difficulties during her childhood by continuing to parent her when she is an adult, and by continuing to tolerate childish behaviour in her. And anyway you might be helping her more rather than less if you draw a line under her childhood by making her leave.

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purplepidjin · 09/05/2011 11:15

At your DD1's age I bought a flat and started paying a mortgage. On about 9k less per year (and no I'm not in a cheap area, either).

She's an adult and you need to be tough on her to teach her the right way of doing things. Ok, you feel guilty for your past actions. You've apologised and moved on. Now dust off your tough love hat and say no to her!

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/05/2011 12:26

You need to remind yourself that helping her to stand on her own two feet is good for her.

It is your job to prepare her for life - you are not doing her any good by letting her stay at home like this.

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Maryz · 09/05/2011 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

afeica · 09/05/2011 17:19

Maryz, thanks for the other thread it is reassuring to know I am not the only parent in the same position.

I am dreading what mood she comes home in later, bearing in mind our earlier 'none' conversation...................

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Hassled · 09/05/2011 17:27

You must stop blaming yourself. All parents make mistakes along the way - there has to be a point at which you think enough, I've done my penance, I've served my time. And you have - you've kept the family going. You can't undo what's done, and as long as you keep taking the blame, she'll keep blaming you.

She has to move out - she can afford it, whatever she says. And that really is the kindest thing you can do for her. You deserve, at this stage, a bit of peace in your life. She'll shout and swear and stamp her feet, but a few years down the line she'll thank you for it. She has to take responsibility for her problems now, and until she does she won't grow up.

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/05/2011 17:32

I don't think you should think about it as "throwing her out". You won't be doing that. An adult child moving out an an appropriate time is not thrown out. It doesn't have to be something negative.

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afeica · 09/05/2011 18:21

I am trying to remain positive as her return home is imminent. I don't want to do anything that has a lasting negative impact on our relationship but, given the circumstances at the moment I don't really see how it could be any worse?

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HHLimbo · 09/05/2011 18:32

I agree it doesnt have to be a case of 'throwing out'. You can help her make the decision to be more independent.

Explain to her the financial situation, and that now she is an adult earning a good wage. Look up the standard rate for a room in your area, and ask her to pay that, plus a third of the bills. This is exactly the same as she would have to pay in a house share, and it is fair for her to contribute fully now that she is an adult earning well. She will then have to live within her means, and perhaps she will prefer to chose independance and appreciate you more.

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afeica · 10/05/2011 09:41

Well in the scheme of things last night was relatively peaceful.....

Tried to speak to DD1 to no avail, DD2 decides to get involved and texts me what a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a mother I am and we may be living in the same house but not to bother speaking to either of them.

Nothing said this morning but the day is still early!

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HHLimbo · 10/05/2011 18:53

Write her a letter?

I think you need to take action because it seems she is just stirring up more trouble. Put down some firm ground rules.

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josla · 15/05/2011 09:20

Afeica how are things going with them both?

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