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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

I feel like i've 'lost' my daughter since she started secondary school....

18 replies

MrsDucklips · 23/03/2011 13:24

This is my first Mumsnet post so forgive me if it rambles! My eldest daughter (12) has always been a dream child - out of my 2 daughters she's always been the good one. She started secondary school in September and literally within 4 weeks she's changed completely. She gone from telling me everything to grunting at me (if I'm lucky). She spends far too long on facebook in my opinion (so we've restricted it to 1 hour only on a week night) and texts constantly. She isn't a 'bad' kid just not the one I've had for the past 12 years. Tbh it isn't her that's the problem cos I think her behaviour is normal for her age, it's more the way I feel about it that's the issue. I literally feel like I've lost someone and am grieving. I feel tearful and am sleeping fitfully - I do realise how pathetic this all sounds (especially having read other posts and know what other parents are having to go through) but I just wanted to know if I'm the only one?

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mam · 23/03/2011 13:29

Does not sound pathetic at all. Friends keep warning me that this is on it's way for me too. Do not know what to say that is of any help. Just sorry you are going through this. Maybe she will change back suddenly - you know maybe just testing things out but laying down ground rules will enable her to change for the better after she realises facebook etc are not the be all and end all.

MADABOUTTHEBOY2000 · 23/03/2011 15:58

hi i answeerd on the other one it came up twice

Skifit · 23/03/2011 16:08

Children pick up some unlikeable characteristics once they start secondary school it seems. My DS came back the first week saying his teacher was a total bitch !! He had never used that word before. . . . ever !!
Your DD is most probably full of teenage hormones now at 12 yrs and this can make them different. The sweet, smiley good tempered little child suddenly turns in to "Monster" ..so to speak .
My DD (now 20yrs) was rude, and so horrible to me. DS ( now 22yrs) at 14yr just grunted and never smiled. I have it all to come again with DS who is now 10yr. Speak to you GP if you are very worried. Also try when DD is in a good mood to talk with her. Ask her if anything is troubling her. Does she have friends at school. Is she happy there. ???? etc etc.
Know you are not alone. . .and this is normal teenage behaviour i think.

Skifit · 23/03/2011 16:10

I know its hard , but try to put it all into perspective......
The main thing is, which is more important is she is fit and well, and you love her and care. Even though she is like this, deep down she will know you care.

MrsDucklips · 31/03/2011 17:10

Thank you all for your words of encouragement - we're definitely getting there! She's a good kid at heart just growing up and changing fast - and I need to adjust just as quickly.

OP posts:

stillfeel18inside · 31/03/2011 17:41

MrsDucklips - you've voiced exactly how I feel with my DS who is also 12 and in yr 7. He veers between moody/uncommunicative/teenagerish and being a complete nutcase rolling around on the floor shrieking and fighting with his little brother (they never fought much before). I know it's all down to hormones plus the challenges of "big school" but that doesn't really make it any easier. I think school has a lot to do with it - he's happy and has made friends, but still, I think they all feel under pressure to appear cool etc so when they come home that's when they can let off steam in various ways, and in his case, he's mean to his brother because he can be (whereas at school he's one of the "little ones"). I know exactly what you mean though about grieving for the person they were - I've been reminiscing about how sweet and affectionate he was as a toddler and looking at old pics etc! I know that everything's a phase, but I agree it can feel really miserable.

bigTillyMint · 31/03/2011 17:47

God, I was just thinking the same thing this morning!

DD spends every evening doing texting homework and then watching the TV my bedroom as she refuses to watch what DS is watching now. I don't dare speak to her in the morning as she invariable barks (or worse) at me, and I'm very fragile in the mornings. She is out to a friends tonight, tomorrow and at a sleepover on Saturday then shopping with friends on Sunday at 4ish, so will be knackered and grumpy.....

Oh well, Easter is only a week away and then we are on hol for 12 days together, gulp!

BluddyMoFo · 31/03/2011 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KateF · 31/03/2011 17:51

I know exactly what you mean. I'm having a hard time with my 11 yr old dd1 who has become a moody, aggressive, sweary little madam recently. basically whatever I do is wrong and she's insanely jealous of her sisters but there are still glimpses of the dear, funny little girl she was....

bigTillyMint · 31/03/2011 17:52

Oh, and she has a "boyfriend" - he seems to be getting all her texting attention!

Smum99 · 31/03/2011 17:53

Ah, I remember the 12 year old stage - couldn't see what had happened to my lovely DD. I remember reading a comment that helped me. "12year olds have more bad days than good, 14 year olds has more good days than bad", essentially it does get better with time. My dd is now the most wonderful young lady but watching her grow into adulthood isn't easy.

One think I really noticed is that they seem to need so much more sleep - secondary school is more demanding and without sleep they can be like overgrown toddlers having a strop.

bigTillyMint · 31/03/2011 17:59

Smum99 yes, but how to get them to go to bed earlier?!

LaydeeC · 05/04/2011 22:15

Oh, my goodness - have you taken my dtr and sneaked her into your house?
This exactly describes my little one who is Yr 7 but one of the youngest as August born.
She has become unbearable to be around sometimes, she is rude, she screeches, flails arounds, pushes us when we say something she doesn't like and is unbelievably rude to us. It is hard at times to see through the red mist and see what positives she contributes!
But I love her dearly, and feel very weepy, looking at photos of her as a little girl and feel desperately sad that those days have gone. I never knew parenting would be such a rollercoaster.
It seems harder as her older brother is autistic and she has always (inadvertently) been the 'easy' child.
It all serves to make me feel like the most useless parent in the world.

GypsyMoth · 05/04/2011 22:22

oh ladycee you sum it up so well.

my dd seems to hate me,yet goes out of her way to spend time with me.......she says vile things,then later laughs and says i shouldnt listen to her.

jesuswhatnext · 05/04/2011 22:50

my dd is 19 - we went through quite a phase, covering most of what you have all talked about - i now have my girl back! , yours will come back too!

in the meantime, try and remember you ARE good and loving parents, try not to throttle them! , (an understandable but unfortunate action! ), keep your sense of humour and the years will fly by!

Hassled · 05/04/2011 22:55

You poor thing - I've been there, and it's shit. You lose any sort of control, which is hard, but that's not really the problem - you lose that hands-on involvement, the knowing about all the little stuff.

All I can say is that you'll get her back - that was the case with my oldest DCs (now 23 and 21). Just keep all the channels open - give her the opportunity to talk, try and do some fun 1-1 stuff together, count to ten a lot and sit it out. Your little girl is still there, and she'll be back :).

HattiFattner · 05/04/2011 23:06

I think you have to just keep the relationship ticking over until they are ready to be human again.

I tell my DD (14) that she is gorgeous, beautiful, lovely, I buy her little treats and slip them in her lunchbox, I ask her opinion and engage in conversations about justin bieber and human rights and other teen ishoo stuff.

In private I tear out my hair and boak at cleaning her minging bedroom and hold my tongue when she is deliberatly provocative.

She knows she is loved and sometimes she tells me what is going on in her life and occassionally she asks for my opinion or advice.

When she is human again, she will know that I love her and im here for her, but that she also has her own life.

She drives me crazy, but she knows I love her. Thats OK for now.

HattiFattner · 05/04/2011 23:13

oh and one of the MOST important things I have learned....

Apologise if you get mad. Apologise when you do something wrong or you're having a bad day.

"Im sorry I yelled at you, Ive had a really bad day and I felt like you didnt listen to me when I asked you to clean your bedroom/stack the dishes/watch your brother. I took the days frustrations out on you and Im sorry."

Because if you dont start teaching her this skill, she won't learn it.

DD and I often say sorry -it clears the air after a big row - we hug and make up and move on, so there are no drawn out arguments.

My mother and I have not spoken in years. I do not want this for me and my DD. If I have to eat humble pie, so be it. She has learned to do the same, although her motivation is more "will you take me to xxx house"

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