Dd's friend (15) has left home - and come here! Help.

[shandyleer]

This morning our doorbell rang at about 7.45. Dh had already gone out, and I was in the usual morning whirlwind of panic and chaos. It was the mother of dd's friend, totally distraught, asking me what was going on and where was her daughter. Unbeknownst to us, her daughter had apparently written her a three page letter about needing space and was therefore leaving home to come and live here, and had then caught a taxi here at 6.30 this morning, ringing my dd on her mobile to let her in.

At this point, the daughter obviously hearing her mum's voice, came down from dd's room, and mother and daughter closeted themselves in our front room. I was by now running even later than usual, and in the midst of rushing around and everything else going on, didn't realise that the mum had left. My dd went to find out what was happening - her friend had refused to go home and her mum had been too upset to speak to me.

So, this evening when the girls came home from school, I sat them down and asked dd's friend what was happening. She claimed that she couldn't really explain as there had been no argument as such, but that everything had been building up for the past fourteen years, and that the stress was getting to her. I really didn't want to push her too hard so I said that I was going to have to speak to her mum to try and sort things out (I also didn't want the mum to think that I had colluded in any of this and had encouraged the daughter in any way).

So, I rang the mum (who I have met a few times, but who I wouldn't say I know) - the poor woman was so upset she could hardly speak but she also said there had been no row at all between her and her daughter, that they had always got on fantastically well and that she had no idea where all this had come from.

The daughter has agreed to go home on Wednesday (as she says she needs more than one night away), but in the meantime, the mum still has no idea what this is all about and what she has done wrong and what she should/shouldn't do. I really didn't know what to say to her or how best to console her apart from reassuring her that it was no problem for us to have the daughter, and that she (the mum) was welcome to come over at any time, whether or not her daughter was here. Do any of you wise ladies have any idea how I should proceed? I want to be able to offer her constructive advice and signpost her in the right direction, as this episode has obviously come from somewhere, but I don't know where to start. Any advice greatly appreciated.

[AuraofDora]

ask that they talk to each other
honestly and if they cant they should seek help to do so - counselling or such

they must communicate with each other face to face

i would tell the mum to sit down and listen to her daughter and what she has to say
it could be anything,nothing or everything in between

[shandyleer]

Thanks Aura (like your name). Did suggest that to the mum who I spoke to again this afternoon, and she said that she had tried to do that but just got the old monosyllabic treatment. However, she was planning to take her dd out of school at lunch time today and go somewhere where they could talk.

[fel1x]

I'd sit down and speak to the girl myself tbh.
I'd explain that its a massive thing to just leave home and turn up on your doorstep. That you will have her to stay until she and her Mum sort things out BUT only if she aagrees to some conditions and make the conditions that she thinks very carefully about why she wants to leave and the impact and it will have on her future relationship with her Mum. Ask her to write down all her feelings and reasons in a letter to her Mum and also ask her to have a heart to heart with her Mum to try and talk it all through.
It might help her to think aabout what she wants the outcome to be - what does she want her Mum to do to make things better going forward??

Also, dont make it too much fun living with you! If its all new and exciting and like a holiday with no responsibilities and a best friend on tap then she will get caught up in that and not want to go home!

[shandyleer]

Just wanted to come back and thank you ladies and also update you.

Dd's friend went home on Wednesday after I had a long talk with her. I explained that whilst she was always welcome here, it wasn't an option for her to "live" here, and I would always inform her mum of her whereabouts if I felt she (friend) hadn't told her. I did try to find out if there was more to this situation than I was being told, but didn't get anywhere - although I should mention that this same girl confided to my dd some time ago that she had been self-harming.

When I spoke to the mum when she collected her daughter, the mum said that she had been aware of the self-harming and that they had "dealt" with it. I'm glad she's back home again (and no, I don't suspect abuse - but then, what do I know), but I do still feel a bit uneasy about the whole episode.

Think it's a good idea to update the school, just in case. Will give them a call tomorrow.

Thanks again everyone.