When is he asking too much of me?

[macadoodledoo]

I started this as a response in the ARRGHH thread, but felt badly that it might appear that I'm trying to hijack someone elses' post. So - it's on it's own (& longer I'm afraid), but it's related I think.

I had a huge disagreement with DP yesterday - I tried to get him to understand that a camping trip for a sporting event next weekend is very important to me, even though it falls on a kids weekend. I feel like I've given up elements of my 'old' life to engage with our new stepfamily over the last 18 months (mostly willingly but sometimes a bit begrudgingly if I'm completely honest with myself). I would like the family to support me in my endeavours as much as I try to support them with theirs - but he's saying I'm unreasonable. My perfect situation would be for all of us to go along together, camping together and making it a family event - fun for us all and incorporating my sporting stuff too. This would be a huge step in making me feel 'part' of the family...having that support. Rather than what I'm feeling today, that I sacrifice but don't get support in return. I don't want to sound like a martyr but I really feel hard done by...& confused today!

NB: sporting event not dangerous, well organised, kids not at risk, they like it, lots of other children to play with, weather forecast to be OK etc etc.

DP suggested arriving late afternoon on Saturday and leaving at the end of Sunday. That means I would miss competing on Friday and Saturday and compete 2 instead of 6 times. My response was 'great' but that I'd go along as planned on Friday morning and look forward to them getting there on Saturday. Not good enough - he'd seen it as a compromise and that I would go along at the same time as them and that if I went on Friday that effectively meant he was looking after the kids on his own all weekend - which is unfair. ARRGHHH! I'm far too chicken to post this in AIBU because I'll get flamed good & proper, but am I?

I agree with doing 'right' by the kids because they're children and us the adults; and I accept that (for us) 4 overnights in every 14 means you're trying to cram in lots of good stuff into a short space of time. But...from my perspective, this weekend of camping is 'good stuff' and where's the line between kids rightly coming first and the family meeting needs of all not just the DP/DH & DSC? I'm genuinely struggling with this so any advice would be appreciated.

DP and DSC are hugely important to me, and I want my future to be with them - but how much of yourself and your perferences/choices should you discard before you're no longer true to yourself. If you feel that way should you even be trying to be part of a step-family? Also - as a related issue - what kind of example am I setting to DSD & DSS if I'm the kind of woman who rolls over and gives up her hopes, dreams and desires? I REALLY don't want DSD to get into a groove of thinking that's OK behaviour for a woman and it's a poor example to show DSS too.

A long ramble of a post but if there are any words of advice out there I'd love to hear them.

PS - to any who read an earlier related post of mine saying that 'things are a load better'...hell, it turns out things are just as bad as they ever were!

[Hassled]

Sorry - they're his kids, not yours, but yet you can't go at the scheduled time because that would mean he'd have to look after his kids on his own all weekend? What a complete, unmitigated twat.

You do what you want to do - you sound like a lovely stepmother who's doing all the running and getting bugger all in return. Really, your DH is so clearly in the wrong here that he might as well write "I'm Wrong" on his forehead. Tell him you're going on the Friday, he and the DSCs can come along or not.

[scruffymomma]

If they were your joint children would you never be allowed to do something on your own?

Obv it would be different as you wouldn't be under time pressure but don't see why DP and the kids can't join you on Saturday as planned.

What's the problem with him having his kids on his own once in a while?

Doesn't make you some kind of evil stepmother

[bamboostalks]

I find your situation totally bizarre. They are not your children, you are being gracious enough to incorporate them into your life and that still is not enough? walk away from this if this man cannot see this.

[makeupmummy]

feel your pain, v difficult being stepmummy! I think you are being really good in what you offering: you haven't suggested changing wknd, or them not coming, for goodness sake! Do your events and don't feel guilty.

[scruffymomma]

Anyway, you don't need to have his permission to go to this sporting thing so tell him you're going and you hope to see him and the kids there. They'd probably enjoy the chance to spend a bit of quality time alone with their dad anyway

[macadoodledoo]

I popped back on here - just on the off chance that someone had posted and there are lots - thank you so much - but now I'm crying like a loon in work and need to pull myself together!

[DillyDora]

macadoodle I'm stepma to twin boys on the autistic spectrum and having a particularly tricky time with it at the moment so... may be coming from the grumpy place but ....

Go to your event, compete and have fun and be great. DP can look after his kids. They can pop along for the day to support you if they'd like (can they? Is it too far?) and that's that. As scruffy says, if they were your joint kids you'd be able to do much more what you like. I really do know how hard it is but you need to protect yourself. Smacked legs for DP. You can frame it as setting a good example to the kids, but really, it's nothing to do with them and you don't need to justify yourself, YANBU !

The guilt can be horrendous, I do understand. But I hope you go and compete 6 times!!!

[mollymawk]

Is your DP incapable of looking after his own children? What would he be doing if he didn't have you?

I think you are right to go when you want to, invite DP and DCs and hope they coe for the whole time too - but don't give it up yourself. You'll only resent it.

Anyway, why doesn't he want to bring the DCs for the whole weekend? You have said that they like whatever the activity is themselves.

[wildfish]

I tend to be on the kids side, and the "limited time" sympathy, but even I can't find what's wrong with you going Friday and him and the kids coming Sat. Seems a very reasonable compromise to me.

I think perhaps dad could spend ONE day looking after his kids.

[HerBeatitude]

He's taking the piss.

Sounds like he expects whatever woman he's with right now, to do the parenting that's his job.

[nellie12]

So what you're suggesting is a family weekend away at something you and the kids would feasibly enjoy, but he doesnt agree and wont meet you half way?

Just to check - he is turning down quality family time? And a weekend camping?

Does he not want to go? is he using the kids as an excuse for not going?

Worse still is he trying to stop you from pursuing your own interests separate to him?

Sorry but I cant help wondering if the kids are a red herring here and this is more about your relationship with him.

A healthy relationship and family is is one where everyones needs are balanced and met.

[Fruitysunshine]

Go and do your sporting event - you don't have children of your own and his children are there under his responsibility therefore he should look after them without asking anything of you. Even if you have been married 10 years he should never assume that you will take responsibility for his children - or "help" him look after them.

I think your suggestion of you going on the Friday and him with the children arriving on Saturday is a good thing - either way you have to go. It will send him a message that you are still an independent person and don't need anyone's permission to make your own choices.

[catsmother]

I agree the objection is a red herring. He's pulling your chain in an attempt to cast you as the "wicked" stepmother for having the temerity to do something for yourself (which you are more than happy for everyone else to share too ) once in a blue moon, thus "abandoning" HIS children (so he'd like you to think).

Either he's too lazy and pathetic to look after his own kids for 24 hours ("women's work" and all that), or, more sinisterly, he doesn't like you doing stuff for yourself.

I'd just go - you have nothing to reproach yourself for at all having taken care to issue a wider invite. Him turning it down is his problem not yours.

[Daffydilly]

What an amazing example you are setting to his children! Taking part in an outdoor sporting event AND involving the whole family! Also it is VERY good for children to know that life isn't actually all about them and that sometimes they have to fit in with other peoples plans. In this instance I would say they are fantastically lucky that those plans sound like a lot of fun. Stick with your plans and never worry about hijacking my whinging - it's good to share!

[colditz]

Your step-children's care is actually not your responsibility. It's nice of you to have invited them to this event. It's not your problem your Dp doesn't feel like doing it for the whole weekend, he has the option not to, it's not like you're trying to force the issue, and you are perfectly entitled just to go and do as you please.

there is no reason why him looking after his own children is remotely 'unfair', they're his damn children, therefore his responsibility, not yours.

[ChocHobNob]

I agree with what MJ said.

Basically you have no say in the decision about when the children can accompany you on the camping weekend ... but he then uses the "I would have to look after the kids on my own" line so he expects you to have all the responsibility and none of the decision making. He's the one being unreasonable, definitely not you.

Get him to read these replies if you feel up to showing him you've shared yuour problem on a forum. It might make him realise his kids are his responsibility and what you are suggesting is not unfair or unreasonable in the slightest.

[DillyDora]

I checked this one out with DH (I'm stepmum to his twin DS) last night and he agrees, it's up to DP to look after his children I'm afraid!

Look, I'm sure your DP isn't a bad person, he may have all sorts of reasons for not wanting you to leave him 'all alone' with the children that w/e - you could see if he can talk about those. He may just find caring for them alone exhausting and need your support, and while all the mums will fall of their chairs laughing at that (try it fulltime, babe!) it's a very non-sinister explanation of his behaviour. He doesn't have to be a crazy control freak or an arse.

Also I have to agree 100% with daffydilly (and not just because we have a similar nickname!), the children should be shown that it's not all about them. It's not fair on them to be the centre of the universe anyway.

[Sushiqueen]

I agree with all the rest. Your dh is being totally unreasonable here.

The sporting event is obviously important to you which is fair enough. He should be pleased that you have an interest outside the home that you love. After all it makes you the person he loves.

I think the idea of you going along on Friday and then them coming along on Saturday sounds a fair compromise it he doesn't want to go for the entire weekend. it does sound though as it if is all what he wants and tough to anyone else.

At the end of the day they are his children and he is responsible for them, so why should you give up your interests to look after them? You are trying to include them as much as possible and he is the one who is making the process a lot harder.

Blimey I left dh and the dss behind to go to the other side of the world for a family wedding. He wouldn't have dreamt in trying to stop me. He is always encouraging me to do my own tbing.

If it carries on you will end up feeling resentful and that will not help any of you. Go and have a good time.

[prettyfly1]

Hi Mac I am so sorry to hear you are having trouble. Lovely are you sure this relationship is the right one for you? He is starting to show signs of echoing some really controlling behaviour and worrying expectations. You have everyright to go and do your thing at the weekend - he is being very unreasonable and really rather controlling - am I right in thinking you were having some councelling with him? Has this stopped now? I would be really thinking about whether this is right or not for you - you sound utterly lovely and really very considerate and you dont deserve to be treated this way .

[sleeplessinsouthwark]

I can't believe your DH is actually saying "But that means I have to look after the kids on my own" - duh - what would he do without dump him on the grounds of his being completely lame?

I mean I am surprised he is so blatantly admitting something so rubbish and not trying to dress it up as something else.

Go, and hope you win your competitions.

[sleeplessinsouthwark]

argh sorry typing error, that should read:

I can't believe your DH is actually saying "But that means I have to look after the kids on my own" - duh - what would he do without you, lose contact with them altogether? Did his ex dump him on the grounds of his being completely lame?

[DillyDora]

Hi Mac is the competition this w/e? Just posting to say 'Good Luck' hope you win loads and you're ok with whatever you've decided to do.
x

[Biby]

I completely agree with what everyone is saying,
They are not your kids, he is perfectly capable of looking after them on his own and you should not be expected to give up something you love because of them. Im sure if he had a 'boys' weekend, you would soon be looking after the kids on your own!
Im on week 4 of being a full time step mum and got so fed up of my DP taking the piss, not doing anything at all with his son (waking up, breakfast, dressing, clothes washing, entertaining during the day/evening, meal times, bath time etc etc etc) and couldnt do anything except play on a computer game, that on Friday I walked out on him for the weekend!!
I had a lovely girly weekend and when I came back DP had such a shock to the system relising all of the things that I was doing, that now I hardly have to lift a finger!!!!
ask yourself, would you give this up if they were your own kids? No? then dont roll over for him and his kids! x

[Tanga]

Good god, woman - I thought you were going to say you wanted him to change the weekend or not see the kids for a weekend, not that you wanted him to look after his own kids for one night! What a knob!

Enjoy going on your own. Everyone needs some space and what sacrifices has he made for you or the kids, for that matter?

My DH is taking DSS and our DS away for the weekend in a fortnight's time so I can have an uninterrupted child-free girly weekend as a gesture of appreciation because we're going caravanning this weekend with the boys and he knows I hate it.