Biological Parent v Step Parent

[macadoodledoo]

I'm very nervous posting - this is my first visit, but I hope that you guys can offer some perspective.

I'm in a long term and committed relationship with DP, nearly 2.5 years, and while I have no biological children, as part of that relationship now have two step-children. DSD (6) and DSS (4). The contact arrangements mean that we have them approx 25% of the time.

A huge issue between DP and I is the amount of affection that I feel for the children. I am hugely fond of them, and am involved in many aspects of their life, do the school/nursery run, pick ups, homework, bathtime, bedtime story, playing games, swimming, walks, gym club etc etc either together as a family or solo when necessary. This is all mostly done happily and willingly, although I'm not going to try and kid you or myself that I don't feel hard-done by sometimes.

But - that's not enough for DP. I think he wants me to love them in the same unconditional way that he does. It's true that my affection for them is growing as time goes by and we all get to know one another more, but I'm not entirely sure that I 'love' them.

DP sees no difference between the role of a biological parent and a step-parent; and while I really do like the kids, and I'm more than willing to do all that is necessary to raise happy, healthy children; I still don't know if I'm ever going to feel about them the same depth of love that he does. Is this normal?

I feel like I'm being made to feel like a freak because I don't feel what, I'm assuming, a biological parent feels. I've read some books about this, to try and be the best step that I can be, but while the books have been reassuring to me, DP dismisses them because they tend to address situations where the step-children are older - he says that because ours are so young, and generally accommodating to me, the situation is very different for us.

I would really appreciate any perspective that you can provide because we're just going around in circles on this issue & it's a real sticky problem for us & I'm confused .

[msrisotto]

How is this a problem on a day to day basis? I mean, does it manifest itself in your behaviour in any way that he is unhappy with? If not, it's a bit unfair of him to be policing your thoughts and feelings.

[itsmeitsmeolord]

It's mostly impossible to love a child that is not yours biologically instantly and completely unconditionally in my opinion.
Love creeps up on you as a step parent, you meet the kids, hopefully like them, get to know them, become fond of them, some will love them, some will never love them but will always want the best for them.

I have a step daughter and a dd of my own.I do my very best for my dsd but I don't think I can honestly say that I have as deep a level of love for her as I do my biological dd.
We do have a strong relationship but I am not her mum, she has a mum already.

[macadoodledoo]

I think he wants me to be entirely involved in every aspect of the parenting. An example that he often gives is that I don't make arrangements to get home early on the nights that we have the children (except when I pick them up from school bus/nursery). We both work full time so have to juggle finishing early on contact days, and I have a horse who needs me to go sort him out during Winter months. I do try to get away from work early if I can, but it's not always possible, and unless I'm able to get someone to help with the horse then I have to fulfill that responsibility before heading home. His argument is that if the children were enough of a priority then I would make the necessary arrangements, and I suppose he's right. But - I keep coming back to...if this were an entirely biological family then other responsibilities would still have to be met, and both parents would be unlikely to be involved from 2:40pm - through until bedtime. It would be a collaboration with both 'mum' and 'dad' taking appropriate responsibility. I try to get home by 6pm and then am entirely involved in bath and bed. Is that enough?? I'm so confused!

I try very very hard to not let the kids see anything other than me being a consistent, supportive, caring and happy step-parent; and I know that they feel affection for me to. But - it's 80% their Dad that they want. I kind of accept that as 'normal', but DP is insistent that I don't feel rejected by that kind of thing...and that I should want to be more heavily involved. But - I feel heavily involved and I don't know what more is reasonable to ask me to give.

[macadoodledoo]

Thanks for the replies - if itsmeitsmeolord is right that it's 'mostly impossible to love...completely unconditionally' then I feel between a rock and a hard place. I feel like that may be my reality - but where does that leave the expectations of DP - and how do I handle them?

I feel so frustrated (that it's so bloody difficult), angry (that he may be asking for something unreasonable) and tummy-churned (fear?)! Anyway, I've got to get organised to pick up DSD from school bus...after a shower to get the stable grime off me (day off to use up annual leave before I lose it at end of March!). Best of all worlds today - just wish they could all be like this .

[msrisotto]

I think he is asking something unreasonable of you!

[talie101]

I'm not a step mum - I'm a mum, and I think your partner is being very unreasonable to expect you to almost take on the role of a 'mum'. I think he is passing on too many of what should be his responsibilities! I would be pretty miffed if my xh expected my dc's stepmum to take on board so much because I believe he should be doing the majority of those things! Yes, help him out and 'bond' with the children but he should be taking on the main responsibilities and spending quality time with them.

As for 'loving' them - I don't think I could EVER 'love' another child in the same way I love my own children, only feel a special bond or closeness towards them. I think it very unfair to expect anything more than what you are already doing and for you to feel any differently towards the children just because he says so!

[Hullygully]

I think you sound fantastic and he sounds a bit deranged. Also, how can one person "know" what another person's "love" is like? I think it may be an insecurity thing, my dsis' partner is very like this, as if he wants to force my dsis to be a second bio mother when his own dd doesn't want it either (they do have a great r'ship). Maybe men get scared at being in the forefront of the parenting relationship?

[macadoodledoo]

OK - so, I discussed this with DP tonight - my discovery of Mumsnet and the emotion that I had felt today when reading other people's posts, and my decision to post my own thoughts and queries on the site. I've shown him my original post only, and he's asked that I post his thoughts to add to the thread. We've had a really interesting discussion, and I really hope that we've found some new understanding as a result...but I've thought that before and it's all still come back to bite me on the bum! Anyway - here are his words:

Dear Mumsnet,

My partner and I have been having big problems in coming together as parent & step parent over the 2.5 years our relationship has lasted.

The main issues have been that DP:

? Regards herself as less important than me in parenting matters, and feels this is the norm and shouldn?t be challenged. I believe this is a self-fulfilling prophecy (if you act less important then you?ll get all sorts of ?less important? messages coming back at you) and can see no reason why there shouldn?t be equity (if both partners choose it). If we adopted a child then we would both be equal. What difference?

? Has expected the children to be unpleasant to her, although in my opinion they have been extremely accepting of her (they are both young) and she hasn?t had the typical rejection that I read about elsewhere. As I think kids give out a lot of mixed messages as they feel their way through life, I think what?s happened is that DP has taken the negative angle, when in reality there?s more things pointing towards the positive angle. I genuinely believe I?m not saying this ?because they?re my kids? but because I constantly hear them talk about how much they like her, how they wish she was here when she?s not etc.

? I believe that during the 25% of time we have the kids, DP makes decisions that mean she will not be here as much as she could be. Unsurprisingly this has blown up now into a ?you just want me to look after your kids? situation, but I am really sure that I don?t want this ? I want to approach things from an equal perspective (this goes back to my first bullet point). Recently, to get over the frequent disappointment this scenario causes, I have tried the ?I am the main parent and DP joins in when she wishes? and this really works for me too.

? I also want to say that I am incredibly lucky to have found such a wonderful partner who I want to co-parent with and that compared to many, many other people she engages more, and more calmly and more sensitively. I?m sure that it can?t be easy learning to live with step-children ? I found the early years of having children hard myself.

? I don?t want DP to love the children unconditionally. This may, or may not, happen over the years (or maybe it will come and go ? although I?m not sure that?s any different to any parent, step or not). I hope she?ll find them to be a fulfilling part of her life and enjoy the ups and down that go along with this responsibility. If she doesn?t then I hope we can construct our lives so that we all live happily nonetheless. I will support her doing things that I don?t love and she?ll do the same.

? Finally, there has been much upset over the last 2.5 years and much of what I have tried to articulate here certainly wasn?t very clear to me during that period. I felt guilty, I blamed DP and myself in revolving cycles, felt confused, rejected, hopeful etc. etc. I have learned that I was expecting too much of DP and that we didn?t spend sufficient time early on talking about expectations. Sounds easy in retrospect.

I hope that DP posts this and it helps us continue to move forward with our relationship.

[ImNotBossyBoots]

Dear Mr Macadoodle,

Thank you for posting your point of view. I felt i had to reply even though i am new to MN. I was a step parent before my DP and i had our own DD.

I think the difference with an adopted child is that you would make the decision jointly to adopt that child and accept responsibility. The step children are the result of your and your x's decisons. In essence, your children have 1 mum and 1 dad and i can understand why your DP would regard herself as less important. I also did that but more so thought of it as taking a step back than being less important. Having said that, i find that with support from the biological parent, a step parent can become a fantastic support to the child(ren) and become important in their own way.

My SC were not unpleasent to me particularly, just found it very hard to accept the situation and they were very young. I agree that i did expect the SC to be horrible in the beginning but then realised that they were just as nervous i was. Your DP reaction is certainly not uncommon and i believe that this has or will fade in time.

With regards to your DP 'avoiding' the SC, i would say that this can be a very overwhelming time and sometimes you need a little time out. On top of this, if they were both of your biologiocal kids you would probably not be feeling like this. Unfortunately, life, work and other commitments do get in the way and don't really let you spend the time that you want with your kids. My DP and i see each other briefly during the week when we are both together with DD otherwise she is with one or the other of us. We make time, when possible for both of us, to commit to doing something - even if its only going for a walk or to the park.

Lastly, whilst i can say i love my SC, what i feel for my DD is much much more, its just built in and not something you can learn.

Good luck to both of you and keep talking, it sounds to me that you are both going the right way about it x

[bonnymiffy]

Dear Macadoodle, my DH and I have been together a just over year, and married 10 weeks (woo!), so now I have a DSS (8yo) and he is with us probably 2 or 3 nights a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on DH's work roster. He is a lovely little boy, and I would aim to do for him what a mother would when he is with us. (I'm not allowed to do the bath-time thing though as he doesn't want me to see his "pee-pee" so I'll respect that!!). But at the end of the day, I'm not his mother, I would never try to take her place. We're hoping to have children of our own, and I'm guessing that itsmeolord and talie101 are right, I'll let you know if we get there.
Love can't be measured, and you have other responsibilities - juggling them all is hard work, as I am now finding.
PS, I notice it's a while since anyone last posted on this, I've only just found this board but something tells me I'll be looking at it alot more now I know it's here!

[foureleven]

I think it has a lot to do with the DSD and her bio mum's relationship too.

I love my DSD though not with the same strength of emotion that I love my own. We have been together for 2.5 years also. We have DSD 50% of the time.

Her mum is very unpredictable with her care for her daughter. When things are going well between them i find my feelings/ love for DSD subside. But when she's being nasty or un caring/selfish etc to DSD then this overwhelming love overcomes me and I feel like I want to mother her and protect her from the world in a way that her mum should being doing.

OP, if your DSCs mum is a proper 'mum' to them, I can understand why you dont feel like they need another one.

OOOhh just saw how old this is!!!!! How are things going now??!!

[macadoodledoo]

Hello again - thanks to the latest posters & since you asked I'll briefly update. Things are going generally OK. DP and I are going to couple counselling sessions to try and navigate our way through the difficulties and we do appear to be getting somewhere, although it's tricksy - I suppose we're both complicated sods!

The main reason that things are little more settled is that DP has adjusted his expectations of me (partly as a result of some of the perspectives shared on here I think), and while his head has accepted that I'm not feeling or acting how he might have originally anticipated, I'm pretty sure that his heart is still yearning for it - so that is a battle for him sometimes. From my perspective it has lightened the load considerably and I'm actually feeling closer to DSC and the family in general because I'm not feeling 'forced'.

The post about the parenting of DSC's Mum is interesting - and I can categorically say that she's great. She's generally kind and accepting to me (although there have been more difficult times for sure), and she's a genuinely great Mum - involved, consistent, loving etc etc. So - the DSC have no 'gap' in their lives that they 'need' me to fill.

As for bath time - had a comedy chat with DSS (4) about 'boobies' tonight - proves that whatever your role with kids they'll bring you joy if you let them!

Thanks again to everyone - this board has proved to be such a relief to me - when I've felt angry, lost or confused there's been a post or perspective which has helped. Big thanks!