Hi all,
I am new on here, I have contributed to other threads before, but not yet started my own. Can I get some SM input please (especially interested in SM/BM input) to help me find a solution for our dilemma.
Background: BF and I split nearly 3 years ago, after a very destructive 7-year relationship. SM was involved in our separation, though she was not the reason for the failure of our relationship. We initially had a surprisingly amicable separation: split of finances (majority went to him) and care for DD9 (50/50) was agreed without major discussion. There are no financial payments from either party to the other, equal share of all costs for DD?s upbringing was agreed. What sounds like an ideal case scenario for eternal happiness was the start of nearly three years of warfare, with two court cases and now a complete halt of any contact between DD and BF (his choice).
What went wrong? Well, many things (and certainly I am to blame for some of them), but to summarise it, the lack of boundaries, different views as to how involved who should get in what.
SM brought two kids into their marriage as well (DD7 and DD9), along with our DD9 they are now caring for three children. From an outside observer?s perspective I would say their expectations as to what a ?family? (no matter whether blended or not) should be like are unachievable ? kind of a cross between ?Brady Bunch? and ?The Waltons?. You are probably wondering why I make this my business?
Matter of fact is that I didn?t marry a family, but it certainly feels like it. Since their marriage, BF (despite the 50/50 we had agreed) has dumped more and more of the workload concerning DD on me (I work full-time). I now have to do all her dental and GP appointments and most of her school projects. Projects that span over several weeks (whilst being sent to their house) are returned as they were sent there, no work continued. According to the teachers, the standard of her homework at their house is way below the standard she manages at mine (got that in writing). After falling behind, she was given quite a bit of extra work over several school holidays (which are shared) ? I don?t think he managed even 10%.
When I brought the issue up, ex called me selfish because I have no idea what life is like with three kids, and that he didn?t have the time to do chores with DD, because he now has three children. I made it clear to him that him marrying a mother-of-2 was entirely his choice, and that I still expected him to do 50% of all things that concerned our DD.
Now, what bugs me most is that they have lovely family outings every single weekend she spends there, and then they return her to mine without anything done that required doing (note: it?s not ME saying she needs to do her school work, it?s school) ? he says that they want to enjoy quality time as a family. The following weekend (mine) I then spend time with her catching up on all the things they missed ? so no quality time for me. The same applies to my evenings when she is with them ? tracking school uniform items he lost, liaising with teachers re missed homework, buying school supplies, ordering books she requires ? no cosy nights for me then.
Financially, I take over more and more responsibility for DD. I don?t know their financial circumstances, but he seems to be either unable or unwilling to continue the contributions we had agreed (we are not talking maintenance, we are talking about his contribution to school fees, extracurricular activities, music lessons, mobile phone etc. ? all actual costs). All I do know that they have a very extravagant life style ? to me it seems that he is reducing his financial contributions to our daughter whilst maintaining hers.
Am I really selfish for saying that BF should only take on what he can actually manage as far as his SDs are concerned? Can I really be expected to take on more that I can afford (financially, emotionally and timewise) so that they can play Brady Bunch?
I am trying to find a way of reasoning with him, as I believe that at least some sort of contact will be re-established sooner rather than later, and I certainly don?t want to go back to how things were before.
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Step-parenting
Did I marry a family?
KaPe · 21/08/2009 15:58
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