am i being unreasonable?

[mothersmilk]

is it un-reasonable to be a little annoyed that dh went round to fix the ex's leaking washing machine at 8.30 in the evening when he was suposed to be at work. whats wrong with her phoning a plumber?(i suspect the reason she didint is due to cost) further more the disruption means he will have to work through the night tonight and all day aswell we have two young children one only 17wks. i just need help to rationalise my emotions am i wrong to feel annoyed? anyone elses experiences and imput would be much appreciated

[MarkStretch]

Nope, that would piss me off too.

Did he tell you he was going?

[mothersmilk]

nope called him to say goodnight no pick up work phone called the mobile no answer called again he picked up made a joke about the 4th emergency service so i said goodnight ans that was it i did talk to him this morning and i get the distinct impression he feels im being "silly"

[fourkids]

you are not being unreasonable or silly.
she should not have asked him - he is no longer her dp. she should ask her own dp if she has one, or call a plumber. she is clearly stating the fact that she still has some sort of claim over him and it is out of order imo. I do feel stringly about these things! and i know that some people don't, and will probably shout up that you are being unreasonable and so am i...that he was just being helpful and would have done it if a neighbour or friend had asked him...but i feel that if that is the case she should have asked a neighbour or friend of hers! and also that he probably wouldn't have done it for someone else in work time, which now deprives you (his dw) and his dcs of his time and attention. that means he put her first, above his family. i feel that boundaries are very important to help ensure a smooth running life on an ongoing basis.
and really your dh could have said that he just wasn't availabe as he was at work, but she may have laid on some sort of tale about how 'it is for your dcs who need clean clothes for the morning so you are morally obliged to do it' or the like

[Surfermum]

I wouldn't have a problem with dh helping dsd's mum out with something like this, but I would be annoyed if he missed work in order to do so. But our relationships with her are now at the stage where she will allow us to support her, and we are happy to do that. I don't think I view her any differently to any other single, female friend of ours.

Had she asked in the days when she was being difficult about arranging contact, didn't really want dh being involved, and thought I was nothing to do with dsd I would have felt differently. Not from the point of view of dh going to help, but more that she was being hypocritical.

[catsmother]

Totally agree with Fourkids' post, right down to the sort of snidey emotional blackmail she mentions in her last line.

After I'd separated from my son's dad, I figured that general household maintenance was now my problem and would definitely had called a plumber (or a knowledgeable friend) but NOT my ex, as it'd be overstepping boundaries.

In the very early days of my current relationship my partner was asked to drive 140 miles (she moved away, not him) to put up a shelf ..... on the basis it was "for his kids' videos" FFS. And he did. And I wasn't at all impressed (understatement). And at the time his ex was behaving in all sorts of truly dreadful ways - and still does - (won't go into detail as it might identify me) yet my DP used to fall for things like this because he was scared she'd get worse - so her bad behaviour was effectively rewarded. Apart from using emotional blackmail, what made me so mad was the "poor helpless little woman" patheticness of it, and the assumption that it was up to her EX to support her in her (put on) helplessness ..... if you don't know how to put up a shelf (and 1001 other simple DIY tasks) buy a f*cking DIY manual and read it. Job done. And if you really can't manage, you get the Yellow Pages out.

So no ...... in short, you're not being unreasonable. This kind of pandering is bad enough when it doesn't directly effect you (except raiding your blood pressure) but it's extra hard to deal with when it impacts on your time together or any genuine support you need - like a hand with a very young baby.

[2rebecca]

No, she was unreasonable for asking him to go and he was unreasonable for going.
I presume she wouldn't come round and do some "emergency" ironing for him if you were away. Women are much worse thant men in expecting their exes to still help them out. Most men know an exwife does what it says on the tin.

[ElenorRigby]

IME you are not being unreasonable especially with your DP taking time off work.
DP has in the past but got no thanks for only more demands. Basically she's more than exhausted DP's good will, no more favours will be forthcoming, in fact he asked me slap him if he wavered in the future

[ElenorRigby]

lol DP just read the OP and exclaimed "fv

[mothersmilk]

thanks four kids thats really boosted me, apparently she called today to appologise andsaid after he had gone she sobbed all night because she has no one and the only person she could call was him (lie she has a farther and a brother in law and countless male freinds not to mention a yellow pages and phone book) i have to say i feel slightly sorry for her (only slightly as she chose to end the relationship) but at the same time a little unerved that it may have come into her head to lets say do something irrational like "get him back" i know he would never go there as he's said on many occasions but the type of person she is could make for a lot of long drawn out agro

[fourkids]

that's okay mothersmilk
but you know she also has no right calling him and crying down the phone to him don't you? he is not her support network. he is your dh. she chose to make a life on her own, and he chose to make a life with you. so if she wants to cry on someone's shoulder she should choose someone else. (presumably you wouldn't be calling your ex up and crying about stuff to him!) that was a deliberate move on her part to send him a definite message...and maybe you a mesage too, depending on whether she thought he would tell you or whether she thought he would keep it 'their little secret' that binds them a bit closer.
please be clear, all those who are preparing to jump down my throat, it's not that i'm unsympathetic...and i get on fine with dp's ex and my own exh...but if you don't keep boundaries (unless you are very lucky i think) you are asking for issues to arise. that doesn't mean not being helpful and cooperative - all four of us are flexible around access, swapping things around, picking up and dropping off, but i don't ring exh to come round and do things for me if dp is away, and i don't expect his ex to do so either. equally exh doesn't ring me to ask me to whip him up a quick curry when he's hungry and his dp is not there!
that said, each of us has specialities to do with our careers and obviously if we need advice we call the one who knows - but i don't expect dp's ex to call him to say her cat is unwell - he is not a vet! if she does that she is looking for an excuse to keep him firmly in her life! and it is important for an ex to come to terms with the fact that that is exactly what they are, so that everyone can move on under no illusions and with no false hope on the ex's part and no reason to start to resent the ex on the current partner's part.
sometimes people get sniffy about evil exes and evil second wives, but you know, i am both and i am not evil! (mostly ) but i am aware that there can be sensitivities for everyone, and i say boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...