mother in crisis help me!!!!

[mothersmilk]

hi, im new by the way im in need of some help none of my family or friends are in this postion so iv had very little outside help, ands its got to the point were i think im going to go mad. me and my husband have two children 2yr and 3 months he has a child from a previous relationship of 8 i knew this when we first met and its never been a problem we all get on well theres never benn any stess or tention he,s liked me from the word go and has always been respectfull so pretty perfect really. i look after him alot as his mum works and i dont feel its fare on him to push him from piller to post though it can be hard work looking after all three and iv never had so much as a thankyou from the ex, anyway back on subject he's always adorded his sister being an only child at home but recently and it started befor baby came along it been harder and harder to have them both together my daughter is polte and well behaved we do get the t2's rear there head accasionally but thats to be expected but when there together all he seems to do is wind her up and get her in trouble takes things from her all the time so much so she has a real thing now about what is 'hers' the weekends have just become a time of dread this weekend i just wanted to take our kids and stay at my mums i dont like to telling him off all the time for obvious reasons and i end up telling her off when its not rally necasary to even it out sometimes i catch him being really mean to her but its always me that see's it and not dad i'll stop there because i could go on and on pls help im at the end of my tether i love my husband and i dont want it to come between us oh i have tried talking to dad but unfortunatly he feels there is little he can do to change behaviour because he doesnt live with us and ex does not take critism

[nappyaddict]

just because he doesn't live with you doesn't mean you can't try to help him change his behaviour. What does his mum do to try and discipline him? Your DH and his XW need to sit down and discuss how to discipline him because consistency is the key. No need to criticise her, just get him to say I was wondering what strategies you are using to cope with DS' behaviour at the moment so we can be consistent.

[TheSeriousSanta]

Nappy, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but in many cases, sitting down with the XW is a non starter.

My DH's ex would no more hold a conversation with my DH (or me) than she would shoot herself. SOrry. Never going to happen.

When the OP says criticism, she actually means anything that isn't 'oh, my aren't you just the most wonderful thing on the planet' - anything else is dissent.

FWIW, keep plugging away. My DSDs are older now and have been through some bad times (as have we) but we're older and wiser now and getting there.

[gagarin]

TBH this sounds like perfectly normal behaviour that happens between brothers and sisters.

So how about seeing it as a compliment to your blended family - the 8 year old is behaving like a NORMAL brother. Well done to you.

So treat him as though he was one of your own - sit him down and tell him that teasing a 2 year old is very unwise. That it will (as he has discovered) more than likely lead to a massive tantrum - and everyone being cross.

Ask him if he knows why he does it (he prob won't - 8 year old boys don't really have much upstairs ).

Think about why he is doing it. He's older now and his understanding of family dynamics and hierachies (like who is the "most" important child)is growing - he knows he's not "yours" - he knows he's an interloper in the family (however welcoming you are).

Is there a chance he is testing out your "evenhandedness" or "fairness"? Something along the lines of "does she really care about me - am I less important that these two little siblings? Who will she tell off if we fight?"

IMO you have to sit down and have the chat about how he feels and point out how foolish he is being. He can understand that at his age. And you can tell him what the sanctions will be if you see him taking things from your dcs - unless of course he had them first and they grabbed them from him!

And finally tell him how much you value him as part of your family - spell it out - you are tired, your dcs are difficult and tantrum-y and you like the fact that he's grown up and responsible.

And get his dad to do something "boy-sie" with him every weekend - play football, go to the cinema, play computer games or board games. You stay put with the little ones and dad should take his son out?

No 8 year old wants to be stuck with little siblings all weekend!

[Anna8888]

Completely agree with TheSeriousOne here - how your DSS behaves in your house, in the presence of your children, has nothing to do with your DSS's mother.

Keeping an 8 year old, a 2 year old and a 3-month old busy and happy simultaneously is always going to be a challenge. The fact that they are stepsiblings has little or nothing to do with that.

Is your 8 year old DSS seeing enough other little boys? At that age he does need to be running around outside with his peers. He may enjoy babies and toddlers from time to time (and love them very much indeed) but they will quickly bore him if they are all the company he keeps.

I would focus on activities for DSS, frankly. I have two DSSs, and DD, who is a lot younger than them (same sort of gap as you) has always been happy to tag along.

[SammyK]

that a great post gagarin

I have two step sons aged 10 and 11, and ds is four and we went throught this too, he is just being a brother and sometimes brothers are annoying.

If it helps I tell off dss' if they are upsetting ds, or doing something where someone will get hurt/something will get broken, anything else I ignore. Time with just dad is definately needed too (talking as a SM and a Schild).

[mothersmilk]

thankyou so much for the response i have sat down with dss and explained that certain types of behavious are not appropriate and that i dont want him to feel as though im always telling him off that it is sister being naughty aswell and i tell her off to. i always build activitys around dss rather than dd and ds as there just jappy to tag along with there much addored dsb. general sibling behaviour is for the most part ignored (its normal) but only if its constant or nasty do i intervine. i think to be honest my new baby hormouns and maternal instinct doesnt help i think i'll just get on with it and wait for them to calm down as far as the ex is concerned you are right anything other than yes your completely right and arnt you wpnderfull goes down like a lead balloon

[nappyaddict]

TSS - so your DH's XW never talks to him? She never rings him to tell him about something the children have done or about something that's on at school? What about when DH picks them up/drops them off? Sorry it's just I know of a few difficult XWs but none of them completely ignore their XH's that's why I suggested talking to her cos it is easier if the discipline is consistent in both homes.

[TheSeriousSanta]

Nappy - Nope, she never speaks to him about the kids. If she does deign to speak to him, it's to rant about money (In 10 years, he has NEVER been late with a payment, and has never given her less than he is court ordered to do - in fact, he pays for lots of things he's not court ordered to pay, because otherwise she'll make the kids go without.)

If the kids need something, they call us (this includes if they need to be looked after if they are ill - even then their mother takes zero responsibility for them)

We pay the school fees, so get everything from the school (reports etc) directly.

I cannot recall even one instance when she's called or spoken to either us in the last two years.

I did try to call her once as I was picking the kids to take them skiing and she put the phone down so I had to make the pick up arrangments directly with the then 13YO girl.

It's getting easier for us too (like Jammi) cos the kids are getting older and more independant (and can also see the games their mum plays) but when I say she never speaks, tries to organise contact, anything, I do mean never.

[nappyaddict]

Ah I can see how that could happen if the children are older. I don't why but I presumed they were little children who wouldn't be able to make their own arrangements.

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DSDs have made thier own arrangments since my elder DSD was 5.

[nappyaddict]

Gosh I can't even begin to understand how a mother could do that

[SammyK]

We have very similar situation here too, as a mum myself I can't understand it either.

In our case it is to discourage contact, dss' mum has admitted she would have been happier if DP had not bothered at all with his sons! It's a shame she is so threatened by the relationship they have with their dad. The boys feel torn too as they receive texts while they are here saying 'I'm sat on my own bored' or 'the dog misses you' .

Now they are older though they call DP up themselves or get on their bikes and come round.

[Swedes]

Anna8888 is spot on. I don't think this is a step sibling problem - it's an age-gap problem. I have 4 children, 16, 13, 3 and 1. In my house petty squabbles only ever break out when one of them is under-occupied or feeling they haven't had their share of adult attention. It's hard. Younger children are much more effective at demanding your immediate (undivided) attention and they are difficult to put off. Older children need just as much time but often don't get it.

[TheSeriousSanta]

I think my 'worst of all' one - DSD1 had to pass on the news her granddad had died.

SHe was 13YO.

DH did all he could to tell his side of the family and friends that would have known him.

His Ex then tried to use the death of her parent as a reason she hadn't paid her bills (and, of course, needed DH to pay them)

That's really how low she goes.

[TheSeriousSanta]

Oh, FWIW, Ex found it OK to call to demand money because of her father's death.. .just not to actually tell DH of her father's death... that little gem was left to her daughter.

[poetmum]

It's an American site, but, it has some real gems. The creators of the website are a divorced couple who are actually practicing what they preach. (I know this because the woman, Deesha, is my friend.) coparenting101.org/