DSS has asked DP and I if he can live with us

[gizzajob]

He is only 4, and has been in tears every day for the last 3 days.

Currently we have him to stay for 4 days every fortnight, and sometimes, actually quite frequently more often to help out his Mum. We adore having him and would love to have him full time. My DCs who are the same age as DSS see him as a brother and likewise for him.

The problem is that we don't think that his Mum would go for this in a million years, understandably, as I would have ripped exHs head off for even suggesting it with my DCs. We don't know what to tell him, or if there is any chance of it ever happening.

His Mum works full time and he attends nursery 8-6 Monday to Friday and also has a rather active social life, it's not that we don't think she does a good job of being a Mum, we do, and we wouldn't criticise how she brings him up, but as DSS has raised the issue, we cant help wondering if he wouldn't be happier with us as a part of our family unit full time.

DPs heart is breaking over this, and I am very upset and don't know what to suggest.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

[milknosugar]

are you on good terms with her? how about suggesting you pick him up from school and she collects him when she finishes work? less likely to get her back up and maybe thats more what dss wants. please remember there is every chance he tells his mum he wants to stay with her and not see you when he is there. it is hard for them to switch houses a lot.

[Carmenere]

Oh god, no advice just sympathy, how heartbreaking.

[gizzajob]

MNS-The problem is that we don't live close enough to do that, otherwise in September when he starts school that would have been a great solution, sorry, my fault for not saying that in my OP.

Also, I agree that he may well be doing that same at his Mummy's house. It's just really hard when he gets so upset. DP talks to him every night that he is at his Mums, and he even says it then

[CarGirl]

If your DP & her get on well I would suggest he has a heart to heart discussion with her and see if she would trial him living with you weekdays and her at weekends or basically altering the arrangement he has now so there is less time at nursery and more with you.

I good way to start the conversation with his ex is probably along the lines that Dss adores spending time with his Mum but isn't so happy being at full time nursery is there anything we can do to make him happier?

[CarGirl]

Anychance of his Mum moving near to you or her having him at weekends - well Fri pm to Sun pm/Mon am?

[edam]

Milk's right, it is hard for small children to be spilt between houses. He might not mean it in the adult logical sense - he might be expressing feelings of loyalty to his Dad, or just that he wishes he lived with both parents. I agree he might well be saying something different to his Mum. Poor sausage, though.

Maybe you need to get some advice from a charity that works with children and has some more insight into the way their minds work at this age - possibly Gingerbread or the NSPCC? Or write to Tanya Byron (google if you've not heard of her). Not in a child at risk way, just in a 'is this normal, can you help us unpick what he might actually mean' kind of way.

[gizzajob]

Cargirl, that is a good idea re, perhaps DSS could spend the weeks with us, and weekends with Mum, I suspect that she would not go along with this as she would miss out on her 'child free' weekend, but anythinbg is worth a try.

[CarGirl]

You could still have him for the weekend once a month or should could pick him up on a Sat lunch time every other week or something. How far away are you in travel times. Your dp needs to talk to her and find out if he is expressing his sadness that his mum & dad live apart of if he just doesn't like daycare - having children from 6pm and rushing them to bed isn't nice for the parent or the child, how does him mum think it is working?

[nappyaddict]

perhaps suggest that as he is at nursery anyway full time it might make more sense for you to have him in the week and for her to have him at weekends? the only problem with that is that he'd have to go to a different school i assume?

[gizzajob]

thanks cargirl and nappyaddict.

His Mum does seem tired and ratty a lot of the time during the week, I worked full time for a little while and I agree it is awful for both the parent and child. I am just not sure if she would agree even to that, but I suppose anything is worth a try.

If he did live with us during the week, he would be going to school with my 2 DCs, starting Reception in September with my youngest whom he adores.

Oh, DP also wanted me to mention that after the last weekend DSS spent with us, he was on the phone with him for over an hour, whilst DSS sobbed uncontrollably, pleading to come back to our house. This has happened at least every other time he stays here.

I think DP is also worried that if he broaches the subject with DSS Mum, she will go crazy and stop all access if she feels threatened and or accused of not doing a good job (which we are definitely NOT doing)

[CarGirl]

Can you approach it from a financial point of view and wanting her to have quality time with her ds so they both enjoy it more and she has less of the daily drudge with her and more of it with you. If he stayed with you during the week and went one evening per week and most weekends to his mum would that work?

Perhaps you could ask to him more over the 8 weeks before he starts school to save her nursery fees and see how it goes perhaps your dss will realise that is not always greener at your house IYSWIM

[gizzajob]

We would love to have him more until September, but we have already asked about that and DSS Mum has said no as it will only confuse him, fair point I suppose.

[edam]

Mutt has made some very good points.

[nkf]

I think parents - and I wouuldn't include you in this - have to work out what's best for the child. And if they can't agree or one is blatantly unreasonable, the courts have to step in. He's too young to make a decision about what's best for him I would say. And he's too young to think long term.

[nkf]

I mean I know you're a parent but I mean his parents. Sorry. Not clear.

[Surfermum]

Wow, what a difficult situation for you all. It's a really tricky one.

Has she got any idea that he is feeling like this? Presumably she does if he was sobbing uncontrollably over the phone to his Dad.

Could your dp approach it from that point of view that your dss was really, really upset the other day on the phone and what is her take on it.

[gizzajob]

Thanks all for your replies, all very helpful in trying to see a way through this.

Of course, I am just posting on DPs behalf, the decision is definitely nothing to do with me, other than supporting DP and DSS regardless of whatever outcome.

DSS Mum definitely knows how he reacts as she has been the one calling us to ask DP to talk to his son to calm him down, but as other posters have rightly said, small children don't react very well to having 2 homes, so she may assume that this is all it is, and maybe it is.

DP thought that an email suggesting they talk about this might be a good initial step, outlining what has been going on from his point of view, and then meeting to discuss it, depending on the response to the email.

[paros]

Please dont shoot but sometimes kids need to be told no calmly because while you are all trying to do right by him and make him happy in his little mind things are not settled so of course he will get upset . He is only four . Also I truly think its not dad he wants its your kids . Loads of fun and people to ply nice games with , Just my thoughts and not intending to upset antone . But i think if you explained it to him and said NO its not going to happen he would be more settled .