i feel so lonely and don't know if it's just me

[bambam30]

this is gonna be long so i apologise in advance and i also apologise in advance to anyone who takes offence at my thread. i have a ss who is 7 nearly 8 and a ds who has just turned 2 and my problem is that my dp soon to be husband is making me start to hate ss coming to visit. he is convinced that i dont't love his son the way i love mine that i treat him differently etc the list could go on and on and it making me so unhappy i do love mss very much although i don't think ther can ever be the same bond as that to a child uou have carried. Inever ever treat them differently they both have to share and respect each others wishes and the amount of people who say to me that i have 2 lovely boys but my dp just doesn't beleive me. i admit i am quite strict on manners and behaviour but very relaxed on other stuff ie football in house, how many sweets etc. ss is always positive about me but still every other weekend i have to listen to how i treat ss, how i have an attitude etc. today it has reached breaking point and am seriously thinking of leaving but i love this man i asked him to go to counselling for which he is awaiting an appointment but i said that its him who treats his son differently we went today and spent £220 on one xmas present for ss he always gets evything first he has got his outfit for the wedding before us, he had all his bedroom stuff for our new house before we bought anything else and the final straw for me today after my fortnightly moan from dp was when wer looking for ss present i said i wanted to go look for an outfit for ds and was dtold ther was no rush and then when we had got it we were supposed to go to another shop to look for xmas presnt for ds and was told we go tomoro ther no rush. so i exploded and said he had no right to keep getting on at me when he was the one treating the kids differently. what do i do? i look after ss every other weekend dp works nights and all school holidays i have him 4 days out of every 7 and i feel like i being put on i really do love ss but i will admit i am staring to get resentful as he is also starting to learn to play off. i sorr i told you all it was long but please someone help cos dp gone to work with neither of us talking and me keep crying trying to find a solution

[catsmother]

This sounds like DP's problem, not yours - and not SS's. It might possibly stem from HIS insecurity and it's wrong of him to expect you to automatically love SS as you do your own son. By the sounds of it, you have behaved in an exemplary fashion towards his son and he really can't expect you to be anything more than kind, considerate and respectful towards him - as you have been doing.

Quite clearly, DP seems to be over compensating SS - though for what I don't know - if the lad spends more than half the week with his dad .... it's not, for example, as if he only sees him once in a blue moon. I'm not surprised you feel resentful when you have clearly been so careful to treat both boys the same way. What would also worry me and I'm sure it's occured to you too is that sooner or later DS will wake up to the fact his older brother is favourised by his dad. How hurt will he feel about that I wonder ? It's not surprising SS has cottoned on to the fact that he can play his dad.

I think counselling is a very good idea and I hope you don't have to wait too long for your appointment. It is, at least, a good sign that DP has agreed to go .... hopefully a 3rd party will be able to help the pair of you come to the same agreement about how both children are raised. The current situation is very unfair and I appreciate how rotten you must feel.

[bambam30]

thanx catsmother i have wondered what will happen in the future and have actually said to dp that if he keeps behaving the way he is he will have to explain to our son why ss is "more important" than him. i dunno i hope the counselling will work but i am a holistic therapist myself pre-bambino and i can't help but wonder if he gonna go in negative if he will gain anything. his ex not much better more interested in job and new hubby ,we both have same ideas regarding manners and behavior but playtime between him and his ss is strictly in the children zones of their house/garden and so i feel like i trying to explain why we all do things differently but that at each house that is the way it goes but then i always the bad one and i had enough really . my dp keeps on that i knew he had a child and so that is it but at the beginning neeither of them wanted ne to be a stepmum anything but in fact his mum said i had to be called his cousin and then i got pregnant unexpectedly and after numerous attempts at ivf with a previous partner and all of a sudden i was stepmum which so in the words of dp and ex after a week in hospital after horrific birth of ds for him not to feel left out we had him for four days after which dp had to go to italy for a week with work so i sorry as you can see it been an ongoing thing i just want them both to be treated equally i never ever say to my ds this is youss i always always say brother and on an evening he sends a kiss to his brothers photo

[catsmother]

I hate that tired old chestnut "you knew I had kids" when used by dads to explain away a lack of consideration/fairness/discipline/consultation etc within a so-called "second" family set-up.

In your situation my reply would be "yes I did, so bloody what !" You are NOT trying to freeze out his son when, for example, such a phrase might be appropriate, you are simply trying to ensure that BOTH boys in your family are treated with equal regard - same rules (obviously, with allowances for age), same treats, same attention and so on.

Okay, so he had a child .... well now, he's got children or does he think that DS was an immaculate conception ? BOTH boys are his responsibility and he can't continue "ignoring" DS.

[bambam30]

lol i like that i will have to say that to him [immaculate conception] but you are right that is all i want when ss not here dp brilliant with ds and to be fair whenn ss here he doesn't ignore ds he just gives in to everything forss whilst still saying no to ds and thats why i get mad because to me its akin to saying i love your brother more on another note i asked my ss how much we all love one another and his answer was that we all loved each other the same and you couldn't put a limit on it because there was no beginning and no end so as said before i think i doing an ok job of bringing them up the same

[tigereyes1817]

I have similuar times with my DH, I used to get very upset when the accusations used to fly all the time but now there are less often and now I just ignore them or I say yes that's right! Not that it ever is or ever would be but I can not be bothered to defend my every move or word. I to am classed as very strict as I ensure all my kids use their manners at all times and play with all the toys fairly. Respecting each other. But I know my kids are well broght up and constantly have fantastic comments about my kids everywhere we go. which I always thank them for. As it always make my stomach flip over when someone else notices how ghood all my kids are. But as for Dh let him say what he wants, easy said than done, but as long as you and all your children know the truth, that is what matters as it is your ss and ds will be the ones who tell you if they think that they are being unfairly treated. The one I used to get was all my children have to have exactly the same amount of money spent on them at christmas to the penny. DSC generally will have more than my kids as every year I am told that they have less than what our children have had spent on them. This is certainly not treu never has been and never will be. Yes i do believe that DSC do not need as much as our children do as our children are here with us everyday siungle day and DSC are here 35% of the time, but no they have to have the same amount spent on them or I am accused of not treating them fairly. So then I over compensate. I can't win. So don't even try to. I just get used to it.

[bambam30]

it certainly a nightmare i spoke to my mom about it and she said the same that i have to just ignore him and that the proof is in the pudding so to speak but i do find it hard not to bite back when it is so unfair i can only hope from your experience tiger that it will get eaisier over time that or else he find a horses head in his bed lol sorry bad joke he italian and me and the kids call him the don

[dragonstitcher]

(((hugs))) Sorry I have no helpful advice. Just wanted to say, I think I know how you feel.