Am I selfish?

[Marierose511]

I'm new to this and only joined because I need to see if I'm being unreasonable. My boyfriend has 3 children and we have a child together. We have the children over every weekday evening for tea plus they'll stay every other weekend. I adore them all they are great kids. We do everything together. We also don't get a break with no children.
Today our son had a sleepover. So we planned to have a nice evening together after we have his children over for tea.
They asked to stay over for the night. He said yes. I feel upset because it was supposed to be our time. I brought this up with him and he said but their my kids don't be selfish. Am I being selfish? We both work full time so don't get time off. It's kids or work. Sometimes I just wish for a break but he makes me feel like I'm a b**tch.
I don't ever complain about having them, I just can't speak to him because he gets mad and doesn't listen to me.

[CozyAutumn]

I get you OP. Sounds like you never get a break. In your shoes I would have been very happy to have seized the opportunity to have a bit of child free time on the very rare occasion that you get it. I don't think that's selfish at all.

[CannotEvenDeal]

Did he say yes without speaking to you?

[sterlingcooper]

I understand both sides. But I don't think it's very nice that he called you selfish.

I think it is extra tough for couples with pre existing kids as you don't get the years of unfettered childless, only-need-to-please-ourselves time that most people do to concentrate on nurturing your relationship . Can you explain this to him while also acknowledging that your home should of course be open to his kids and be their home too, but not when you have earmarked a slither of time without them to focus on each other for once?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Personally I do feel it is important to get a break. When you are a single parent, it is a sanity saver. When you start a relationship, it gives the relationship a bit of breathing space to grow. I bet when you first got together, you didn't spend every second with the children did you?

Unfortunately, my DP was the same. Whilst I my son had times with his Dad and I would suggest a weekend away etc. We NEVER had a break from my DSCs, and when I said that to him he tried to make out that I was denying him his kids. And once when I finally did get him away for a weekend, he spent a romantic dinner saying how much he missed them!

It is called 'taking your loved one for granted'. The only thing that woke up my DP was me going out/away myself and having a great time, whilst saying how much it made me feel good again being able to dress up etc...

[Somerville]

I agree with others that it's not very nice of him to call you selfish. It's natural to look forward to time with a partner and natural to feel disappointed if those plans fall through. And he shouldn't be making you feel like a bitch.

Their dad wanting his kids welcome in his home at any time, for as long as they want is great - but you should feel free to go out with friends instead, or on your own, or to phone a babysitter and go out with him once the kids are in bed.

[Lunar1]

He shouldn't have called you selfish. If it's not often that your son is out for the night could they have just jumped at the chance to spend time together without him. It's hard enough to get time with your parents when there are three of you, it must be really hard when their dad lives with another child as well.

I'd talk to him about getting a child minder once a month for you to have a night out.

[Wdigin2this]

Absolutely, if your normality is kids with you at all times, then you need to get a baby sitter sorted out at least once per month. Then you can go out together and just be you two...it's important, even if you only go to the pub for two drinks!

[Marierose511]

Thank you everyone! I explained why it upset me and explained it wasn't to do with the kids staying as to why I was upset. He understood and we actually had a nice evening together. I think this may have proved to him that sometimes we need time to ourselves. Quality time. Thanks everyone

[Wdigin2this]

Good!

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

Totally not unreasonable to want some rare time off to yourselves. It sounds like he sees a lot of his DCs as it is, so it's not like he had to grab the opportunity to see them when it was offered. He should really discuss with you before changing plans and agreeing to extras, as it affects you too. That one night of peace, just the two of you is priceless.

He thinks he's being a good dad by putting them first all the time, but actually he can be a good dad by showing his dcs how to have a successful relationship after the breakdown of his previous one. You can only do this if you make time for each other. Resentment building up isn't good for any relationship.