What do your dc's call their step parent?

(24 Posts)
Silvermockingbird Tue 02-Aug-16 22:28:20

Basically things are getting a bit confusing for DS, so just wondering people's opinions/or if you have any idias. Basically me and OH got together when my son was 1 1/2 his real dad had been stopped contact (to do with drugs) he is now 3 and from when he learned to talk he was calling him by my OHs first name, and on occasions he would call him daddy (got confusing for him when all the other kids at nursery had "daddy" coming to get them and my oh would pick him up so he just adapted to it by himself was never forced) but anyways its mostly his first name. This past month DS real dad has been allowed contact.. So he is known as "daddy" but me and OH are expecting our first child so obviously he will be daddy to our baby, ds calls him daddy one day then "that's not daddy that's (first name)" the next. but I'm rambling abit basically does anyone's DCs call their step dad and real dad both daddy? Like having 2 grandmas for example? Can see this getting more confusing when the baby's born and DS real dad has had more involvement.

littleblackno Tue 02-Aug-16 22:36:02

It sounds like your ds has got it sorted in his mind. Why don't you let him decide? My kids call their step mum by her 1st name but they were a little older when they may her.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Tue 02-Aug-16 22:56:04

Not the same but I'm just "name" to step kids who were 4 and 5. A lady in McDonald's told DSC that they had to ask their Mummy (me) if they could have a balloon. They replied with a look of almost disgust "that's not my mummy". The poor lady was so apologetic bless her! And I just looked like a weirdo for not piping up, but it happens a lot and people do get embarrassed for presuming, so I tend not to correct them if it doesn't matter.
I would just ask your DS what he would like to call him or just see what happens naturally when your new DC arrives as long as your OH doesn't mind.
My 2.5 yo calls my Dad (his GF) Dad and his Dad, Daddy grin
I wouldn't want my DSC to call me 'Mum' because I'm not and we have never had that kind of relationship. I know they never would, either, but DP is non resident parent. Funny how they're getting another Dad now DPs ex is remarrying though!

meridithssister Tue 02-Aug-16 23:04:58

We found funny nicknames works for us. That way you are not trying to be mummy or daddy, and it's not awkward with using first names. We found it quite bonding without being vomit inducing.

DisneyMillie Fri 05-Aug-16 23:42:58

My dd calls her dad "daddy" and my DP "papa". I assume our new dd will call him papa too as it means pretty much the same.

Cosmo111 Sat 06-Aug-16 21:45:01

My DS just calls DH by his name, he is in regular contact with his DF. I would never force the issue. i would be upset if my DS called another woman mam. My DS has asked to change his surname to my DH but we explained that it would hurt his dads feelings.

navylily Sat 06-Aug-16 21:53:52

Mine use first names. But DD does have a friend who calls both her real dad and her step dad "dad" She doesn't seem to find it any more confusing than having two grannies, like many DC have. If needed she'll refer to either of them by first name do people know who she'll talking about, but she always addresses them as Dad.

My own DC have a younger half brother and they'll refer to their (his mum) as mummy when talking to him, but wouldn't ever call her that our refer to her as their mum. Just like I might tell my nephew to give something to "mummy", I'm not suggesting that his mummy is my mummy, just using the term he uunderstands

gettingtherequickly Sun 07-Aug-16 14:00:25

My stepkids use my first name.

With strangers we have a rule that if we are likely to meet them more than once (karate teacher, climbing instructor etc) we explain our relationship. Otherwise if I get mistaken for "mum" we just leave it, it's an easy mistake to make.

MyNewBearTotoro Sun 07-Aug-16 14:11:07

My 3yo DD calls my DP Daddy, he's not her biological father but we've been together since she was 8 months old and he sees her as his daughter. My ex had no contact (his choice) from when he left during the pregnancy up to very recently. He has now met DD twice, he and his parents tried to refer to himself as Dad but DD got very upset at this, she refused to call him Dad and calls him by his first name. She sees DP as her Dad and, apart from donating the sperm, he has done everything a Dad should do for her. But essentially I'm leaving it to be her choice, we've told her ex is her biological dad but she is too young to understand what that means so she just calls him by his name. However if in a few years she decides to start calling ex Dad and DP something else I guess we will accept that.

ConfusedMummy87 Sat 01-Oct-16 09:50:32

My oldest calls me mummy. It's was his choice, we used my name and he chose otherwise.

He was 2.5 when I met him (I had been dating his dad for six months prior to meeting him as I did not want to pop into his life until I was pretty sure we could make it work) and at about 3 he clambered onto my lap, looked me in the eye and said: "you're my mummy, aren't you?". I said that his BM was his mummy, but I do the same things as a mummy for him. He I was 4-5months pregnant at the time and when he persisted in wanting to call me mummy we let him, as he would get distraught when other members of DHs family told him otherwise. He has me and as he's got older he knows that he was in his other mummy's tummy not mine but that doesn't change that I love him.

I've always defended his choice. Maybe it's selfish, but if he decided he knows he is free to call me by my name if he preferred. I will not however, force him to use my name or another name when I let my other son, my birth son, call me mummy.

Looking on here I've questioned it a bit, theres a lot here who seem to say i am not his mother and never will be, but it feels right in hindsight for us as a family. Maybe if we did not have full residency it would be different. But his other mother is in his life for three hours a month, doesn't phone for him (we used to run a separate mobile phone for him until we realised we'd paid for a mobile for four years which never rang once) and doesn't look for more contact. I have never and would never say it out loud where he could possibly be nearby to hear, but I know who his mother is. And I think he does too. That's why I wouldn't force him to change.

Sorry for the long post and if this thread is too old to resurrect. New here. smile

Ghostqueen Sat 01-Oct-16 20:44:07

I go by my first name. I used to be called auntie but told Husband and DSS mum that it confuses DSS. So his mum said he could call me mum as her DH is called dad. Went and told her son to call me by my name but keep calling her own DH dad.

I would hate my DD calling another woman mum so never encouraged my DSS to call me it always left it up to DSS but find it wrong his own mother actively encourages her own DH to be treated different to me.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Mon 03-Oct-16 03:24:57

By my name, but we do have nicknames. I've always assured her she has one mummy and that's important, she doesn't need another

Faithless Mon 03-Oct-16 13:47:05

We use first names, but I asked my DSC what they would like me to do if strangers assume I'm their mum - I was happy to do the correcting, as the adult, if it made them uncomfortable. They decided they didn't want me to bother if we are not likely to see them again so we just leave it. In fact when it does happen now, they think it's quite funny.

MumTo2GirlsDT Sun 09-Oct-16 20:52:36

My DD1 called her biological "daddy name" and her step-dad "daddy name". She understands she has 2 dad's and knows step-dad isnt "real" dad. We never told her to call step-dad daddy she just did as he was there. She is 3 but she is very clued up!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 09-Oct-16 23:18:24

I dread to think what they call me! smile

PopFizz Sat 15-Oct-16 14:03:51

My kids call their step mum by her first name, and dss calls me first name. Tbh I can't see that changing, but they only see said person twice a fortnight so not unusual.

Currently DC call DP by first name or nickname. He doesn't live with us yet, but when he does I think that will continue. If they change their mind that's up to them.

I call my own step dad by his first name, I've known him 25 years. My children call him grandad though.

DP calls his stepdad dad. So he has two dads. Which sometimes gets confusing and we have to check whether it's dad dad or first name dad!

All in all, it's the child's decision, with a little guidance from the parent if they are very young or the relationship is fairly new.

ayeokthen Sat 15-Oct-16 14:07:24

DS1 calls DP by his first name, DD and DS2 are his so they call him dad. If DS1 asked to call him dad we wouldn't say no, it's just that he's never asked.

Bythebeach Sat 15-Oct-16 14:13:03

Have live with my now husband since DS1 was 17 months. He calls DH a shortened slightly cute version of DH's name. When DS2 came along we had the same issue you are worrying about and we were worried about treading on DS1's dad's toes so discouraged DS1from saying daddy to DH and DS2 used both 'daddy' DS1's pet name for DH and this has gone on a decade and another child later so DH is a mix of 'daddy' and 'pet name' for younger kids and pet name from DS1. I wish now we had let DS1 do as he wished - his father has consistently decreased contact and interest over the years and DH loves DS1 as his own and I feel sorry that I didn't allow DS1 to call DH anything he was comfortable with to protect the feelings of a man who is quite frankly so much less of a father to DS1 than DH!

Enkopkaffetak Sat 15-Oct-16 14:16:59

I call my stepdad by his name. However I was 5 when he came into my life. My children call him grandpa He certainly earned being grandpa by that point. My niece call him by his name my sister was 12 when he came into our lives and never lived with him so for her she didnt feel that connection.

With friends in this situation I have seen many different combinations

Dad and Daddy

Daddy and Pops

Daddy Name and Daddy Name

Dad and Steppie (I love that one personally)

and in one case Dad and Name However Name is the biological father so perhaps a bit more unusual. He however did not want to be dad and wanted to be his name from word go even before they parted. Says he has no issue w step dad being called Dad as he didnt want to be dad.

In your case OP I might start by saying Daddy (name) and then see where it naturally goes. Go with what feels good for the child IMO.

pieceofpurplesky Sat 15-Oct-16 14:26:31

My DSS (now ex but still in contact) used to reply to the 'ask your mummy'/'pass this to your mummy' style questions with 'she's not my mummy she's my purple'
Cute.

WiseUpJanetWeiss Sat 15-Oct-16 16:34:13

DSS calls me by my name, but if strangers ask he says I'm his stepmum. Made my heart sing the first time I overheard him saying it.

Thatwaslulu Sat 15-Oct-16 23:37:27

My stepsons call me by my first name, the same as they do for their mum's husband. Birthday & Christmas cards though are always "mum" or "mum and dad" cards (addressed to lulu, or dad and lulu). My stepsons have had me in their life since they were teens, but their stepdad has been with their mum since the youngest was a toddler.

Thatwaslulu Sat 15-Oct-16 23:38:22

And they refer to me as their stepmum. Always have done.

CannotEvenDeal Sat 15-Oct-16 23:39:08

My dss calls me mum. Every time. He's not heard a squeak from his biological mother in about four years though.

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