Treats without SCs?

[momb]

I love my SCs. We have a positive calm relationship where I feed them, spend social time with them, resist the urge to parent them too much and nudge their Dad to get them off the sofa and go and do stuff with them (they are teens so would sofa sit all weekend if allowed to).

We all go to a few music festivals and maybe a seaside or camping weekend each year. With their Mum they have, in the last 5 years, gone every year to their house in France for the summer, been to the Far East, been to the med etc.

Our only holiday without them in 5 years have been two weekends staying with a friend in Scandinavia.

Every day trip includes them, every picnic, outing is always when they are here. My DCs do notice and comment on this but my line has always been 'we do things as a family so you wouldn't want us to do it while you were elsewhere and the same applies.' Except the SCs are older now and we see them less often as they have more of their own social commitments. Thus the days out and trips are getting less and less frequent.

So: I've booked something just for the 4 of us: DH, my DCs and me: a 4 night trip abroad in February. One of the SCs is very vocally disappointed that we'd go anywhere without them. I feel awful that they are sad but the others have said they wouldn't want to come anyway and selfishly I'm thrilled that my DCs are so happy to have some special time with us. The SCs don't like the cold so a winter holiday was never going to suit them and we'd have to buy them loads of kit, the cost of which would which would preclude any of us going.

It's not unreasonable to go away without them once is it? Logically it seems entirely fair but I'm really surprised by middle SCs reaction.

[OutToGetYou]

We don't have DC, so dss is the only one - and he still gets all 'aw, why can't I go' when we arrange stuff when he's not with us. Yet if we arrange stuff when he is he says 'bah, do I have to go....'.

Dp and I recently went to NY for a long weekend without dss. Dss dm goes away without him all the time (no other dc there either). We have taken dss away twice this year, as well as weekends camping, festivals, visits etc - and we are planning a 'big holiday' next year, likely to cost c£6k. He's been asking about this holiday for two years. So, when asked the other day about where he'd like to go he grumped 'well, I would have liked to go to New York'.

It's just cussedness. Ignore it.

[SoupDragon]

Would you do something with only your DSC, not your DC? That might well be the main thing that is irking the middle DSC. It's different to going away without any children.

[TheyCallMeBell]

Can you include middle SC? If the others have said they don't want to go anyway...

[ImperialBlether]

But why should she? The OP's children have to have the SC present for every single holiday. The SC don't have that - they get their own holidays with their mum, too.

It's normal and natural for the OP and her children to want to spend time together without the SC.

[HerRoyalNotness]

The SC are doing stuff with you and stuff with their mum. Your DC should not be expected to sit around when the SC aren't there and not do anything. Plan what you want to do and if the SC are there they go and if they aren't they don't.

It is perfectly fine to have a long weekend away without them. Especially as a lot of your outings seem to revolve around them anyway

[MascaraAndConverse]

It's fine to do things when your DSC are with their mum. I expect they'll be doing nice things with their mum, so your DC shouldn't have to go on pause until they come back to yours.

[lunar1]

I can't see the problem, as long as the dsc get to do things that they would like with their dad without the rest too.

[MascaraAndConverse]

Yes I agree one on one time with their dad is important too.

[m1nniedriver]

Can't see a problem with that at all

[fedupbutfine]

Not sitting around on a weekend that the step children are somewhere else is one thing, excluding them (quite deliberately) from a holiday is quite another. Saying it's OK because they have holidays with their mother seems par for the course on this forum. However, you will always find grown step children who comment that their father used to do the same and it affected them dreadfully.

[m1nniedriver]

My DF and SM went on several holidays with my SB and SS without me. I never had a problem with it at all. I got holidays wit DM and SF and with them. No big deal at all

[Yellowpansies]

I think it's fair enough to do some things without them as they're not living with you all the time. You should definitely do day trips, etc. I guess if you've never really had a holiday abroad with them (would the count the visit to Scandinavian friends as a holiday?) then that could be why your DSC2 is feeling a bit peeved. Is it being seen as a first "proper" holiday and they're not invited? Is it possible to take just DSC2 as the others don't want to come anyway?

We do family visits with just my DC or just my DSC, but try to do a main holiday each year with everyone. I think it is partly about marking everyone's place in the family, rather than trying to be equitable between kids who have different "other homes"

[fedupbutfine]

No big deal at all

So...for you maybe not. But for others? My own children have cried about it. More than once. No number of fancy holidays with me would ever make up for it. They want to be part of their father's family - not a weekend add on.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

They want to be part of their father's family - not a weekend add on.

I think this is key to most blended family problems - unless everyone involved views the DCs as either "part of the non-resident family" or "weekend visitors", then there is going to be conflict.

If a NRHousehold treats the DCs as full members of the family, but the DCs don't view themselves like that, then there is resentment about being expected to muck in and not having wall-to-wall daddy-entertainment. Or from the RP, who expects their DCs to be the centre of attention during their visits.

Whereas if the NRHousehold views the DCs as visitors, but the DCs want to be integrated into the family, then resentments surface when the family does "out of the ordinary" things without them - be that holidays, days out or even just a favoured midweek dinner menu.

However, if the RP and NRP disagree on the DCs status in the NRHousehold, it is almost impossible to compromise - it is an either/or situation.

[m1nniedriver]

I wasn't speaking on behalf of every step child in the country although I'm sure there are plent just like me, same as there are plenty this would upset. merely giving another point of view, that is allowed as far as I know

[riverboat1]

We don't have DC, so dss is the only one - and he still gets all 'aw, why can't I go' when we arrange stuff when he's not with us. Yet if we arrange stuff when he is he says 'bah, do I have to go....'.

Heh, I can identify with that a little bit.

I think you need to judge very carefully if the upset DSC is genuinely hurt by this and would want to come on the holiday, or if it's just a knee-jerk reaction.

I think his/her dad should explain to them your reasoning as you said in your post, and propose doing something with them on the level of a day trip or not-too-expensive overnight trip that they would both genuinely enjoy.

Is it too late to include the upset DSC in the holiday if they do really want to come? It is a bit of a shame that you couldn't have spoken to them before the booking and gaged their reaction to going or not going.

[DoreenLethal]

Not sitting around on a weekend that the step children are somewhere else is one thing, excluding them (quite deliberately) from a holiday is quite another.

But the step child goes on plenty of holidays that the other kids will never get a chance to go on. Are they expected to be statues whilst the step kids are out having a ball? Utterly ridiculous. Of course the OP's kids can do things when the step kids are not in the house and go and do activities without them; alot of resentment is going to build up if the OP doesn't just let them have some down time without the step kids around.

[PosterEh]

I think you should have asked him if he wanted to go. Would you exclude one of your own children from a family holiday because he had happened to go on a school trip that year and so had one more holiday than the other children?

[MascaraAndConverse]

Doreen judging by what the OP has said, they never do anything unless the DSC are with them.

[PosterEh]

There's a difference between day trips and activities and a (skiing?) holiday.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

The OPs says that her DSC have been permitted to spend less and less time as "part of their family" in favour of social commitments.

It is quite possible for parents to insist that social commitments are arranged to fit around whichever home life they may be a part of at the time.

Opting out of time in the OPs family home because they have social commitments indicates that they consider their time with their dad as "a visit", not as somewhere they live.

They have made the decision that spending time with their Dad is less of a priority than their social lives, and that has been facilitated by both their parents.

In that situation, it won't matter how much effort the OP puts in, neither the DCs, or the DCs parents, consider the OPs home as an equal home for the DCs. The DCs seems to expect to be treated as a full member of the family when it comes to this holiday, while they being permitted to opt out of their dads family life at other times.

I say go for it, OP, this is one of those situations in which putting your own DCs first places you in the role of wicked step mum. Fortunately, that's not your problem to solve, as the DCs have two parents who can help them work through this issue.

[momb]

That's an interesting take on it. We have had a few years of being blended now and initially they were here every weekend but now they are older they are naturally more independent. I'd interpreted this as if they were treating here more like home than a visit: if it was a visit it would be adhered to, whereas it seemed more natural for a teen to be out and away from home. Plus their Mum's house is a 4 hour round trip so it's not as if they could come here and then still go shopping with their school friends.

Over the years we got into the habit of 'saving up', for want of a better term, the good stuff for when we are all together, which my DC have noticed. Plus we have always been mindful that they are here to see their Dad so they have special time with him away from me and my DCs too: this weekend for example DH is taking the middle SC to see her favourite band. My EC loves them too but we never even considered crashing the arrangement as their time together is special.

I guess I'd considered this break in the same light: it's somewhere I've always wanted to visit so want to take my DCs there. DH is along for the ride in a way. It's too late to change the booking, so for this once it will just be us. Teens being teens though this will be the one time they remember always, rather than all the times we are together or the times they go away otherwise.

[3phase]

I think you're being perfectly reasonable OP. Enjoy your holiday. Sounds to me like you and your DC deserve it.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

momb. Apologies for assuming.

I imagine that the distance between their parents homes makes it almost impossible for the DCs to consider the homes equally - so they have probably slipped into the pattern of "visiting" dad; as they have had to put other aspects of their life "on hold" in order to participate in your family life.

Have you ever hosted sleepovers with their friends, for instance? If those "everyday" things have always been reserved for their mums house, and Dads house has revolved around their temporary presence, then they're not really "members of the family", in the true sense.

Plenty of teens get the hump with their parents over something or another - in this case, I suggest your DH takes the rap for it. As you say, it's your holiday with your DCs, and he's chosen to come along.