Advice needed

[Allen83]

My partner moved in with me and my 14yr old son recently and his 6yr old daughter also stays 2 -3 nights per week. She is a lovely girl however it is quite evident that my partner and I take a very different approach to parenting. This was clear before he moved in however it is now more apparent. I have been a full time single mum and have therefore had to act as both parents and implement routine, discipline etc where as my partner takes a more laid back approach.

My partner’s daughter often speaks in a baby voice which I find quite frustrating as at 6yrs old I don’t feel this is necessary. I’ve noticed my partner talking to his daughter in a child like voice on occasion which probably doesn’t help!

In addition to this, he seems to do a lot for her that I feel he should be encouraging her to do on her own like going to the toilet, getting dressed, putting shoes and socks on etc. She is capable of doing these things for herself but my partner seems to insist on doing it for her.

My problem is that I am not sure whether I should mention this or leave him to it? I think it’s important that a parent teaches their child to become independent and would only want to bring it up to help but feel if I did say something it might be taken as a criticism. Also, is it my place to say anything?

[ImperialBlether]

I'd find it difficult not to say something if he's putting her shoes and socks on for her, because when she's in school she will have to do that for herself and if she's not used to it she'll struggle.

What is it with these men who baby their children? The step-parents' board is full of them!

[SevenSeconds]

If this was a discipline matter, i.e. she was being allowed to get away with bad behaviour, then I think it would be very important for you and your partner to discuss the matter and agree on a joint approach.

But from the examples you give, I'd be more relaxed about it. Does it really matter if he helps her get dressed etc? I'd let them get on with it if I were you.

[horsewalksintoabar]

I do understand you. I was a single parent for years before remarrying. But choose your battles. And please allow everyone to settle into this new territory. Be gentle. It's a big change. I used to speak in a baby voice with my dad at 6 and older. It stemmed from feeling isolated at school, unprotected... my mum had nearly died the year before and was in the hospital for months. I regressed because my world became unstable. Maybe step daughter feels shy or insecure? Be supportive but get to know each other as a family before drawing lines in the sand. It's a bit soon.

[coffeeisnectar]

In my own experience, don't say anything. Honestly, he will see it as an attack on his child and his ability to parent her.

My dp was still putting his 9 year olds shoes and socks on for her and I said it was utterly ridiculous, how on earth does she cope getting ready for pe at school etc but it was like I'd compared his child to Attila the hun.

Just don't do it.

[Oswin]

I do all that for my daughter. She does it on her own fine at school and weekends. But school days she's like a bloody tortoise so I have to help her. I don't see anything wrong with it. If I had a partner and they started moaning over silly things like this id be rethinking my relationship.
They are still small children at 6.
Just because you have moved in together doesn't mean you should change his parenting.

[Allen83]

Thanks all! Your replies make a lot of sense so I think I will leave them to it!

[swingofthings]

Different people raise their children differently. There is no right or wrong. I am a mum who have always encouraged my children to do things independently at an early age, and they have grown to be very mature for their age, but many of their friends who are doing just fine as teenagers had parents who did much more for them.

You are much more likely to make everyone's life miserable by getting involved then leaving him to do what he thinks is right. What you could do though is build up a relationship with her where you encourage her to do things for herself. Many children love to feel responsible and it encourages their self-esteem. If you do it in a gentle way rather than a 'you're a big girl, you should do this on your own now' way, she will probably respond well to you and your OH is much more likely to feel happy about your relationship with her.

[Yellowpansies]

My youngest DSS is 12 and still speaks in a baby voice to DH It's hard, I do think you need to pick your battles, and also to realise that children are all different - your DS isn't just the product of your parenting, he's partly just him. But I have found it easier to accept my DSC's flaws if I can see that DH and I agree about the direction we'd like them to move in, and I can see small progress, even if they're not yet where I think they ought to be with some things. So we do talk, and mostly it helps.

[WSM123]

One of my partners sons is 3.5 and not talking and it was a real struggle to get him the realise he needed help with out him thinking I was calling the kid thick. We had some "heated discussion" and eventually he saw I was trying to get the child the required help. He has since told the childs mother (primary carer) but she hasn't done anything about it so it was all for nothing. I guess what im saying is pick your battles, if its an important health matter say something but if its just because he wants to do things extra coz he misses out a lot of the time then leave them be. and maybe encourage other independent age appropriate things for her to do

[Atenco]

I'm sure you are right OP, but if I remember rightly I was still helping my dd get dressed at a much older age, and she still turned out all right.

[Wdigin2this]

Yes, pick your battles is good advice, if what he's doing/not doing with DSD is not affecting you personally, let it go! But, I can appreciate the 'baby talk' is irritating, it would really get on my nerves, so perhaps you speaking to her in a determinedly age appropriate tone might rub off on him?!
However, I don't want to be the voice of doom, but.....DH has 'babied' one of his DC for all the time I've known him, this DC is now a parent of their own teenager, and still totally dependant on DH! I mean emotionally, practically and particularly financially! He is seemingly unable to say no to this DC, and even though his other DC point out that he is being outrageously taken advantage of, it still goes on! Many years ago, I tried to tell him that his preferential treatment of this DC was unreasonable and unfair to his other DC, and that they would never learn to stand on their own two feet, it has just got worse! I've even had a conversation with the other DC who just says, 'I'm used to it, (sibling's name) has always been demanding and both my parents have always been like this'! But other DC insists DF treats them all so well anyway, they don't mind!