DH overfeeding DSS - do I say anything?

[CandyCrush77]

DH and I have been living together with his two DCs, 12 and 9.5, and my two DSs, 7 and 5, and trying to blend our families. We've had some teething problems but nothing major. One thing I am getting quite stressed about, and trying not to, are meal times and DSS's diet. DSS is definitely overweight (9.5 years and 35 kilos) and has a large appetite and liking for fatty foods. His diet is ok overall but one thing I have noticed is that DH gives both his DCs an adult sized portion, in fact, larger than adult size as my and DH's portions are usually smaller! DS will then eat all his in no time at all and ask for second, usually another substantial portion. I actually get quite annoyed as DH always serves DSS the largest portion and me and DH get v small portions so I am often hungry afterwards. DS1 also gets annoyed as DSC has eaten all of something, e.g, has finished all the breakfast cereal (2 big bowls) before DS gets to the table. My two DSs have much smaller appetites and have normal child sized portions. I have so far not said anything to DH about this (massively touchy subject!) and am not sure what I can say, if anything. When I cook, I give him a normal kid size portion but then he is still starving. DSS has all the same snacks the other kids do, e.g. if they have ice cream or biscuits, so will he, but the problem is that my DSs naturally like ice lollies (no fat) whereas DSS will have a magnum or mars ice-cream. DH does not seem to be trying to steer DSS to less fatty snacks and just lets him eat what he wants. The other day we went out for lunch and DSS sat there with a plate of fried food in front him and then smothered it in mayonnaise. DH will sometimes pick him up on table manners but not much more. No idea how to address this or if I even need to. Maybe DSS will lose weight as he grows but I just find it worrying and difficult to understand why DH doesn't do more to address it. If I am honest, I am also annoyed that DSS gets huge portions when I am starving! Annoys me too that we split food bills equally on the basis that DSCs are kids when they each eat more than I do and my two kids eat v little.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

Lots of issues there!

In terms of your DPs parenting decisions, I'd say it's up to him.

But, in terms of the financial impact on you, then that's different. You must cater for everyone's appetite, so cook bigger portions to ensure that you are not personally going hungry, but talk to your DP about the relative demands of your DCs - if they are eating adult portions, then his contribution should be higher.

[BabyGanoush]

But your kids will eat more once they are older, swings and roundabouts surely? Seems petty to calculate how much everybody exactly eats.

But you should not go hungry! That is ridiculous, challenge your DH when he plates up (or plate up yourself!!!).

35 kg at 9.5 does not sound too bad? My 10 yr old weighs 42kg and is slap bang in the middle of healthy kid bmi.

[Yellowpansies]

I don't think your only reason for saying something should be that it costs more. You are allowed to be concerned that DSS is overweight. Could you have a look at a height/weight chart (for children) online with your DH to see together whether DSS is overweight? The healthy weight for children does cover quite a range, so he could be chunkier than your DC but still OK. If you can show your DP that he is overweight, he ought to want to address that, but you do need him onboard before you can do much.

[SouthAmericanCuisine]

pansies. Why do you think the OP should "educate" her DP in terms of parenting?

There is a lot of support out there for parents if the OPs DP feels that he needs it. if the OP wasn't in her DPs life, then he'd have to manage, wouldn't he?

I'm strongly of the opinion that stepparents should be a bonus, and their presence shouldn't alter the fundamental parenting values and principles that the parent would apply if the stepparent was not there.

[CandyCrush77]

DSS is definitely overweight. He was on some kind of program at school as he had been classed as obese. He looks overweight with a lot of extra fat on the tummy, bum, thighs etc. Is 35 kilos honestly ok for a 9.5 year old? Seems a lot! My 7.5 year old is 25 kilos and slap bang on the 50th centile for height and weight. I can't believe he will gain another 10 kilos in the next 2 years. 5 possibly. Think DSS is also short for his height which doesn't help. Seems like the consesus is that I should ignore this? Just really really grates!

[Bogburglar99]

Fair enough if he's been on a programme at school. My 9 year old is 134cm, 36 kg and just misses the overweight category on the BMI calculator, but needs a lot of careful management. Do you know how tall DSS is (roughly?)

I don't think you should ignore it but I might separate out the different issues:

1. you and/or your kids going hungry because DSS has scoffed all the available food. Even if he wasn't overweight that's simple good manners within a household surely? If it means he gets less of the main and is hungry, scope to fill up on healthy stuff?
   
   
2. splitting the bills fairly - that's for you and DP to discuss. I do think a 9 and 12 year old of any weight will naturally eat more than a 7 and 5 year old, so would suggest this isn't related to DSS weight.
   
   
3. The fact that DSS is overweight and by the sound of it, needs help with portion control and making healthier choices. I would suggest you need to tread fairly softly with this one but you could perhaps begin a conversation with DH and influence what's eaten as a family to some extent? For example if you give him a kid size portion and he's starving (I believe that, my 9 year old is permanently hungry!) can you offer healthy stuff to fill up on?
   Can you shop for healthier stuff?
   
   Just gentle influence I think - and where does his mum stand on the issue?

[Bogburglar99]

Actually sorry. Re checked and my average height, just-the-right-side-of-respectably-chunky 9 year old DS, is only 33 kg. So if DSS is shorter than average and 35 kg, he will be overweight.

[Lucked]

Well if there is enough left to ask for seconds your first/only portion shouldn't be small just take what you need before anyone has seconds.

I think if you are eating out or offering them a treat from a shop you probably have limited control over what they want at that age so all you can do is make it a rare treat and bring snacks with you. I would suggest changing some of the meals so they are more bulky with veg rather than carbs, so make excess veg but just enough potatos.

Ultimately you need to get DH on board if he s cooking. I wouldn't go on to much about over feeding more about ways to tackle it without making dss self conscious.

Is he active?

[Lucked]

Don't look at growth charts check his bmi on a children's bmi calculator.

[amarmai]

say nothing- food is a very emotive issue. But you need to get more food on your and your kids plates - no-one should be going hungry.

[lunar1]

Why are some family members getting seconds while you haven't had enough in the first place? Do you just sit there hungry not saying anything while food is handed out? It doesn't sound like a healthy family dynamic at all. A you scared to speak up, your post is really quite worrying. Is your husband controlling with you in other ways or does he just think you are happy with your portion if you've never said anything?

[CandyCrush77]

I don't know, he just seems to prioritise the kids over us when it comes to food and in other ways. I have raised this with him and said that we both also need to eat (we are both slim/thin) and he said he often doesn't feel hungry as he picks when he eats but then he'll go and eat a packet of biscuits or loads of bread before going to bed! Had another incident this morning which nearly made me cry (I have PMT). I was stressed, trying to get ready for work and give DSs breakfast. All 4 kids sat down at the table and there was cereal, bacon and toast. DSS grabs the last of the coco pops and empties them into his bowl then between him and DSD they out pretty much all the bason on their plates, leaving 1/2 a tiny piece for DS2 who is really fussy and only eats bacon for breakfast. DS1 was luckily happy to have a bowl of the other cereal. I just felt panic rising and sick as I want to feed my children but feel like they have to compete to get a look in at the dinner table. It's really upsetting me to the extent I think i am going to have to end the relationship over it. DH did step in and tell DSC to give DS2 some of the bacon but I just feel so stressed by the atmosphere at meal times.

[LemonBreeland]

You need to not put the food in the middle of the table, or make it clear that it is for everyone and they can't take all of it. It needs to be shared equally. Also make sure you have plenty of the popular cereals in so that whoever gets there first doesn't get the last of it and upset others.

[iwantgin]

A lot going on here.

The main thing that stands out as something you could do is to serve up away from the table.

I found that if we let the DC (ours and any others present) that they would take more than is appropriate for their share. so then would have to ask them to put some lback.
Plate up in the kitchen.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I think there are practical things you can do to make yourself feel better about this:

1. Speak up- if you're hungry, put more food on your plate. Ensure your children have enough food by asking them if they want more.
   
2. Make some healthy side dishes that can be offered at meal times.
   
3. Talk to your SC about the healthy eating programme the school put him on and see if they gave any advice you can follow at home.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Quite frankly, your step children need to be taught to share and not be so greedy. Why didn't you tell them to put the bacon back and share it out?

[lunar1]

You need to dish up the food before it gets near the table for now. But it's really worrying that in a marriage, step children or not you can't just say pack it in stop being greedy and share out the food.

Is enough food being cooked to feed you all? Or do you need to cook more at each meal? Is money tight or could you put a bit more in the family budget for food?

Is this your only problem or are there other things, it doesn't sound like you have been married long, it should be easy to talk about this. In your situation I'd avoid saying dss is overweight but you must make sure you talk properly about you all having enough to eat. Are the children all with you full time?

[lunar1]

That second line should day you should just be able to speak up, don't know where can't came from!

[Yellowpansies]

I'd suggest only putting vegetables or salad on the table for them to help themselves to. Dish up the other food away from the table and give everyone their plate with the correct sized portion. I'd be inclined to dish it all up in one go and not have seconds - as they are a great way of overeating.

If you put a plate of bacon on the table in front of most children they will take more than their share - taking the right amount is a skill worth teaching in the long run, but may be a bit ambitious given where you are right now. The same with coco pops - if there aren't enough for everyone then the oldest/quickest child is very likely to grab first, so don't put them in that position. Divide them up fairly, or hide the small amount of cocopops that are left until you've bought some more to stop arguments.

I think it might be partly just managing a large family where other kids are bigger and more dominant than yours that you're struggling with.

[BlueBlueSea]

I agree with other PP.

Plate up away from the table. Don't leave the serving dishes in the middle of the table. It could be that they are just eating more because it is in front of them.

Make bigger portions of pasta, rice or the carbs you are serving, they are quite cheap, and let him fill up on that. Maybe give him bread and butter with his meal too. That is what they used to do at boarding school to fill up the kids.

If the school have your DSS on a programme for obese kids, his father will be aware. I would keep out of mentioning it and leave it for your DH and ex to sort out. Just make sure that you are providing a healthy diet for everyone.

Try not to stress about it. Try and let it go.