Serious advice needed, any at all!

[sootyx]

Evening SP's,

Myself and DP have a problem that needs an outsiders advice as there's physically nothing I can say to help this situation, so please, any advice at all will be really helpful!

Basically, I have a DSD, she's 6 and I've never had any trouble with her at all up until the past month. She's DP's non-biological daughter, he got with BM when she was a few months pregnant and the BF wanted and still wants nothing to do with her. DSD might as well be his, he sees her that way and always has, but he's always told her that he's not her biological father, something that she's never been bothered about (mainly because she wouldn't of understood).

But lately me and DP have been a bit tight on money, so any extravagant days out we used to have, stopped. The past few weeks during the holidays that she's come over she's played out on the street with the neighbours kids and we've saved enough money to do something nice with her, but every time we've gone out she's acted up and had some sort of tantrum that ends in us going home and her crying to go back to her mum. The few times we just thought it was a one-off and that she would be fine the next time, she got told off for misbehaving and promised not to do it again and so on.

Today though, is pretty upsetting. We take DSD swimming because she's been wanting to go for weeks, and we thought why not? What could go wrong with swimming? Anyway, DP gets her into the water and tries to teach her to swim bit by bit like he has been doing every time he takes her. Only this time, she's not having any of it. She wouldn't listen to him, she started screaming hysterically in the water, we gave her timeout and told her to sit on the side until she's thought about what she's doing and why it was wrong. He tried again and was greeted with the same reaction, only this time she turned around to him and said "you're not my dad, I want my mum!" (she has NEVER said anything like that before), he gave her yet another chance and then this lovely little girl came over to her and asked if she'd like to have her teach her to swim and DSD didn't give her the time of day, she shoved her back in the little girls face and completely ignored her. A lot of things I can take, but plain rudeness is not one of them. At this point we'd been in the water for a whole 10 minutes and I was so embarrassed, we ended up having to leave because of the constant crying.

In the car ride home DSD turned round and told us she never wanted to see us again, that literally broke his heart, he didn't argue with her he took her home and then got a lot of attitude from BM saying it's all his fault and that he needs to man up to the responsibility of being a dad and not just drop her home whenever she acts up.

So now in my DP's eyes it's the last straw for him. He's taken on this little girl, loved her like his own, worked his butt off to provide a decent future for her, made himself physically ill to make sure she was always happy, listens to the continuous nagging from BM and never once complains about it. He's not asking to be thanked, applauded or be given a medal for what he does, but imo I think he deserves it. How many kids don't have a dad because they can't be bothered with the responsibility? And he just takes her on without a second thought and gets nothing but shit from everyone for it.

What he's asking now is what can we do? We've done punishments, taken toys away, no TV, no games, taken her back to her mums when she screams at us to do so. Does he walk away or keep trying to please a child that clearly doesn't really want to come around anymore? Obviously he doesn't just want to give up on her so please no harsh judgments. We're both trying our best.

Thank you.

[lunar1]

Does he do anything 1:1 with her?

[Learningtoletgo]

Tricky one. These situations are fraught enough when there is a biological bond but in your case she knows he's not her dad so in her eyes doesn't have to do what he says. Unless her mum backs him up 100% I'm not sure how this could work long term. Any negativity towards him will weaken the bond further. However it does sound like she's angry and hurting. She's probably feeling very insecure and if he walks away this could damage her greatly in the long term. Being rejected by your bio dad and then your step dad (who raised you for a number of years) could take its toll on this poor little girl.

I take my hat off to you both for trying to do the right thing. It must be hard.

Does he have parental responsibility for her? Did he adopt her?

[fedupbutfine]

stop handing her back when she demands it - parents don't have that luxury. Actually parent her. Like parents do. And why on earth would you expect a 6 year old child to understand the complexities of your finances and demand that she is somehow grateful and well-behaved all of the time to demonstrate her gratefulness? Don't all parents save a little to take their children on trips, work hard to give them the best and put up with relationships with people they'd rather not have to deal with for the sake of their children? She's 6 years old - it's her job to push boundaries and work out where she stands with people.

Her world has fallen apart - her 'parents' have split up. Her 'real' dad never wanted to know her. She's now trying to get your DP to prove that he loves her - so she's pushing him. Firm boundaries, clear expectations and consistent and fair punishments will sort this out. The ex is right, he needs to man up and do a proper job of parenting.

[sootyx]

Yes he has 1:1 time with her, not much though because she prefers to do things all together. She usually goes on long walks with him and the dog and I stay at home.

No, he has no legal rights at all. So he's pretty much walking on eggshells constantly.

It's all well and good saying take responsibility of all this but what are we supposed to do? She has it in her head that he's not her dad, so when she's not getting her way she demands to go home. We're not going to lock her in her bedroom and make her hate him more than she already does at that point.

Believe me, we've had a fair few tantrums from her and shes been sent to her room and she's come down happier and ready to behave and then shes been a diamond for the rest of the day. The only reason I'm mentioning financial problems is because I thought it could of had something to do with the fact we can't do something every time she's here and getting out of a certain routine would trigger misbehaviour. And since shes not getting her own way constantly shes now acting out, which I totally get that kids do things like that to see how far they can push the parent. I did it myself when I was a kid and my parents split up, we've told her this behaviour is not acceptable and it makes us not want to go out and do things because it all just ends in everybody being miserable and then she apologises and acts the exact same the next time round.

In her short life she's been through a lot, her parents have gone through numerous break-ups and get back togethers, moved all over the place and since they split up for good her dad has moved into a house where she can settle and she finally has a life without any worry, she's even said how much happier she is now so I really can't understand why she's turning against him now.

Also, we've never told her that her real dad never wanted to know her, she knows nothing about him so I don't see how she could understand any of that.

[SouthWestmom]

Maybe her mum is dating, maybe something has been said about getting a new dad o we say, maybe she's just realised this split is final. Is be looking at whether your spouse can formalize the relationship to give her some security.

[Keeptrudging]

She's maybe just hit the age where she's more conscious that other kids have a Dad. I agree with pp, maybe it's time to look at formalising it. Would he like her to call him Dad/does she want to?

[Devilishpyjamas]

Yes don't take her back & play it down. 'Well that's a shame you want to go back to your mum's because I want to see you & have a special pudding in the fridge. I can't eat it all alone. Anyway your mum's out so you'll see her tomorrow'

Etc etc

She's testing boundaries - taking her home when she's got herself in a stew isn't going to help her anxieties (which will lead to further testing).

[Wdigin2this]

I agree with all of the above, she's getting herself worked up into a tantrum, then to see how far she can push you both she demands to be taken home...as if to say 'There, now I've really spoiled your day!' Obviously the changes in her young life have caused insecurities, and I'd agree a) don't take her home, distract, distract and distract again, but maybe stay in the home environment for the time being! And b) definitely look into the possibility of some rights through the SS! If your DP keep seeing her, ensuring she understands you are constants in her life, in later years when she fully understands her background, she'll know somebody was always there for her! Good luck!

[swingofthings]

Please please don't associate any of this behaviour with her family situation. This is typical behaviour of a 6 yo asserting herself. Nothing to worry about at all as long as

[swingofthings]

Please please don't associate any of this behaviour to anything but her being a typical 6 yo asserting her personality. All her dad needs to do is apply discipline. It is the not so fun part of bring a parent and ironically the fact she acts up like this with him is evidence that she does sees him as her dad. Kids at 6 have so much to learn and controlling themselves and respect is one of them. I had such tantrums from mine well especially my boy and even though I have always been his adored mum I heard it all when he got angry. I hate you, you're a horrible mum, he has said it all! He is now 12 and a lovely boy who still adores his mum! Don't take any of this behaviour personally it really is typical and will be seen from children in 'normal' families who raise their children with discipline.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Your DP just needs to continue to be her Dad, which includes just being firm if the boundaries are pushed. Tell her that she does have to do what he says because he is her parent while she is with him, it doesn't have anything to do with whether he is the biological one or not.

He should just consistently tell her he loves her, and what that means. That he takes being her parent/guardian, whatever the word is doesn't matter - that he will be a 'rock' and not give up on her. Ever. How does she know he will always be in her life? Contact should be regular and secure and she shouldn't go back early because she is acting up.

[amarmai]

if she is happy to play with the neighbourhood kids and acts out when she is taken on trips-maybe let her stay with what she seems to prefer. She needs to find her place with peers. Leave it to her to ask for an outing and if you can afford it ,give it a try. Are you planning to have a baby yourself? Because that would alter the parameters.

[mysticlogistic]

It just sounds like she's 6 to me. Do you have kids? Its a bit OTT to say you're embarrassed of her, she's 6. She's going to have confusing times, Nobody is born knowing how to behave perfectly all of the time. Its learnt. And yes she might have always been good with you guys before but maybe you were just lucky or she was just excited to see you or saw it as more of a treat because you used to do more exciting things with her ect. Maybe she feels pushed out or someones mentioned something to her or she thinks you're going to have another child and replace her, who knows but childrens brains aren't rational so i don't think you should really blame her at 6 for saying those things or acting like that because at the end of the day its normal isn't it.

Im not saying it isn't awful for your DP, it must be heartbreaking but I bet she has similar level tantrums with her mum? Surely she must say hurtful things to her mum too and tantrum with her mum? Because if not then her mum would probably be concerned by the behaviour too but to say that he has to man up to his responsibilities as a dad sounds more like she's thinking "well i have to deal with it often enough so why should you moan when its you" sort of thing.

You're right in the sense that theres probably an underlying reason for it but until you know what it is just try and remember that she's 6 and she may need a more gentle approach than excessive timeouts and punishments ect. She might just be needing more love or something like that.

Maybe now she is finally old enough to properly understand that her dad isn't her real dad she's got it into her head that he doesn't love her or maybe its to do with something going on at school or things other kids have said? Have the school mentioned anything? Try not to focus on her behaviour too much, if there was a problem with that it would be showing at school too. It just sounds like she's finding it emotionally difficult and getting a hard time with it. Remember how much more mature you are than a 6 year old. She's probably has no idea why she's doing it. She's just not developmentally mature enough to.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I think 6 is a tricky age, they're definitely not preschool cuties anymore, and they've learnt to act alot more grownup than how they actually are. It's our job as the grown ups to remember that they're still very little, and struggling to understand a big complex world.

You seem convinced that sje has suddenly turned on your DP, that Sje hates me and wants to break the relationship. I wonder why? Why you think that's what she's doing I mean.

[anklebitersmum]

May I suggest that DP approaches the BM for parental responsibility? That can be done for a minimal amount of money if she agrees and they just have to sign the documents (dependent on whether her ex has PR too of course). If BM wants him to 'step up' then that might be a good way to settle the no rights, eggshell situation and hence allow him to parent DSD with confidence.

That said, all children push the boundaries. DSS tried the 'I want to go home NOW' routine on DH (and not for the first time either) when he was with us and hadn't had it all his own way and boy could he throw a hissy fit. DH was all up for taking him but he and I had a quiet conversation and instead he told DSS that his behaviour was unacceptable, it would not be tolerated and he was here for the weekend like it or no. Almost immediately there was stunned silence calm and DH took him out for a brooking-no-arguments-but-brightly-toned 'right then, let's go-get your shoes on' walk to the park. By the time they got there all tantrums had been forgotten and they also had some one on one time.

There's no easy answers here but I think if he wants to be a parent then he has to deal with the tantrums as appropriate and give her the stability she's actually screaming for when she wants to go home. Personally I'd bet that she wants to hear no, I want you to stay rather than be immediately shipped back home where her Mum then bemoans the fact that she's been returned.

Good luck, it's never easy