Eldest DSD got pregnant and didn't tell parents

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Hi, This happened last year, but still feeling the repercussions. Eldest DSD got pregnant, aged 21 last year but didn't tell either parent until she was 8 months gone! She lived with DP until she was about 4 months pregnant (although no one guessed or knew) - then moved out but in a real set of arguments with her parents.

I had encouraged her to think about moving with friends first rather than BF and so did my OH - but she is very volatile and exploded at him and went off to go back to her mother's. He was only advising her!

Anyway, we both got a real shock when she admitted she was pregnant - she'd lied to both parents because she was cross about moving out (even though she did want to move in with her BF). She'd told lots of other people but hid it from parents - literally! My OH continued to see her every week and helped with everything from her rent to moving to fixing shower etc. She gets on fine with her parents usually.

Anyway, it turns out she has been slagging me off the whole time to both parents - saying that it was me that had forced her out (I moved in shortly after). I never even raised the issue of her moving out with DP, and had thought that we had got on well in the year before while I was going out with her Dad. I was a bit concerned about her moving in with BF so soon, (which later turned out to be wise as she now says he was emotionally abusive). She was quite immature about the pregnancy and didn't even go to the doctor until very late on (8 months). I was cross that she had not told her parents, they are the forgiving types and supportive, and I did tell my DP that I didn't feel that he deserved that, and that I didn't deserve to be blamed either for something that had nothing to do with me.

Since then, DSD has grown up quite a bit and looks after her child well, lives back at her mums. But she still says that she finds me 'difficult' to her parents - and varies between asking for babysitting and just ignoring me. My DP got very defensive about the whole thing and said that he couldn't love me if I didn't completely agree that his daughter was just an innocent kid etc. It has caused a big rift between us. I was angry at the time as I thought his DSD had acted manipulatively and irresponsibly, esp about not going to the doctor, but I understood it was very sensitive for him so I just backed off and now I don't say anything negative. I even spoke to her and said that I'd never have influenced DP to chuck her out of the house and that I'd give her support if she needed it, and bought her presents for the baby etc.

But every time she comes to the house or he sees her, no matter how much I try and just be nice, she never asks about me but just looks sullen and fed up. And then later on my DP will mention that his child does not feel welcome by me. I give up!

[BeautifulBatman]

Fuck that. Your dp is being a total knob. Dsd is not an innocent kid, she's a grown woman who a child. I can see where she gets her 'head in the sand' approach. Move out and move on.

[coffeeisnectar]

I feel for you, his dd is an adult who has a child yet is still behaving like a child herself.

Start going out when she's due over. Keeping your distance is the best way to go.

[tribpot]

She's 21, not 15. She is fully responsible for her actions. If your DP doesn't want to acknowledge that, that's his lookout, but I see no reason why you should put up with such a disrespectful relationship - from him, not your DSD. His language, the fact that 'he couldn't love you' if you disagree with him, suggests the manipulative streak runs in the family.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Yes I do think DP is unfairly pushing me out. It is almost like him and DSD have taken 'sides' - which is all a bit weird. A shame as things were really good between me and DP until then.

[mysticlogistic]

I don't think she is fully responsible for her actions, I think if she's lying like that theres probably other stuff going on. 21 is young and her relationship isn't stable, She's moved in and out a few times and she's still young. These days some 21 year olds can be more like 27 year olds, some can be more like 15. She might be alright in a few years and just have a LOT of growing up to do, but i wouldn't take it as too much of a personal thing, I know its hard not to but its probably not. I know its bad that she's not gone to the Drs but there will have probably been a reason in there somewhere, maybe anxiety, things that have happened with her parents in the past or with friends or maybe if a friend of the family has got pregnant young and comments have been made by mum or dad, Obviously for some reason she was really scared of people finding out. I know thats really irrational to you but to her its probably a huge deal. Its great that you've tried to be there for her and she may well come to really appreciate that when she grows up a bit? Can you try just praising her for the responsible decisions she is making and talking to DP about her in a positive way saying when you notice things she does that you are impressed with, and ignore the rest for a bit and see if it brings you any closer together?

[AlanPacino]

How do you know she is slagging you off? Who on earth would repeat that to you? If you feel she was manipulative that's one thing but saying it out loud to a parent will never end well. Your best bet is to foster a relationship with her as the older more mature adult. The more older women she has as friends the better. Seeing it as people taking sides won't help. There are no sides.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I know she's 'slagging me off' because she was cross about moving out to OH and told him that it was me that had put pressure on him to kick her out (not true) and that she didnt' like visiting house because I was there.

To be honest, I did everything to try and foster and relationship for the past 3 years and now I'm backing off. Like other posters, what is more worrying is that my OH seems to blame me too - I've told him it shouldn't matter what his daughter thinks of me - it shouldn't come between us.

[LineyReborn]

So your OH is repeating the 'slaggings off' to you?!

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

He kept it quiet for many months but then told me while we were arguing about something else - it all came out in the way that things sometimes do. In a way I wish I'd known sooner as I was getting ignored but just put it down to adjusting to a new woman.

[Mrsjayy]

She is uncomfortable that her dad has a new girlfriend you havnt lived there long she probably sees you as the new girl friend rather than step parent and intruding which is a shame she is a grown woman with a child yet sulking its probably best if you speak to her like another adult and not your step daughteriyswim she might resent you less. If her dad says anything say im sorry she feels like this or that but what she is saying isnt true.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Thanks Mrsjayy - I've been with her Dad 3 years now and she's not got any better. I just ask how she is etc when I see her and listen to her, but she never asks about me or anything about me. She's moved out so I don't have to be a 'parent' - luckily! I guess I'm just sick of my OH joining in on the resentment - just because a kid is resentful doesn't mean he has to give up trying in our relationship. I'm cross with him!

[Mrsjayy]

I would be annoyed with him too it sounds difficult

[plumpynoo]

I would be tempted to call it a day on the relationship. Your DP seems to have little respect for you, and is frankly delusional when it comes to his daughter! If she was younger (maybe 16/17) i would say she may grow out of this resentment, but as a woman of 21 with a baby, i'm not sure that she will! Think carefully about what you will put up with, as DP "taking sides" against you for imagined slights towards his daughter is juvenile and ridiculous!

[QuiteLikely5]

Please don't tolerate this. Put your foot down.

If you are going to stay, do yourself a favour and don't comment on his daughter, be polite when you see her and when she visits make yourself scarce because in truth she just wants to see her father.

It's never going to be happy families but she is nothing to do with you or your concern really.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Thanks posters. It's pretty depressing that my DP gets resentful with me if DSD says that I make her feel unwelcome - when I clearly am just being polite and backing off. I guess he doesn't feel that much for me in the first place. What else can I do?

[Wdigin2this]

Do you really want to be with someone who holds you to ransom....'I cannot love you if you don't agree my daughter is an innocent kid'???
Well, firstly she's certainly not innocent or a kid, but some father's seem to be better able to deal with their daughter's problems/behaviour, if they mentally regress them to the cute little girly he dangled on his knee! But Secondly, and most importantly, how many other hoops are you going to have to jump through to keep his love? And would it, in the long run be worth keeping....only you know the answer to that!

[Wdigin2this]

i also agree with Plumpey, you should be thinking carefully about what you can or cannot live with in this relationship. His blind spot where his DD is concerned, is a very common trait, and it may well escalate....I wish I had given more thought to what I could/couldn't tolerate, at a much earlier stage, might have saved years of teeth gnashing!

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Thanks Wdigin2this - it does poison the relationship - resentment building up. I suppose for my OH it is too painful for him to see that his daughter might have negative feelings that are all about how she is and not a big SIGN that I am not right for him. He can't separate the two. And because he feels guilty (although no reason why, he takes care of his family really well, didn't cheat etc) I think he bends over backwards to do what his daughters want rather than have some perspective and guide them by showing them he has a right to a relationship.

[amarmai]

wonder who was the scapegoat for oh and sd before you? People who operate this way are not likely to change. Are you willing to be cast as the evil sm? Oh and don't do any babysitting or anything else while you make up your mind whether to live like this or not. You do not deserve this .