Sorry there is quite a bit of background for this.
So DSS is 8. DH and his ex were together for 2 months before she was pregnant they split up whilst she was still pregnant but DH has tried to support them as much as possible.
We got together when DSS was 2 we are married with 3 DCs together and another on the way.
The original contact agreement when I first met DH was every other weekend and one afternoon a week but DH tended to have him for a few extra days a month. Once he started school we also had DSS for half the school holidays.
This has gradually crept up throughout the years and we seem to be having DSS every weekend and we pick him up from school 3 afternoons a week give him his tea and take him to an after school activities as well. We also had him all of half term and most of the two week holidays.
We all have a great relationship with him, it became a bit rocky when I married DH and when our first DC was born but we have worked really hard and he is a great big brother and I have a great relationship with him too and we love having him with us.
So for at least a whole year he has been asking if he can live with us and visit his mum. He keeps saying he isn't very happy there. When we ask him about it he says that he wants to live with us because he spends more time with us even though lots of his stuff is at his mums. His mum doesn't take him to activities and she won't let him have friends from school over to play and she doesn't like taking him out to do things.
Now we have issues with his mum, we suspect that she doesn't use the money DH gives her for DS she is always asking for more money for extra shoes or outfits that we have never seen such as when DS came to ours in his old football boots for an activity and we ask where are his new ones he says that he doesn't have any and when we ask his mum to send some of the new stuff for something there are always excuses.
We also had an incident were she was asking for money to pay for school trips for DSS which he seemed to know nothing about and one day DH made a joke to the class teacher that he wasn't sure he should pay for more trips because DS didn't seem to remember going to them and it then transpired that most of the trips didn't exist, so now we have the teacher give us letters for school trips and letters to his mum so we know what we are paying for.
She also refuses to take him to any parties or activities because she doesn't have a car even though most are in walking distance and those that are further away have a reliable bus service to and from them.
DH has offered to change the contact times as we have him so much anyway including offering to continue to pay some child support even though he would be with us for more time or to split our time with DSS fifty/fifty but she is very reluctant to change things and DH isn't sure what is the best way forward as he has had problems with her saying that he is not the father meaning he had to take a DNA test and her reporting us to SS (they were totally happy with us) and apparently she posts all over Facebook and tells anyone who will listen how horrid we are .
We have offered her the two nights a week that she currently has and Sunday and then half the holidays which is more than she currently sees him and reducing maintenance by 30% and we will still pay for any extras but she says this is unfair and she wants to keep our current arrangement
We really aren't sure what to do next. We would love to have our current arrangement official but she is very reluctant to change anything and we worry that one day she will take against us and stop DSS coming or change the arrangement further.
So has anyone been in this sort of situation before or could advise us on where to go next please.
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DSS wants to live with us
11 replies
lilelmtree · 30/05/2015 21:16
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