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Step-parenting

Dp wants to take our baby over to his exes

21 replies

123janemain · 28/05/2015 09:08

Dp has a son ( nearly 12) from his 1st marriage, he and ex split before his son was 1, over the last 7 years dp has had a troubled relationship with his son often going months at a time without seeing him ( his son choice) dp always kept in touch phoned regularly, popped in to exes house to see son and would tell him he wanted to spend time with him etc.

The last year or so things seemed to improve and he spent time with his son regularly and his son enjoyed coming to mine for weekends to spend time with us and my children and when I got pregnant his son was pleased and happy about a baby brother/sister.

Our baby arrived August last year and dp son saw her 3 times between her birth and Xmas and since then has refused to spend any time with partner, and 98% of the time refuses to even speak with him on the phone.

So now we are at 6 month since he
Has seen his dad or his sister.

Dp has suggested this week that he wants to take our baby over to his exes to see his son and I honestly not sure how to feel about this or if this is a good idea?

I'm guessing the baby has something to do with his son not wanting to see him and while I understand he is currently having no relationship with the baby I'm not sure taking her over to his exw house will help, if his son continues to refuses to see him his exw certainly isn't going to want dp and the baby sat at her house on a regular basis! In this whole time dp son hasn't shown any interest in the baby or asked to see her etc.

Where do we go from here? I'm thinking that dp needs to work on his relationship with his son before he worries about his sons relationship with the baby!

OP posts:

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DaysAreWhereWeLive · 28/05/2015 09:11

I think it would be quite a nice thing to do, and worth a try?

Buttercup27 · 28/05/2015 09:13

I think he should try visiting on his own first so he knows he can still see dad on his own and rebuild the relationship.

twistletonsmythe · 28/05/2015 09:14

I don't think it is a good idea at all. You sit at home while your baby spends time with his ex wife - just feels odd to me.

I agree he needs to see his son alone first, taking the baby along too feels a bit like emotional blackmail to me.

twistletonsmythe · 28/05/2015 09:15

also - contact between him and his son should not take place in his home.

123janemain · 28/05/2015 09:24

Thanks for replies my first reaction was also no way but wondered if I was being unfair!

I'm guessing the reason he doesn't want to see his dad must be something to do with the baby so I don't think forcing her on him is the right thing to do! Dp has been texting his son pics of baby etc and getting no response.

OP posts:

isthatmorelego · 28/05/2015 09:24

Would it not be rubbing the baby in his ex's face maybe his son feels jealous over baby having dad living / time with her.

12 is an age with hormones and trying to be grown up ds2 was born when ds1 was this age thankfully it went well but could have easily gone the other way. Its also not considering his ex very much.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 28/05/2015 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anyoldnameforathread · 28/05/2015 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

123janemain · 28/05/2015 09:42

His son is a hours drive away.

OP posts:

whiteiris · 28/05/2015 10:24

No I don't like the sound of this. My DP has said that our Dd is to have no contact with my ex, and I respect that.

Wdigin2this · 28/05/2015 10:43

Not a good idea, he needs to be nurturing his relationship with his son, making sure the child understands his place in his dad's life is still important. Also, he shouldn't be going to EW's home to visit DS, he should be picking him up and taking him out for teats, just the two of them together, then very gradually re-introduce you, your DC and his baby sister back into the equation! Very slowly and very softly does it. it'll probably take a long time, but stick with it!

twistletonsmythe · 28/05/2015 10:52

I don't think forcing his son to have a relationship with a half sibling is very fair either.

gofuckyourself · 28/05/2015 14:27

If your partner has tried everything else then I think it's worth a shot. As long as his ex wife doesn't mind of course but I expect she will be willing to try anything if she's a good caring mum.
My children have gone round and had tea with their step siblings at my husbands ex's house and they aren't even related so I really don't see a problem with your dp taking his OWN baby to see his son. You never know it may help and that is a good thing no?

TheMummalo · 28/05/2015 19:12

Bad idea...
The ex will hate it
A 12 yo boy won't appreciate it
Your baby will have a round trip of 2 hours just to try to make others happy.

Hell would freeze over before I let my small baby be a pawn in this game.

MeridianB · 28/05/2015 19:13

Trust your instincts, OP.

Even if your DSS's lack of contact has nothing to do with the baby, surely it would be best for him and his dad to meet and chat one to one.

Baby's are lovely distractions but is a distraction what your DSS needs right now? Or your DP? It's not ideal for him to concentrate on his DS if he needs to feed/change/comfort/play with baby.

Could your DP take DSS out for a pizza or something, just the two of them, so that DSS has the opportunity to chat or not to chat.

NorahDentressangle · 28/05/2015 19:33

I would say that babies are boring when little and fascinating when 2-3 years (not to DPs obviously) so I don't think a 12 year old boy would be that interested.

123janemain · 28/05/2015 20:03

His son is refusing to do anything with him, he has tried bowling/burger, golf, footy, fishing, go karting, even just a kick around outside but the answer is always no!

Last time we saw his son was mid December

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 28/05/2015 20:17

So is your DP proposing to turn up unannounced at his ex's house, in the hope that having the baby with him will somehow change his DSs mind about seeing him?

Or has the DS agreed to see his dad at ex's home, and your DP is planning on the baby being a surprise?

Whichever, it's very manipulative - if your DP wants to help his son and resolve the issues, then professional support may be necessary; not some sort of game playing that could backfire massively on everyone.

wheresthebeach · 01/06/2015 09:36

Uhh...no. Not a good idea.

He needs to concentrate on his DS, the baby will take all his attention and that won't help anyone.

DS needs to see his Dad, on his own, so they can start to sort things out. Forcing the baby on him isn't going to help.

Can't imagine Ex will be thrilled either!

wheresthebeach · 01/06/2015 09:37

Maybe he can agree with the Ex to visit - no big plans. Just hang out for a bit.

LaLyra · 02/06/2015 17:20

What's his ex's thoughts?

If she's encouraging a relationship between them and likely to be supportive it could work.

If she's against it, and your DP is likely to face hostility then it's a bad idea.

I think it's important though not to just go with your instinct. If your DP's instinct feels that his son will react better to meet his sister on his own territory then that's important too.

Unless your daughter is in actual danger then I think you should trust her father. At least he's trying to think of ways to keep his relationship with his son going.

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