Problems with DSC...I'm ready to walk to protect my own DCs :(

[tallulahlah]

I'm totally at my wits end and don't know what to do...
I know some of the things I'm going to say will probably sound like I'm being horrible about my DSC, I'm not, I'm just trying to be totally honest about the situation and how I feel because I've spent years now thinking and being told by DH "it's just a phase...they'll grow out of it...it's just kids being kids blah blah". But I don't know how much more of this I can take and I'm worried about my own DCs.
I've been with DH for over 11 years now, we have DD8, DS12 (mine from previous relationship), DSS14 and DSD16.
Obviously the kids were all young when we met, things have always been up and down and we've always had trouble with DSS's behaviour but its gradually got worse and worse. He first started getting in trouble at school for hitting when he was 6 and despite help from all angles..mental health, support workers, a charity for troubled kids etc...his behaviour has got progressively worse. He now rarely goes to school. When he does go to school he's slways getting in to fights, he got permanently excluded from his last school but now attends a school which are trying their best to get the best out of him, he's not interested.
I'm worried about him because it's just a matter of time before he messes with the wrong person and gets in trouble with the law. He's had the police come to his home and had a bit of a warning but so far no actual legal proceedings.
My DCs have been subjected to bullying and violence, I've been hit on a number occasions too.
DSD is a lovely girl but she's got a horrible circle of friends. She's a bright kid but her predicted GCSE's are mostly D's. Too bothered about being cool and boys to care about her exams.

They stay with us EOW and after the last time they stayed i stripped the bedding off their beds and found Nitrous oxide canisters stuffed down the side of DSS's bed.
My friend had told me about this craze a couple of weeks earlier so I knew what it was instantly.
I'm absolutely fuming that he's brought something that could potentially harm or even kill my kids in to my home - a place where my kids are supposed to be at their safest.

DSC are coming tonight but I'm getting all worked up about it already.
I don't want that boy around my kids anymore. I've tried and tried and tried my best over the years and I feel like just throwing the towel in, he's not a boy I'd allow DS to be friends with normally but yet I'm letting them share a room!

I'm worried about what's going to become of DSS but I'm really worried he's going to drag DS down with him, especially as they're close in age.

DH says he's gonna talk to him tonight but for me I've just had enough n don't want anything to do with him anymore.

[Storm15]

That sounds really tough OP. I'd be very concerned too in your shoes.

Not a long term solution but do you have somewhere you could go with your DS and DD this weekend? Or can your DH take DSS somewhere else?

How does your DH deal with his son's behaviour? How does his Mum deal with it?

Does your DH empathise with how you're feeling in respect to needing to protect your DC?

My gut reaction would be to refuse to have him in my home BUT it's your DH's home too and your DSS is his son so you're between a rock and a hard place. I really feel for you.

[Quesera21]

You can walk away from your family of 11 yrs if that is how you feel - the benefit of being blended I suppose.

However, if it was the other way round and it was your DCs, doing N2O and disruptive, would you be happy if your DP walked aswell?

Families encounter all sorts of behaviour, they generally tackle it as a family. My brother was the a *hole from hell as a teenager, 11-8, then at about 19 he seemed to morph and is really lovely now. I suppose my parents could have run away from the situation but they worked and supported him. He is a respected member of the community and a good boss - never owuld hae thought it at the time though

[tallulahlah]

Storm - I could stay at my mum's or dad's tonight, DS is with his dad tomorrow but on Sunday I'm in work and DH is supposed to have all 4 on his own. It makes me not want to go to work but I can't not go.

DH is the most patient and laid back guy. At times this has its benefits, he rarely loses his patience with DSS and I think for him to know that his dad loves him unconditionally is really important. BUT I think sometimes he needs some firm discipline and he doesn't seem to be getting that from anywhere.

Sorry need to pick DD up from school...will carry on post when I get home x

[tallulahlah]

DH tends to deal with it by 'talking', again, I think there's times that's really great but there's never any consequences to DSS's behaviour. It's always been the way. If DS or DD ever misbehave there's consequences - no treats/banned from tablet for a period of time or whatever. This rarely happens to DSS.

His mum thinks he's got aspergers. He hasn't. She has a tendency to blame things or ppl for anything which is wrong instead of trying to deal with the problem.
He has seen various Dr's and mental health professionals over the years and she has always been pushing for a diagnosis of aspergers or autism but they have never given one, although he does have some characteristics which can also be associated to those conditions, he does not have it. She doesn't believe them.
I used to work with children with aspergers and autism as well as other conditions and I don't feel he displays many of the characteristics they do. But I'm not qualified to diagnose.

As she believes his behaviour is due to Aspergers she believes that he shouldn't be disciplined as it's not his fault.
But even when I met him when he was a toddler, before there was even an inkling that anything was wrong, there was no discipline or boundaries.

[tallulahlah]

Quesera - I honestly don't know what I'd do if it was the other way round. I think I'd be unhappy if DH left because he couldn't be bothered to deal with it but if it was because he wanted to protect his other children from a child he felt was a risk to those children, then yes I think I could understand that.
This has been going on for years and there has been times when things have happened and I've told DH that I want to limit the amount of time DS spends with DSS and I've tried to arrange it so he's at his Dad's whilst DSS is here.
I don't worry about DD as much because there is a bigger age gap, I think it's unlikely she'll be influenced by him.
Although I'm now concerned about this nitrous oxide, if he offered her some I'm sure she'd have it cos it looks so innocent, but it could kill her!
DH has been quite offended in the past and seen it as though I'm saying that his kids aren't good enough to be around mine. But it's not like that, I just don't want DS copying his behaviour and thinking that it's ok to hit people or even being hit himself, which has happened many many times.

I Know what you mean about kids changing - my brother had problems as a kid and changed when he was about 19 too. It was girlfriends and the army that sorted him out!
But what if DSS doesn't change? How long do I wait to find out? I'm not sure how much more of it I can cope with

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

If it was your partner hitting you and your DC the advice here would be so very different. I believe your priority here should be protecting your DC, especially your DS from any future bullying and violence. The nitrous oxide incident was absolutely horrendous and unless your DH is going to deal with it properly, I think you should either leave or refuse to have DSS in your home.

You nailed it by saying DH thinks his son isn't 'good enough' to be around your DC. When he puts them at serious risk of injury on a regular basis he shouldn't be anywhere near any of you - it seems very clear to me. It's time for your DH to realise he has to parent his son properly or lose the rest of his family.

Sorry that you are going through this, tallullah

[Quesera21]

tallulah - not criticising you at all. It is v difficult situation.

I agree a dose of "national service" would probably change him for the better! Same with my brother, he found the air corps and from being the dirtiest most slovenly feral thing -he got up every morning to wax and polish everyones shoes!!!

Do not underestimate your own DCs intelligence. Ask the older one about behaviour and any bets he will surprise you and will have worked out already he does not want to be like his DSS.

Drugs in the house are a no go - he stops or he leaves. That is a no brainer in my mind.

[Hissy]

Have YOU gone postal at dss? Would that be a possibility? To tell him with your dh blessing that drugs are unacceptable and that if he brings them into your home again he'll be taken straight home again.

You have every right to protect your home from harm, no matter where that comes from.

I'd swap shifts on Sunday and make sure you can take your dc somewhere so that Dh can read him the riot act after you have done.

You are perfectly within your rights to cancel contact on the basis of the nitrous oxide.

[MeridianB]

Tallulah, your OP mentions violence towards your children and you say you have been hit by DSS. What did/does your DH do in response to this?

[Caorunn]

This is not a step-parent issue but a parenting teens issue. The adults involved need to decide how they are going to deal with the teens unacceptable behaviour - that shouldn't imo include excluding the misbehaving teen from his home with his father.

And it would be utterly unacceptable to do so. It would not be an option in a 'together' family so why should it be an option here? In a more traditional set-up techniques and a way of living would be established to protect any younger siblings as much as possible - but actually I think Quesera makes a good point, younger children exposed to an idiot of a teenager generally see the whole.

I doubt if your DS becomes an arse in a few years time your response would be to remove him from the family home to protect your DD. Just because something is a possible solution it doesn't mean it is the right one.

All that said at 16 your DSS needs to start learning some harsh life lessons around what is an isn't acceptable and that is where you and your DH need to agree. With your DH being clear that if he needs to start helping his son by providing boundaries and lessons on how life really is. But I feel can't truly expect him to exclude his son from his home - that would be doing his son a real dis-service. And I guess bluntly if you do not want your children to be around your husband's son then perhaps you need to agree alternative childcare while you work - not exclude the clearly idiot teen from his father's life and home.

[hoobygalooby]

But in a together family both parents can discipline and bring all dc up the same way. You wouldn't let one child get away with something the others wouldn't.
I would refuse to allow DSS to be in the same house as your dc until the drugs situation is dealt with and he knows it is unacceptable in your home

[tallulahlah]

I'm so confused right now I really don't know what to do for the best.
I'm not for a minute asking DH to stop contact or exclude him, he is his son and how he decides to father him his down to him.
But I am seriously considering leaving DH so that I don't have to share my home with a boy/young man who I don't feel safe around.

[tallulahlah]

Yes you're right about DS, he's one of the cool lads, a bit of a joker and a prankster but he likes people to follow the rules and from an early age it's always upset him when people misbehave. He definitely doesn't see DSS's behaviour positively, quite the opposite.
I've already warned him about the dangers of nitrous oxide and told him to never inhale anything from a balloon because you can't tell what is inside it and it could be something dangerous.
He's got a nice circle of friends and luckily DSS lives about an hour away so I don't really need to worry that he's going to join his circle of friends.

[Sethspeaks]

You are in a really, really tough situation. I just wanted to post in support .

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to minimise how much he is around your children at the moment. Can you take them out, go to see family or friends just you and them on contact weekends.

I don't blame you for having thoughts of leaving and that's definitely an option. But it's never straightforward coming to a decision like that and shouldn't be a knee jerk one. You and your children deserve to feel safe in your own home though.

[jovialjulia]

I can't see how often he comes to you Op? Have I missed it?

[waithorse]

Please consider, if you do split with dh, then your dd8 will still see her half brother when she visits her father. You wouldn't know what dss was up to or, if your dd is in any danger of finding his nitrous oxide. At least now you're around to see what's going on.

[tallulahlah]

they come EOW, but it's flexible so if they feel like coming on a weekend that isn't their normal weekend, then that's fine. Or if they want to see their friends or there's something happening on a weekend they usually come, then that's fine too. But on average EOW plus some holidays.

waithorse that is exactly what keeps going through my mind too, I keep thinking ''i need to leave''. But then I think about what will happen when I'm not there.
DH is like a Dad to DS too, he's been around since he was a baby and although he still sees his bio Dad he doesn't really play a parental role, IYKWIM. He's like a cool uncle who's a bit of a laugh, not a real Dad. I think if we split DS would still carry on seeing DH as though he is his Dad.
So splitting with DH wouldn't guarantee DCs wouldn't be at risk, it would just mean I wouldn't know about it or be able to monitor it.
Unless I said that DH could only have DCs when he didn't have DSS...but then that would just make me a nasty controlling bitch and it would be seen as me trying to use the DCs as a weapon.
So I can't win whatever I do really, can I?