What age does teen behaviour start?

[daisychainmail]

I'm not having a problem with my DSC, more wondering how she's changing. She's 11 and a half and up until now she has been like a big child. However she has started getting other sociable weekend plans that seem to be affecting access, and has asked for some unreasonably expensive xmas presents!!

Isn't 11.5 too young? Also, what can I expect from the years to come (in a step, NRP situation)?

[Rivercam]

Every teenager is different. My 12 year old is displaying teen mood swings a lot sooner than his elder brother.

At this age, they start realising they are growing up, and dip their toes into adulthood. They'll start trying to push the boundaries, try new things etc, and be more aware of the adult world. If they are in senior school, ,they will will make a wider circle of friends with new ideas etc. Peer pressure could be influencing the present choice.

[wheresthelight]

sounds about spot on if my dss is anything to go by I am afraid

mood swings, locking himself in his room for hours without speaking to anyone, being a grumpy little sod when asked to do anything he doesn't want to do (my mum calls it payback for me being a proper little bitch at the same age). he is a lovely kid most of the time and when not on teenager mode is fab to hang out with but there are times when I could happily wring his neck. mind I have a 15 month old dd who is in full terrible two's mode and also being a stroppy little sod so I am getting a pretty rough ride at the moment!!

[Goingintohibernation]

I think it varies massively. My 7 year old acts like a little teenager at times, DSS is 18 and has never really done the typical teenage stuff, apart from a bit of grunting and staying in bed until lunch time.

[wheresthelight]

as for what to expect I can't help as dss is the eldest but more of the same I should think.

I was a real bitch during my early teen years mostly down to issues with an alcoholic abusive father, a mum who didn't care and bullying at school though. mind I knew plenty of kids who didn't have those issues who went fully off the rails!

I wouldn't let her dad stop her doing social stuff on his weekends or she will resent him (and you by association) but instead try and come to compromises like you can do x on Saturday but Sunday is a family day, or agree times that she can go out with her friends etc. may also be worth a chat with her mum to see how it's being handled there so all households are singing from the are hymn sheet and that will help rule out "but mum/dad let's me" arguements

[daisychainmail]

We don't live anywhere near them whereis so she simply doesn't come at all if she's busy, which is a bit sad.

[TywysogesGymraeg]

Can you re-negotiate access? Or can her Dad talk to her and tell her he misses her when she's not around at the w/e and come to some compromise with her? Perhaps he could see her more in the holidays or something?

[wheresthelight]

that's a real shame! we are only a mile or so from dsc's home with their mum so it's easier!

is there anyway you can renegotiate access so he sees he on a week night or picks her up on a Saturday tea time and drops her to school monday depending on distance obviously so that he still gets access?

what is the current arrangement? is it every weekend or every other? if it's every weekend maybe now is the time to move to every other?

unfortunately as kids (especially girls) get older they will choose friends over the nrp. make sure what time she is there is quality time with her dad. it's a fine line between not forcing her to come and sounding like you don't give a toss. so maybe telling get her he misses her but if the event is that important then he will see her on x day instead

[TheMumsRush]

Can't help you there op as I'm wondering the same myself

[purpleroses]

Could you see if she'd like to bring a friend with her one weekend?

My DD is 11, and since starting secondary school there's been huge changes in how she is, what she wants to do and a social life is starting to become quite important for her out of school.

Fortunately her dad lives nearby so going to his for a weekend doesn't completely block her seeing friends, but even so she's become a lot less keen to go recently - I think it's mainly that home is more just a place to come back to, where you keep your stuff, eat meals - seeing either of her parents is less important than seeing friends. And the amount of books and other stuff she now has that have to move between houses with her makes life complicated for her.

[daisychainmail]

Yes, ok - all good suggestions. I suppose although it feels like the most important thing to do is maintain regular contact at all costs, perhaps what's actually most important is letting her know everything will be the same when she does come and that we support her growing up.

[daisychainmail]

I thought this would happen at 13/14 though, not 11.

[HesNotAMessiah]

Daisy - you're last post but one. Spot on!

I became the NRP when I split with my ex, kids had very active social lives at the time and it did feel like I had to book time with them as just getting them to pop round for dinner or spend a weekend afternoon with them was often met with 'I'm busy with/going to...'.

My experience suggests this one warning. Even though I lived only a few miles away I started to see them less and less. Partly because they were busy, partly because I didn't really plan ahead.

I did make sure I took on the dad taxi role where I could but that's not quality time as a parent.

I suppose what I'm saying is yes, you're absolutely right to be supportive in her social life but perhaps agree with her that at least every so often it's her that gives something up to come and see you. Or her social life just starts and finishes at your house.

Maybe make it movie night/weekend or dinner out/take away so it's got soemthing more to it than just 'I have to go to my dad's this weekend'.

[NomorepepperpigPLEASE]

dd1 is now 19. She had a funny spell at 11 when she started high school and thought she was an adult and wanted to be treated like one eg.. you cant tell me what to go bed, you cant tell me what time to come in at, you cant tell me that i cant sleep out on a school night because im old.

Then it went quiet for a few years and started up again at 15-16. You cant tell me I cant go to night club, you cant tell me I'm grounded (after sneaking to night club) You cant tell me not to die my hair jet black (dd has blonde hair) blah blah...

regarding expensive present... Start as you mean to go on otherwise expect it to be taken for granted! DD1 was spoiled as it was just me and her and I had a good job and it was probably the worst thing I did. Buying expensive presents for teenagers does not make them like you more.

[purpleroses]

I think it does just get harder to make things work with two homes as they get older. When they were young I would pass my DCs between my care and their dad's much like you would send them to a childminder - someone had to be looking after them at all times and we as parents worked out which of us it would be when.

So much changes around 11 - they don't need "looking after" every minute of the day, so there's no reason for them to necessarily be at one house rather than the other. They want to see friends more, they like to have their possessions nearby, they care which clothes they wear and won't just put on whatever happens to be at Dad's house, etc.

Not sure what the expensive present your DD is after is - though if it's a mobile phone or laptop that she could take between houses that might actually be a really good idea (if you can afford it) as being able to have online contact with your friends can make it easier being at a different home.

"Hesnotamessiah* - makes a good point about not letting things slip too badly. Your DSD is only 11 so I think you can still put your foot down some of the time at least and tell her she's not to mess everyone around and cancel plans every weekend. Though I'm not sure about the comment being the taxi driver - I find that driving teenagers around is about as close as you get to quality time

[daisychainmail]

Thanks everyone, really useful. We live at least a 3-hr round trip from them so taxi is not really possible. I think it's a good idea about my DH putting his foot down a bit, I'll see how far it slides. He'snotamessiah did you get close to your children again as they got older, or was it an early start to the process of them moving off into their own adult lives?

[MaltedMilkBiscuits]

My DSD is 11 and a half too and exactly the same. Though she's been like it for a year or so now! Her xmas list has gone from dolls prams to designer handbags.

She always has a friend with her now, brings one along to anything if we say she can and otherwise is off out with them.

I remember being like it but it was a bit later for me, I think some kids just grow up quicker. Secondary school was a huge turning point. New friends, new boys! She's like a little woman.