Just popping in...

[fackinell]

...to bang my head off the step parenting wall. I am not in the market for a flaming and most certainly not in the mood for any 'darling' flowery shit!!

Between my partner (not married) and his daughter (17, going on 10 or 25 depending on what she can get out of it) are slowly turning me from a fun loving, sunny person into a stereotypical wicked stepmother. In their minds at least.

So as not to drop feed, I have no kids of my own, lost 3 in the 3 yrs I've been with P. Not the OW, his ex left for OM taking all her kids, 2 that P raised as his own. This happened years before I was on the scene but now I'm around they won't see him at all.

P's D has been difficult from day dot towards me. I'm the only P her dad had ever had apart from her mum. I have had tantrums thrown over everything from me moving in, she hadn't given her permission (wtf?) although she only stays over 1 day a wk. It wasn't exactly planned tbh, I just stayed over more and more until I was kind of absorbed in.

She claimed to be allergic to my cat and said she didn't want him living in the house. Lucky for her he died very suddenly a month later (don't!! It has crossed my mind too and I can't go there.) her family has been truly awful to me. Shouting and swearing, banging in the windows in the night, malicious text messages and finally managed to drive a wedge between my step sister and I and we no longer talk. (I have no idea how this happened or what was said as my sis won't say.)

I have honestly never said a bad word to P's D. I notice her new hairdo, (wow, green really brings out your eyes ) have given her money to take her dad out for Father's Day, give her lifts on demand request, you get the idea.

Last week I complemented her on a successful test situation that she sailed through. I told her it was something I struggled with and well done to her. She stormed out in tears because I was being 'mean to her.' Even P couldn't understand what I'd said wrong. He went after her and after half an hr came back and said she was upset and could I maybe apologise

She's put the kabosh on P and I moving to the city (his suggestion and I was so excited having lived there for years in the past.) she said she didn't want him to go and guess what? We're not!!

Last night I had a few vinos and let my mouth go, when as usual she rushed to close her bedroom door as I passed. P kicked (gently as if you would tap someone to get their attention) me from under the covers to shut me up but immature as it was she needed to hear that I was pissed off!

If you've made it this far, give yourself a pat on the back. Feel slightly better having ranted that out. P off to work without speaking to me but hey-ho. Tantrums seem to be the only language he understand.

Anyone else want to bang their heads on my virtual wall?

[fackinell]

I forgot to mention that she has her own cat, who clearly is hypoallergenic!!

[wheresthelight]

how have you not killed her or more to the point him for being a spineless twat??!!!

I have done the same mouthing off about dss when he has been a complete shit to me too! hopefully it will have an effect on him if not her!

my dp finally took notice after I threatened to rip dsc's head from his shoulders if he ever spoke to me like shit again (top of my voice with dss stood outside our bedroom door). Dp made dss apologise at which point dss got a gob full and a fair few home truths spat at him about who it is that painted his room, bought his furniture, bought his birthday presents, put food on the table etc etc. since then whilst not perfect he has been 100% better towards me.

^passes cushion to prevent bruising^

[fackinell]

Oh well done, Wheresthelight!! I have fantasised about giving her a telling off but I'm not sure I'd ever stop!! P home now and I've explained my case with my usual infinite patience saying that I get that he doesn't want to upset her but by allowing her to treat me like shit, he is disregarding my feelings. I said to him he needs to step up and parent her if she's being rude. I told him that I understand she will always be no1 in his life and I would not want to be with a father that would have it any other way. But I want, nay demand the same respect that I show her. I just told him about our little secret where I gave her money to treat him and now I feel mean. WTF is wrong with me?!!

[fackinell]

What a meanie doing all those things for you DSS. Me too, I also painted her room and bought her a lovely faux fur throw and full length mirror to make it even nicer for her. I am such a cow, aren't I?

[wheresthelight]

next to evil bitch stepmum in the oed is a picture of us both!!

I have the bonus that dss is only 11 so I have time to help mould him! he gets sway with murder st home and hates that I have rules but he has learnt the hard way what happens if he disrespects me and tge rules - dp cancelled hos birthday Party and made him explain to his friends why. has massively changed his behaviour

however if I were you I would stop facilitating, tell her a few home truths and tell her outright that you will not stand for it

[fackinell]

That's good you have your DP's support, madam can do no wrong. He did actually listen to me yesterday though and he cancelled her coming round (an extra, spur of the moment, not a scheduled visit) so that we could go out for dinner. That is unheard of!! I went with it although I felt a bit bad because he was finally putting 'us' first and we had her round the two days before.

I just pointed out how hurtful it was to be disliked for no reason and that I had always tried my best but would now stop trying and accept that she will never like me. He loves that I always make an effort despite rebuffs and he won't want that to go.

I am relieved that she is almost an adult and may just snap out of it herself soon. I pointed out that my mum was married with two children by his D's age and that she is not a child and should learn to be mutually respectful. By age 17 you should not be trying to manipulate and get your own way by storming out in tears over nothing. I refuse to
be part of the am dram!!

[fackinell]

Yes, I probably do facilitate her. You lie down, you get walked on...

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

I think you need wine more that coffee though. You have stickability I'll give you that, I'd have been out if there ages ago!

Mind your head!

[fackinell]

Thanks Chipping.
I did say to him yesterday that for a lesser man I'd have been off ages ago but he's otherwise a good guy. Can be an antisocial arse and total Disney Dad but I know the former is through a hectic business and the latter is through love and wanting his D to be happy.

[daisychainmail]

He's going to need to tell her off I'm afraid, or she'll grow up to be horrible.

[fackinell]

I agree, Daisy, and the next time something like this happens I will not ignore it but bring it up in front of both of them the next time I see her. It's the only way I can think of to bring it to the surface and see how they both react. I try and wipe the slate clean each time she 'plays nicely' but that just teaches her she can get away with it. I've been suffering from stress related illnesses for months now and I'm pretty sure it's from saying nothing over being badly treated.

[wheresthelight]

unfortunately fackinhell I think confrontation is probably your only option. it's awful to think you have to "plot" to be mean but sometime it is the only way.

in a way I think by stepping back and feigning that it doesn't bother us we minimise the issue and then our partners don't see it as an issue because we aren't whinging about it. I think they fail to see that we are hurting and just biting our tongues til they bleed!!

the odd eruption might just make them both see you won't be walked over

[fackinell]

She would be stunned!! But I'd expect the shit to hit the fan and mummy would then become involved. Not that I care, she isn't exactly a shining example of morality so meh.

Have pretty much decided to take a back step from her. I should have done it a year ago. I paid half the cost of taking her on a city break trip for Christmas shopping. We spent a fortune. Her Dad suggested she give me her no as I know the city well and if we got separated she could call me. She changed her no when we got back and declined to give me the new one at her Dad's request. So this year, no niceties, they can put the tree up themselves and any Christmas present suggestions will be all from him. She's now 'in acquaintances' and unfollowed on FB. I feel I need to reinforce my point here.

[wheresthelight]

wow she is stunningly rude!!!

has she always been like this or is it something that has developed

[fackinell]

Always been like this, to me at least. We have many weeks where there is no hassle but the general displeasure at my living and breathing is always omnipresent. Her Dad saw no harm in the number change as she did get a new phone, but he said she'd need to give me her new no and she looked panic stricken. I said not to force her and she never gave me it. He won't face these kinds of issues though as that would be admitting that she's BU. She doesn't have to give me her no, of course, but then don't accept my money or any kindness from me. It works both ways.

I honestly cannot wait to see how she gets on in the real world. I truly hope she meets someone with kids and sees what it's like from my side. She's struggling with getting the grades she needs for college ATM
and having to find work to pay for an expensive hobby that she wants to continue so a lot of this dummy spitting is coming from things not going her way. If she's always been protected from that then it's bound to be a shock. The real works isn't a Disney movie, unfortunately.

[wheresthelight]

sounds like your dp needs a lobotomy! he has created the situation and now doesn't want to deal with the fall out!

this is exactly the reason why I flipped my lid as there was no way in hell I was being treated like scum in my own home. I have a dd with dp though song so got to use the arguement that I wasn't having a set of rules for dd and a separate set for dsc's and as I whole heartedly disagree with the giving a child everything and never saying no school of thought then his kids would have to adapt

[fackinell]

That is a good bargaining tool. With no DC of my own I don't have that option, unfortunately. Her loss though as I had every intention of embracing her as a family member and hoped we could be great friends, I will be perfectly polite now but I have no intention of trying to develop a closeness with her any more. Her Dad and I are otherwise happy together and trying to create a distance between us has backfired. I won't be part of her special
occasions any more and I have no intention of making her part of mine. She's blown it spectacularly with me.

[wheresthelight]

unfortunately you will always be the one in the wrong in her eyes!

have some whilst I settle in with my

[fackinell]

Enjoy your
I am indeed having some
And breathe...

[wheresthelight]

[Wdigin2this]

FFS, step-parenting is a thankless job...why the hell do we do it?

[yellowdaisies]

Wdgin - you seem to keep posting on threads from months back. The OP is unlikely to see your response or find it much use tbh, and it confuses other people who don't realise it's an old thread.

MN usually puts a warning on old threads, saying they are a Zombie thread, which you might want to watch out for in future?

[notharriet]

It's not that old...

[Ems1812]

She has a right to post on a thread no matter how old it is? It's not confusing anyone, she's just being supportive to the OP