Long term effects on step children

[thebluehen]

When children are brought up with parents who are separated, where there is high conflict even if the children don't directly experience the conflict, where the Nrp is insecure about their relationship with their children and are frightened of losing them so "disney" parent them. Where the ex tells the children their father is a waste of space and not to be respected. What effect does this have on the children when they become adults?

I am increasingly worried about my dsd1 (aged18) who seems so lacking in confidence and insecure as well as seeming to be quite immature for her age.

Dsd2 (aged 16) lives with us full time and has dealt differently with her parents relationship. She seems so much more independent and yet has been given less materially and less "spoilt" by her dad.

I think my dp feels he doesn't have to "try" and buy dsd2 love because she is with us all the time. He says he feels his relationship with dsd1 and 2 are very different. He told me, for example, that he would never take dsd2 out for lunch without dsd1 as dsd1 would get jealous. However he admitted that he would have no problem taking dsd1 out without dsd2 as dsd2 wouldn't be jealous.

I wonder if dp's insecurity is something that has had a direct effect on dsd1? Has she "learnt " to be insecure? Have all the mixed messages confused her and she feels she can't "trust" the people who are supposed to be honest with her?

[partyskirt]

Hiya. I have two stepkids of very different temperaments (regarding their relationships with their parents, me, etc), with the older one being considerably more tricky (as in your situation). I think some of it can be attributed to the divorce and damage of separated parents but also a lot of the weirdness with my DSC1 can quite frankly be attributed to habits that set in when she was being parented by her together parents, when she was a smaller child. They didn't do a very good job as their relationship was crap, and she is mostly insecure as a result of that I think, rather than the separation. We're inclined to think things would have been hunky dory if the parents were together, but particularly with the oldest child of a dysfunctional pair, they're often actually warped by stuff that happened "before things went wrong" iyswim.

[thebluehen]

Thanks for the reply.

One of the things that dsd1 does is constantly reminisce about life when her parents were together.

I have never heard her say anything positive about experiences since.

Maybes she is trying to build a false picture because it wasn't any good?

Surely if those first ten years of her life were so happy, she wouldn't be having these insecurity issues?

I just don't know. She's an adult now but so unhappy.

[choochoomcgrew]

I have nothing to say other than this is so familiar. Though the children are younger, recently (i was away) they went out for dinner at popular restaurant. When I said "but you and dsd 2 went the other night" I was met with "yes but that's not fair on dsd1"! Despite the fact dsd1 had been at a friend's house..... Sorry I let it go cos it's not my place, this has just reminded me.
I have no advice, same age gaps here, can see it paying out exactly them same. The older is so immature and unconfident, the younger not affected at all. Wishing us all luck!

[thebluehen]

We are looking to take kids away for a few days at half term.

Dsd1 has had a weeks holiday with us, a weeks holiday with mum, a weeks holiday with her boyfriend, a weekend at a festival, a weeks expensive school holiday, a weekend camping with mum. All since March. She's working now and I can't see she would be allowed the time off without causing problems with her employer.

But dp was so worried about telling her. I fully expect her to want to come and then ignore us and refuse to join in, as usual.

She's 18, I just don't understand why she's so insecure. She has so much going for her but wastes her energy on trying to ensure no one has "more" than her.

So sad.

[robotroy]

This is really interesting. I also see a lack of confidence in SD and I do believe that it is as a result of picking up on the animosity. I think that leaves her lacking confidence as she worries she will add to the conflict or upset mum or dad. I think there's confusion when they hear opposing stories, we all grew up with no doubt as to trusting our parents. I also think that if I mum doesn't want her child visiting it is part of not wanting to let go and also this can lead to treating the child like a baby as they don't want them also to grow up. There's a fear the grown child will 'choose the other parent', so subconsciously does this lead to them suppressing the child's self belief in their decision making process. This is what I see but I imagine it could well have a range of effects. Of course all kids are different too so even in the same situation may react differently.

[thebluehen]

Someone wise said to me the other day that by teaching your child to hate their other parent, you are teaching them to hate half of themselves. I think this is very true. If you spend time criticising the other parent, you are damaging the child.

I also think there is much truth in what you say about not allowing kids to grow up to be independent, if they stay needy and immature, they're less likely to grow their wings and fly away.

My adult step daughter still asks her dad what he is doing to entertain her at the weekend.

It's frustrating as a step parent but it's also pretty sad to watch, as I genuinely care about her and want her to thrive just as I do my own children.