DSD rude to grandma

[MeridianB]

Sorry this is long - wanted to explain scenario...

My Mil is staying while looking after DSD (aged 10) for a week during summer hols. It's a huge help to us and DSD had been taken to lots of nice places and mostly they seem to have had fun.

However, Mil has told me and DH that DSD has been answering back and forgetting please and thank you at times this week. She never ever does this with us and DH has reminded DSD about good manners a few times.

Earlier in the week Mil bought her some pretty expensive shoes that DSD really wanted but subsequently DSD seemed totally blasé about them and how much they cost. I know many children don't understand money that well but she does - she saves avidly and spends very carefully, often shopping around for cheaper options online.

She has also been very 'shrug' about being taken out for nice days or restaurant lunches, although we don't do this all the time and DH has previously spoken to her about how eating out is a luxury and a special

When they were out yesterday and DSD wanted to buy something she went to the shop, picked it out and then just handed it to Mil. She was expecting it to be bought for her and Mil explained - as DH and I had done all this week- that DSD needs to take some (of her great piles of) spending money with her to buy things and cannot rely on everything being bought otherwise.

Mil buys item on promise of repayment at home. They get back and I hear this upstairs:

Mil - ah yes, you owe me £10 DSD
DSD (in unpleasant voice) - I have no idea what you're talking about
Mil - for the thing you bought, remember?
DSD - nope.

This goes on for a while then long conversation about DSD not having £10 but she has £5 and a few small coins. Then 'suddenly' remembers she has about £50 in notes, too and offers up a tenner.... Before demanding 1p back as item was £9.99.

She makes her gran get her purse and when Mil finds she only has a 5p coin and no pennies, offers to take that. When Mil says half-jokingly "ooh you're a bit mean", DSD replies in nasty voice: "you started it, asking for the money"

Later I had a chance to speak to Mil alone, mentioned what I had heard and asked if she was ok. She said she was surprised and disappointed with DSD's attitude and mentioned a few other examples from the week (though nothing as bad). I apologised to her and thanked her again for all her time and support but also suggested she tell DH about that day's episode later on.

She mentioned it very briefly once DSD was in bed but DH, apart from saying "I'd be very unhappy if DSD has been rude to you" did not follow up with more questions and Mil did not volunteer anything more. I thought I'd avoid saying anything as it was for mil and DH to discuss/resolve to their satisfaction. DH now says I should have gone upstairs and intervened (I can't win!).

DH spoke to DSD this morning briefly about 'a joke going too far over 1p' but not much more.

If she was my DD and not DSD my response would have been different but I feel my hands are tied. Just feel disappointed in her and sad for Mil.

Would be grateful for your thoughts please...

[expectantmum79]

DSD is old enough to know better. I have 11yr DS and 6 yr DSD, I have noticed if my own mum or myself buy anything DSD doesn't like/ has already she is incredibly spoiled and ungrateful.

I drummed it into my DS at an early age that if someone gives you something you already have/ don't like you smile and thank them. I remember my mum doing the same with me.

Somewhere along the line your DSD has missed this message. That could be down to a spoiled, materially grasping mother or simply because she gets too much (divorced parents are often guilty of this and it's easily done).

[expectantmum79]

And yes I often think "if she were my daughter" . . .

What would your DH say if you gave DD a stern telling off?

And sadly, no - you probably can't win.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

It is definitely up to her dad to sort this out.

I'd recommend no more gifts from MIL and yourselves until she starts to appreciate them.

[rosepetalsoup]

Hm yes my DSD is pretty spoilt - she's a nice kid and very polite but just doesn't realise that if we buy her something big it has cost us and noticeably lightened our pockets. Also it sounds like yours is starting teendom early. Make sure you've got some sanitary towels in the bathroom cupboard!!

[Elizabeth120914]

I've posted about this myself. Dsd won't dare do this with her dad but will have MIL and me in the past buying all sorts with little or no gratitude whatsoever. It generally comes from her mums attitude of we have plenty of money get what you can.. When she goes home she always asks what have you got this time..?

I used to find it quite upsetting as we would have what I thought was a lovely day and then it would be constantly what next after a day full of activities, meal out you name it or can I go home?!

DSD also has extensive pocket money which she won't part with..

I have never told her off like you say you won't win. I do however now not' treat'her to things in the same way as I used too OH doesn't either. MIL still goes in for lavish trips etc and ignores the fact there's little or no thanks which I think is sad.

Not sure what the answer is but we have explained till we are blue in the face that we have worked for the money etc but it makes no odds at all..!

[rosepetalsoup]

I think Elizabeth'd right, it's the attitude coming from the mum of 'they're loaded, push for them to buy you XYZ'. Or even 'make sure they get you lots of treats', without showing the Dc that the NRP household is a household like any other with limited funds.

Shudder. So glad I didn't have a mum like that.

[rosepetalsoup]

ps I also don't do the treats any more. It almost used to egg me on, DSD's blasé attitude. Like I wanted to keep searching to find the treat that would be good enough to make her finally break down with gratitude!!

[Elizabeth120914]

The crowning glory was I bought her McDonald's breakfast, drove her 120 mile round trip so she could ride my horse, walked 4 miles on foot while she did, took her out for lunch on the way back and bought some very expensive cupcakes for tea for us all that she wanted and the minute we got home she asked what time I was taking her home! No thank you, conversation nothing! That was the day I retired from trying to be super entertainer! Tbh I didn't begrudge the time or money just thank you or a level of satisfaction would have been nice!!!

[catsmother]

Yikes, what a nasty spoilt brat she's been. Your DH should have given her some sort of consequence for being so rude to her (by the sounds of it) very generous and patient grandma. It's not "just" a joke about the 1p, but what would bother me more than that was the fact your MIL was blatantly lied to - complete with attitude - about the fact SD had promised to repay her when they got home, which she then denied and which MIL had to persist in arguing about with her until she backed down.

Yes, of course he and/or MIL should have dealt with this - though I do understand MIL being reluctant to (though she'd have been quite within her rights) if SD's dad was at hand. Him saying that you should have intervened is a bit of a cop out IMO - not your job, (though again had you done so I wouldn't have blamed you), and I expect any intervention on your part would have backfired. It's all very well him saying this when the moment's passed. I'd really like to know how he justifies his daughter being so rude and dishonest and why, on this occasion, he felt that was apparently "trivial" enough not to warrant a very stern telling off, let alone some sort of punishment.

And really hope your MIL has no further intention of treating her for the remainder of her stay. That should be her punishment if nothing else - and if she questions why she's not getting taken to nice places, or for nice meals, or having stuff bought for her, that's when MIL and/or DH needs to explain that when generosity is taken for granted and effectively flung back in the face of the giver, the recipient can't expect things to continue as they were (unless there's a load of Disney-ing going on of course .... ).

[MeridianB]

Thanks for all the replies so far and the support.

The grabby thing is really disappointing and needs dealing with but the rudeness and arrogance has really shocked me and should have some consequences, as you say catsmother.

If I heard DSD being rude to someone else (who would not feel able to call her on it) then I would definitely step in if DH was not around but generally I agree it can be thankless task and backfire. In this instance DH was not around but I imagined he would have said something about Mil being able to stick up for herself.

DH is defensive about DSD (despite little need to be as she's generally well behaved) but usually uncompromising about manners. Him reducing all of this to 'a joke about 1p' is really inadequate and misses the point. He also failed to suggest that she apologise to her grandma, which I thought was a minimum.

DSD is being taken out for a big pre-arranged treat today as it's Mil's last day with her. It was Mil's decision about whether she still wanted to do that and I didn't feel it was appropriate to comment. But I told DH that if she was my DD she would not be going. He thought that was really harsh.

So it's a classic situation where ultimately if a parent disagrees with - or does not feel as strongly as- the stepparent then the latter has to back down.

[donkir]

I don't see why step parents are against telling off sc. Your house, your rules surely? I expect my dp to treat my ds the way I do if ds is in the wrong then he should get told off by myself or dp. My ds also has a sm and I should hope that if ds is rude or just down right ungrateful then she will put him in his place.
She's rude and ungrateful because nobody is telling her it's unacceptable and there are no consequences for her behaviour.

[MeridianB]

I do agree, donkir, but as you say, you expect your DP to treat your DS the way you do and in this case, my DH disagrees with me so I feel obliged to defer to his view.

Day to day, I have no problem speaking up over minor things and DH backs me up. On bigger issues, I feel I can make my view clear but that it may not prevail.

If DSD repeats this behaviour then I shall definitely have another talk with DH. What parent would want that sort of behaviour to continue?

It's really helpful to post on here and discover that I'm not over-reacting as DH sometimes makes feel I am!

[CountryGal13]

Hummm, I also wonder if this has anything to do with her mother... I remember taking my step daughter out for the day when she was 9. She was constantly hinting or asking for things and when I eventually said 'no' she said 'why does dad say he has no money and then take you out for a meal'. Not that it was any of her business but I worked full time and paid my way. Anyway, I knew that wasn't coming from a 9 year old she was just repeating what her mum had said.
I do think they become teenagers much earlier these days and it does sound like this could be part of the problem too.

[expectantmum79]

Definitely not over reacting. Do you have children of your own OP?

Proximity praise works well in the classroom and can work at home if not over used; if one of the children around the misbehaved one does something good I praise it and thank them.

Conversely, I remember many a time my mum giving me a 'fake telling off' as a child to make my friend aware of her behaviour and it worked.

[CountryGal13]

Hummm, I also wonder if this has anything to do with her mother... I remember taking my step daughter out for the day when she was 9. She was constantly hinting or asking for things and when I eventually said 'no' she said 'why does dad say he has no money and then take you out for a meal'. Not that it was any of her business but I worked full time and paid my way. Anyway, I knew that wasn't coming from a 9 year old she was just repeating what her mum had said.
I do think they become teenagers much earlier these days and it does sound like this could be part of the problem too.

[expectantmum79]

Countrygal13 I agree, I told my DSD that since she'd had her ears pierced we might find some lovely ear rings while we were shopping.

Her response was to point a finger and shout in my face ONLY GOLD!

Clearly this wasn't the child's words.

[Janey2468]

It's a classic case of the father not discipling his child (who doesn't live with him) the same as he would his children that live with him. I'm having a big issue with this at moment (and have done regurlarly) so much so that now my eldest daughter who lives with us is seeing the difference in how she and her step sister are reprimanded and it is very hard on her! But sadly, I think it is an incorrect but very common part of blended families!!

[yoyo27]

She is acting spoilt and it needs to be nipped in the bud, but in a nice way.!

Last Christmas, my DSD was crying as she didn't like what she got for Christmas, despite it being on her list! My children on the other hand were hugely appreciative of what they got, even if we had got it wrong!!!

[doziedoozie]

Sounds like selfish teenager to me.

Also I would say it is DMIL's place, with or without backing from DH, to sort this, unless DMIL is some weak wilting flower. All she needs to do is say firmly how disappointed she is with some of DSD's lack of gratitiude/politeness or something when they are out today. If she allows herself to be treated rudely it is her prob not yours, OP.

DSD maybe has some guilt that she is having such a good time with her DF's family rather than her DM's which results in this behavior.

[ChiefBillyNacho]

She's only 10 though so not a teenager. And described as a nice kid, so not exactly what I would consider a "spoilt brat", just one who needs a little guidance maybe. Which all children need.

I would also not be too quick to say it's mum's influence. My girls have easily worked out for themselves that their Dad bleats on about having no money, yet can buy his stepchildren or himself things. And if the op is finding that neither Dad or Gran are saying anything to correct her, how can that be mum's fault. If they have the opportunity to change things and don't then they are equally responsible for her behaviour.

In this situation I'd keep out of it other than just quietly expressing an opinion to your dp. Her DGM is the one to take it up with her if she is unhappy with her behaviour, or your dp. - otherwise you will be the bad guy who tells her off and they are the good guys who don't mind it.

[Primadonnagirl]

No you need to tackle this . Never mind she's your DSD it's the fact that she is being rude to an adult, you witnessed it and both you and your MIL are uncomfortable with it. If her behaviour goes unchallenged it won't improve. You did the right thing telling her father but it sounds like he's not going to do anything. Since this incident has passed I wouldn't say anything now , but next time.. Cos it will happen again... You say firmly ( in front of anyone else there) that this is unacceptable and why . She will strop but so what?! And you keep pulling her up,on it every time it happens.

[saintlyjimjams]

She's 10, and I have found attitude (in any child) often begins around then. Seems so early doesn't it? But years 5 and 6 are tricky years ime. You (as in someone in your household) needs to set clear boundaries - doesn't have to be done in a shouty way. I have sat down a few times with ds2 (12 now) over the last few years and explained why his attitude is not acceptable & what we expect. It works pretty well.

Tricky if your dh isn't on the ball with it though. I think in the case with the grandmother I would have intervened and told her she was being rude to someone who had been kind to her (although tbh if any of my children spoke to either of their grandmothers like that the grandparent response would be pretty blunt - especially if either grandfather overheard!)

I think it's more likely to be an age thing than the mother's influence. It does need picking up though or she'll learn to take take take from her father, or learn she can be a spoiled brat at dad's.

[MeridianB]

Thanks again for all your thoughts and input - much appreciated.

Update.... MIL has gone and DSD is at her mother's. So I had a long chat with DH about the general issue of us disagreeing over the approach to this and how it would work going forward. It was generally pretty constructive, even though the upshot was, as I predicted, that he may over-rule me at times. He also said he thought my views and standards were "Victorian". [hmmm]

What did surprise me is that he said he'd had a further discussion with his mum when I was not there and she told him "Oh it wasn't that bad, it's all fine" and she implied that I was over-reacting.

That was hard to hear. I'd understand if she wasn't bothered but she said to me she was. It's made me regret saying anything at all and I certainly won't be supporting Mil on any similar issues in future. Sigh.

[saintlyjimjams]

No, maybe leave them to it. Although I think she's wrong about you over-reacting!

[MeridianB]

Thanks saintly. That means a lot.