Not denigrating your step-child's mother

[StinkusMinkus]

Think I deserved the award for child-focused step-parenting this week.

My step daughter was in serious car accident with her mother and two year old brother, a head-on collision with a lorry. Thankfully everyone came away unharmed but her mother is now facing a drink driving charge!

Despite being exceedingly angry and completely scathing towards a parent who drinks in the afternoon and then hurtles down the motorway with two children in the car - I managed not to say this to my step-daughter. Only had a brief chat with her about how upset I was, and that I was very angry with her mother but that the people we love sometimes do things that aren't right, and that are not okay with us - but it's still okay to love them etc.

It's really hard when you have no respect for someone's choices to speak well of them to their children, but I remember how difficult I found it as a child with your conflicting loyalties where parents are concerned.

[purpleroses]

Well done you!

I've bitten my tongue on many occasions - hardest of all when DSC are slagging off their own DM, and genuinely feeling hurt by her, and I'm treading that really fine line between showing I understand what they're upset about and slagging her off myself.

Thankfully their gripes are usually pretty minor though - never had to deal with anything as stupid as drunk driving. And will also be looking a losing her licence. Hope that doesn't cause you too much of a headache. Guess you or your DP will be doing all the runs between houses :-(

[alita7]

wow that's awful! I can't imagine ever putting my kids or indeed even a random pedestrian at risk like that!


We also struggle with this, dsd was moved to us by ss last year and her mum repeatedly lead her to believe it was her fault (particularly in the few months after things coming to light before she was moved to us.) She was very happy to come to us, she was feeling increasingly unwelcome there and was desperate to leave, once a week or so before she was moved she cried her eyes out all the way back there and begged me not to take her there. usually she doesn't mention what went on, but very occasionally something will remind her and she will say that she had to move because she was naughty or something along those lines and we calmly say it wasn't you're fault, you did nothing wrong and we love you and want you to live with us.
If she brings up her mum any other time I usually smile and nod and change the subject, if she's just seen her I will ask her what she did and I will listen and move on. occasionally if she doesn't want to do something (maybe 3 times since she came here) she will try saying mummy didn't do x and while this does what she intends (her mums a very manipulative person, something she has picked up on and tries occasionally) which is to throw me off, I say something like well we don't do things like that here, we're doing y because bla bla bla.

I find with the older dsds who don't live with us most of the time their mum doesn't come up at all, but this easter we had to make it clear to them that we wanted to see them for longer but their mum had said no to anything outside normal contact times, without slating their mum, which was hard.

[balia]

That is terrible. You must be beside yourself. Fingers crossed she will get a good long ban and the kids will be safer (while it lasts).

DSS's mum's parenting style, lifestyle, everything really is so far from ours that it is hard not to criticise by accident, IYSWIM. Sometimes if we are talking about something like the importance of working hard or how it is wrong to steal I suddenly think oh God, probably the direct opposite of what his mum says and so it is like criticism...I end up saying something whiffley like 'everyone has their own opinion'. But that would be impossible in this case, what a nightmare.

[doziedoozie]

My DF was an alcoholic.

I could see he was a waste of space much of the time but I still wouldn't have welcomed someone else flagging that up, it really wouldn't have helped.

I have inherited his genes (hopefully the good ones but who knows) so I don't want to hear how crap he is thankyou, so I presume others feel the same about their parents whatever crap things they do.