End of my tether with DSD!!!!!

(63 Posts)
prawnypoos Tue 15-Apr-14 09:51:05

Hi all I have literally had to buy myself 10 minutes to come and write this as i am losing the will to live and need some none judgemental advice and support!!!My DP and I have been together for 3 years and I have known his daughter for 2 of them years. She is 4. myself and DP also have an 8 month old daughter. We live on a farm and at the moment we have 600 sheep lambing and around 100 calves calving so we are stupidly busy!! DP's daughterhas been with us for 4 days straight now as its the holidays and funnily enough her mother always seems to offload her onto us when shes not at school. She is so rude to me and her dad and anyone else for that matter, we are trying to run a farm but she is constantly putting herself in danger to get attention (she gets plenty of attention of her dad btw.) Everyone panders to her and I think that this is part of the problem. She keeps saying 'my mummy said that Isobel isnt my real sister and that my daddy isnt Isobels dad.' I know for a fact that this has come from her poisoned tongue mother as all of the way through my pregnancy she was ringing DP up crying because I was pregnant!!! She is very manipulative for a child of her age and will say things like 'my mummy loves me all of the time but you only love me sometimes' to her dad to get her own way and it works!! I have such a job to get any food into her. We eat a very healthy diet with plenty of fruit and veg. She says that she only eat crisps, chocolate, fish fingers and beans at home which I can only agree with as her mother is the size of a house end (sorry to get personal). There is just a total lack of respect and she isnt being taught. She wakes up at least2 times a night and refuses to go back to sleep unless her dad sleeps in bed with her (This stems for her mother having her in bed with her untill she was 2) Me and DP have been up at 5 every morning whilst the kids are still in bed to go outside in all weathers and work and when you have a child staying over 4 nights a week who wakes up so frequently its 10 times harder. If DP hugs me she will hit me and scream so that he hugs her instead. There is one hell of a lot more but I just dont have time to go into it right now, this is jus the tip of the iceberg, really struggling sad

Fairylea Mon 21-Apr-14 18:22:51

Excuse me for asking this but was your own daughter with him planned? I ask because you've said that he feels like his ex trapped him into pregnancy, that the pregnancy was unplanned. I'm wondering if a lot of the resentment from his ex and the subsequent parroting that seems to come from their dd is to do with this - the ex is angry that he effectively left her with a baby he never wanted and then went on to have a "wanted" one relatively quickly afterwards.

Maybe his behaviour towards his dd now reflects some sort of guilt on his part, trying to over compensate perhaps.

You sound like you're trying to do your best. 4 year olds are bloody hard work at the best of times regardless of whether you are the parent or the step parent.

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 18:34:45

No she wasn't planned. My ex wanted me to have an abortion because, and I quote he was worried about the impact it would have on DSD. Thank god we didn't is all I can say to that. My theory was that because he didn't love his ex when DSD was born he only had l

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 18:35:22

No she wasn't planned. My ex wanted me to have an abortion because, and I quote he was worried about the impact it would have on DSD. Thank god we didn't is all I can say to that. My theory was that because he didn't love his ex when DSD was born he only had love for dsd whereas it was different when DD was born. He per

prawnypoos Mon 21-Apr-14 18:36:44

No she wasn't planned. My ex wanted me to have an abortion because, and I quote he was worried about the impact it would have on DSD. Thank god we didn't is all I can say to that. My theory was that because he didn't love his ex when DSD was born he only had love for dsd whereas it was different when DD was born. He perp gaps felt pushed out because I couldn't give him as much attention which wouldn't have mattered with DSD as he didn't love her mother. Very badly explained there

LEMmingaround Mon 21-Apr-14 19:11:47

Im confused, your ex wanted you to have an abortion? How is your DP with your DD? I think he wanted you to have an abortion becaue of the affect it was going to have on HIM, to be fair. He sounds like a peice of work.

alita7 Mon 21-Apr-14 22:55:54

My honest opinion is that your dp needs to give everyone more attention and tlc! it sounds like you are spreading yourself too thin in every direction and he is maybe depressed - has that been looked into?

If dsd is lovely when dp isn't around then it's clear that she feels stable and secure with you as you are consistent. But when he is there she feels the need to compete, and actually you probably all are subconsciously competing - you want his attention as much as she does for you and dd and you want him to do some things in the house, even if it's just flushing the loo to start with.

If he is depressed you need to point it out then he needs to seek help, it's not an excuse to neglect your family life If you're not tying to help yourself.

You need to make a chores allocation chart and insist he sticks to it.

You need to leave him in a room with dsd and just walk out and go to the shops, so he has to give her time.
Try to stick to 7 or 8 o clock as her bed time and do some chores and watch a film together before going to bed yourselves.

I think some comments are unfair, if you have a problem it's the bad bits that you feel compelled to mention, having to list her good points so we don't think you hate her is just silly and Irrelevant to the topic. I assumed it was the behaviour you had a problem with and wanted advice on it. If you hated her you'd just want advice on how to keep her away from you.

prawnypoos Tue 22-Apr-14 11:27:07

Thank you alita. I think you are on the same page as me and know from a previous thread that your situation is very similar to mine. Today is the first day in a long time that it has rained so poor DP is outside on his own while I stay inside with the girls, the house is a tip and I thought I would finally get a day of doing some washing, hoovering etc but the power god have decided to turn the electric off from 10-12 this morning and no

prawnypoos Tue 22-Apr-14 11:29:07

Thank you alita. I think you are on the same page as me and know from a previous thread that your situation is very similar to mine. Today is the first day in a long time that it has rained so poor DP is outside on his own while I stay inside with the girls, the house is a tip and I thought I would finally get a day of doing some washing, hoovering etc but the power god have decided to turn the electric off from 10-12 this morning and no one bothered to tell me so not particularly impressed sad any way both girls very well behaved so far, touch wood and DD decided to start crawling this morning!! So the travel cot has gone up and she is sat happily playing away in there

MissMess Thu 24-Apr-14 22:22:42

She is only four. She might seem very big for you father your daughter was born, but four is ver, very, very tiny. She does not compete with you or your daughter, and what you call manipulative is just a snapshot of her reading her own world. Don´t read any grown up stuff into it.

Show her understanding, make her feel safe, and the so called bad behavior will go away after a while. In the nicest way, ou sound very protective about your DD, possessive of her father and negative about her mother. The girl will pick up on that.

As both a farmer, step-child and mother I would recommend you to ease up, and give her a lovely time at the farm the four days she has been "unloaded" there. A farm can be a magnificent place for a child. Let it be so for her as well, without all this negativity around her.

prawnypoos Fri 25-Apr-14 07:04:14

Not possessive of her father!! Intact he is more possessive over me. And it isn't just four days she has been here all holidays and is going back on Sunday night. I never say anything untoward about her mother in front of her and as I have stated about 10 times before in this post I know it isn't her fault. The manipulation comes from her mother and she has no other example to follow. My DP doesn't discipline her but is happy for me to take up the child care. It won't just go away. I am good with her as I understand she is still tiny, but if we can't handle her now how will we handle her when she's older and in her teens? She doesn't like DP holding DD and I know that's natural. We have made sure that she was always centre of attention even after DD was born. And there is definitely something amiss with regards to DD and DP's relationship and of course that is a worry for me! What parent wouldn't be worried???

alita7 Fri 25-Apr-14 09:22:22

I think 4 year olds are quite capable of being manipulative... even if it is a learned behaviour.
many are much more intelligent than they are given credit for.
I don't know if it was this thread or another but I've mentioned my cousin before, she's 4, and Is incredibly socially clever, she has been manipulating since she was about 2. It started with crocodile tears if she wanted something and these days she will get all the kids she plays with to do exactly what she wants, but she isn't just bossy, she learns all about them so she can manipulate. When she sees me she will try to get me to play with her if I'm playing with her brother by jumping all over my brother, giving him kisses and saying look alita :p and knowing her parents I don't think she's learnt it off them!

prawnypoos Fri 25-Apr-14 12:30:50

DSD is incredibly clever for her age. A very bright little girl. They know how to manipulate at that age, from being tiny babies they know how to manipulate. And she said to me "if mummy doesn't buy me my magazine I cry like this (fake cry) and she buys me it' to be fair her fake cry does sound a lot like a real cry the only way I can tell is if there are tears!!

alita7 Fri 25-Apr-14 15:34:22

haha prawny, dsd was caught practicing her crying face for mummy in the mirror at about 7 :p

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