Questioning my own values(9 Posts)
Hi I'm new here and quite wary of posting as have been on another similar site and found some people to be very judgemental but really looking for some support so here goes and sorry for the long post!
My DD is 13 weeks old and she is my first and I absolutely adore being a mum. I live with my OH of 3 years and we have his 6 year old daughter eow and have done for the past 2 years. She and I get on great and since birth of DD she hangs in my every word, is helpful and adores her little sister. My problem is my OH and his lack of boundary setting with her; I've seen people use the term Disney dad on here and it is so apt! dsd has recently moved house with his ex for the 4th time in her life and is adjusting to her mum being with a new partner and his 2 kids plus her elder siblings being teenagers and not being as involved at home anymore and so naturally when she is here she is clingy with her dad and also me to be fair. The biggest point of contention when she is here is her wanting him to sleep in her bed or get in with us; when I have been away for the night in the past or he takes her to his mums for a visit, they always sleep in the same bed..I am not suggesting anything sinister but I just don't know how healthy it is. I didn't sleep in my parents bed when I was younger- yes we had cuddles but I was always put back in my own bed and I just think as she has her own bed, she should be in it. I'm questioning my own beliefs here as he makes me feel that I am in the wrong for asking her to go back to her own bed...we have no intimacy as it is ( I have no sex drive it would seem!) but feel we have even less chance of this happening with a 6 year old in the bed. I am feeling really low about it all really, any support or advice gratefully received
Excuse the brief comment, pushed for time but wanted to offer support- I don't think there is anything wrong in putting 6yo in her own bed, not at all. I find it a massive invasion if ever my youngest SS tries to join us in bed, it feels like my only sanctuary!
Explain the importance to your OH. Good luck x
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I think this is a difficult one. You are not wrong to want your DSD to sleep in her own bed, but your OH is not wrong to want to allow her to sleep in with him/you. She is obviously dealing with a lot at the moment, with her Mum moving, as well as your DD's arrival, and it is not surprising that she is being clingy and wanting extra comfort.
If you feel able to put up with it for a while, then I would, but either way I think you need to have a calm discussion with your OH about it, and decide between you how you will deal with it.
Thank you for the advice, I know we need to talk and obviously I don't want dsd to feel pushed away as she has so much going on at the moment and she and I have had a good chat about knocking on doors before coming in and what is private etc. It's more OH instigating sleeping in her bed or staying there for a few hours when she's already asleep
So he is as clingy as she is then? I can understand him sleeping with her to settle her but for him to instigate that or to stay once she is asleep is a bit strange. Shouldn't he be spending that time with you and dd.
I personally don't agree with dc sleeping with adults like this. Each to their own of course, but imo my bed is my (and DPs) personal space and I don't want dc in there with me. But thats just me and I have taken a pasting on here for that in the past.
So it's your OH who instigates these sleeping arrangements? To be honest that sounds a but unhealthy - not in a sinister way, but emotionally unhealthy.
Poor little girl...but that said, I do think that sleeping in her own bed is the right thing for her. When we have my DP's DC staying, his youngest DD (6), would probably quite like to sneak in to our bed in the middle of the night, but my DP is quite firm about her staying in her bed, till reasonable morning time and then she can come for cuddles in our bed.
I imagine she is very insecure at the moment, but I think there might be other ways of reassuring her, rather than bed sharing. What about doing something lovely in her bedroom (if this is possible), so she feels a sense of permanence and safety there. Making a photo collage of you all as a family or something like that?
Good luck with this.
Thank you LO that sounds like a really nice idea!
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