A step mother's place is in the wrong. Discuss

(15 Posts)

That's it. Don't get me started, or you'll still be reading tonight.

<SCREAM>

onlysettleforbutterflies Thu 15-Aug-13 10:32:58

I hear you! It's a hard role. Hope you're ok.

are you okay knitting? I think all of us feel like that at times

OnTheNingNangNong Thu 15-Aug-13 10:37:59

I hear you. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

brdgrl Thu 15-Aug-13 10:44:19

I think Marge on the Simpsons is actually the kids' stepmother:
"It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the outside that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you. And happiness will follow."

And then there's Bart: "Gotcha. Can't win, don't try."

Bloody holidays, bloody dss' mum. Sch broke up on a wed, I had dss thurs and fri because she was working.

We go away tomorrow 5am. Dss was expected this morning, gave him a day to settle down (usually get fireworks for first 48h as he readjusts to being one of many). He will arrive this evening. Along with his school uniform which I am supposed to sort and make sure he has enough for the next year, replace and supply 2 full sets back to his mum. Apparently it's still her 3 weeks. He's at his nan's. <raised eyebrow>

Now we will have the settling in while we are travelling. DON'T EVEN GO THERE!!!!!! Alternative bickering and silly. Plus <according to dsd> he has been particularly challenging these last couple of weeks at his mum's. Fucking joy.

And then I drop the bombshell that next academic year I cannot take him to tramps on Mondays. DD1 is starting church choir and I want to take her. I cannot do both, and taking him this last year has had a negative impact on my ability to meet the other 3's needs fully. FFS, it was a favour to her, as Mon is her nights. It's not even a bombshell as far as I'm concerned, I've told dp several times, but dp being laid back dp has chosen to not listen, and now is probably thinking I've said it to retaliate.

I have made an active decision to try to manage my stress, I have XH being a pillock, I'm dealing with CAMHS and SS, one half willingly, t'other because xh being making malicious allegations again, and I DON'T WANT OR NEED THIS STRESS.

OK, rant over. Kettle on, coffee made. Tongue burnt. Off to pack another case, and admire ds' railway that is the lenght of the landing <he got friend over. For Ds this is big progress>

And of course it's all my fault. For being awkward, and highlighting problems.

bollocks to being awkward it sounds like your trying to please everyone and something has got to give!. get your coffee, have a chill. make sure your cases are packed and just think, this too shall pass. i see why you are making the changes you are and so should your partner and dscs mum. yes you love your stepchildren and want to do the best you can for them but not at the expense of your own child and that is totally understandable

needaholidaynow Thu 15-Aug-13 13:57:13

Knitting You shouldn't have to explain yourself as to why you cannot take your DSS on a Monday evening anymore! Your DD is obviously your top priority because she's your daughter. You want to experience these things with her and see her achievements, it's all very sentimental to you. Completely understandable. You both shouldn't have to miss out on sharing that experience together for anything, not even your DSS and his mum.

Bottom line: Your DSS isn't your responsibility. You're his stepmum and you're not obliged to do anything you don't want to do, especially at your own children's expense!

Sounds harsh, but you don't want to have regrets when your children are older, and wish you'd have taken them to church, football, swimming, dancing etc.. at such and such an age. But you never did because you "had" to take your stepson to his activities instead. Just a recipe for resentment and I wouldn't stand for it, which is why I have never committed to taking DsD dancing every Saturday.

wrinklyraisin Thu 15-Aug-13 13:59:41

I hear you. It's tough! I took my dsd to the dentist (first time in 2yrs) as her mum (who doesn't work!) didn't want to drive her for 20 minutes and then watch her suffer at the dentist. I "volunteered" as my OH has no vacation time left at work after an enforced week off after he crashed his car, during which my dsd was sent to us as he was "off work" and therefore she needed a break. Didn't matter that he was stuff, sore, recovering from a car crash AND had just had a night in a and e!!!! So I took time off myself to look after them both.

It drives me nuts that we are expected to play the maternal role yet we are never really allowed to voice our frustrations about anything.

So you have my sympathy op.

needaholidaynow Thu 15-Aug-13 14:13:02

It drives me nuts that we are expected to play the maternal role yet we are never really allowed to voice our frustrations about anything.

I hear you! That's precisely why I don't willingly do anything such as your example wrinklyraisin re going to the dentist or pick DsD up from school on her mum's night, or even take her to her dancing lessons because DS1 does swimming.

bigredbaboonsbottom Thu 15-Aug-13 15:42:00

Couldn't agree more Ready.

If you connect with the DSC then you're wrong because you're interfering, if you don't then you're wrong because you don't care enough.

But heaven forbid you have an opinion on anything. Doesn't matter what it is, you'll be in the wrong.

I've given up because I no longer know what is acceptable and I'm sick of being the bad person.

You have my sympathy Ready, as you've obviously bent over backwards to help everyone concerned.

Bit calmer now. Got coffee, beginning to look like I've packed. Need to collect ds' tablets from the pharmacy, go get some yarn for me and sort out some sticks.

I totally despair wrt the tramps. Dp text earlier, he's sorted out the childminder to have him. I will be grumped at, but not a leg to stand on, as he was the one at dd2's parents evening listening to how she needs to read more at home. Funny that. It's that he's done it, and yet again she can get on with her Very Important Job.

But really, I pick my battles, and that's not one.

We really are in the wrong whichever way we fo things. Dsd has mentioned how my name is mud generally at his mum's. Ah well, never mind grin

I take ds to band practice each week, and I'm really looking forward to doing the same with dd1, which is why Dp's suggestion that he takes her wouldn't have worked. Selfish, maybe, but it's been beneficial for ds, and with hindsight, where dss has just had a year with very few football matches , the same is said for dss. Just that parent taking only that child. Especially in a large busy family.

More coffee and then hunt the suncream.

okfantastic Sat 31-Aug-13 19:27:30

You sound like lovely step mums... My little one's SM doesn't appear interested in the slightest! They're lucky to have you!

louby44 Sat 31-Aug-13 19:49:17

Hopefully when all these children become adults (and become parents themselves) they will understand what we as step-mums did, put up with, sacrificed etc etc....until then we just have to keep going!

NatashaBee Sat 31-Aug-13 19:57:39

Yup, agree with you wholeheartedly OP!

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