DSS1 rules us all

[SlugBotherer]

My DP has two teenage boys, they're lovely lads and I get on with them great. They're 16 and 17 years old but the youngest has learning disability and is much younger mentally. For this reason it seems that his needs and wants always seem to come second to his elder brother and it's doing my head in. Ever since DP and I moved in together we have kind of been ruled by DSS1 - if ever we plan anything it gets cancelled if DSS1 texts and asks for a favour. Like we arrange to go out for a meal but DSS1 texts and asks DP to pick him up from an hour away that same night - he'll go and not think twice about it. DSS1 decides what happens on a weekend - like one weekend he text saying "I fancy going to tonight" and DP agrees - despite the fact that we'd earlier decided to go to the cinema.

Even when it was DSS2's 16th birthday the day was centred around keeping DSS1 happy and going to the place he wanted to go.

A few weeks ago DSS1 asked DP if he could bring his girlfriend over on that access weekend. This meant that DP would have to drive an hour out to pick her up, an hour back - we'd have to pay for her to come to cinema with us (adult prices on a saturday night, not cheap) and poor DSS1 was going to be kicked out of the bedroom they share and made to sleep in the dining room!! how is that even fair yet DP said I was out of order for saying no.

The latest is that DSS1 decided he wanted to go camping next weekend. So that was that - DP arranged with the family that we'd all go camping next weekend. My DS and DSS2 is quite excited about it. So on saturday dp goes to pick up his kids for access weekend only to be told that DSS1 had gone away camping with his girlfriend and would not be coming this weekend - didn't even bother to tell DP that he wouldn't be coming. Not a word, just let him turn up and find out from his mother. So anyway, DSS2 came and we had a lovely weekend - and I mentioned next weeks camping trip and DP said "oh I don't know if that will be happening now as DS1 might not want to go if he's camping this weekend" - what about the rest of us????

Another issue is that everytime we take the kids on a good trip out, DSS1 wants his girlfriend to come too meaning there is not enough room in the car for me and DS so we have to travel separately in my car!! Shouldn't it be that she can come if there is room in the car after the family are in rather than she comes along regardless and me and Ds make our way there separately?


Am I being unfair?

[UC]

No. Your DP is favouring one son above the other, and above you and DS. I would go camping next weekend with or without him if I were you, and you, DS and DSS 2 want to go.

DSS1 sounds rather entitled to me - but he's been taught to be that way.

[SlugBotherer]

The thing is DSS1 is actually a really nice lad. He's always very polite and pleasant - but I think he's just cottoning on to the fact that DP will do anything to keep him sweet.

What DP seems to be failing to realise is that at 17 (almost 18) his son will naturally start making his own plans on a weekend. That's how it is, even with 'normal' families it's rare that an 18 year old will want to be involved in seaside/cinema trips with the rest of the family. So why not let him grow up naturally instead of insisting on these rigid weekend contact dates? I can only imagine how my own 14 year old would react if I insisted that he take part in everything the rest of the family do on a weekend - he'd be mortified. He wants his independance and so surely, an 18 year old will be craving it. It's more DP thats the problem than DSS1, I know.

[Bonsoir]

The problem is your pushover DP who does everything DSS1 asks. Don't blame DSS1. You must explain to him that everyone in the family matters and one DC must not be favoured over everyone else.

[catsmother]

I wonder why DP favours the oldest boy so much ? Well .... based on my own experience, and that of many other stepmums whose stories I've read, I'd say that your DP is almost certainly bending over backwards and tying himself (and the rest of the family too, though they get no choice) in knots in order to prolong his time with DSS1 before, as you quite rightly point out, he flies the nest good and proper. Of course it's natural that older teens want to be more independent and not tied to family stuff - but so many non res dads seem to have a very hard job accepting this and letting it happen naturally. And so far as your DP's concerned, there probably isn't the same urgency to "cling on" to DSS2 if he's so much less emotionally mature as it's less likely he's going to "abandon" his dad any time soon.

Obviously, most 17 year olds with a parent who'll do their every bidding probably aren't going to turn round and say "hold on dad, what about my brother, what about Slug etc ?" are they .... they'd just be happy that they get their own way all the time and probably wouldn't give it too much in depth thought - though I'm sure deep down, and especially if, as you say, DSS1 is a nice lad, he must know things are skewed in his favour. However, the temptation to have dad wrapped round your finger is probably very hard to resist, and although at his age, I think it's not entirely unreasonable to expect him to show at least some thought for everyone else in what he asks for the main blame for this situation must lie with your DP.

Regardless of his fear about "losing" DSS1 as he gets more independent, DP should not be able to unilaterally do stuff which affects you without discussing and agreeing it first. Generally speaking, emergencies excepted, prior arrangements shouldn't be cancelled unless you agree to that too - and if DSS1 no longer wants to join in with something already arranged, then he's old enough to do his own thing. Similarly, the girlfriend certainly shouldn't be taking priority over the rest of the family on a regular basis ..... sure, I can understand DSS1 wants her along, and I think it's fair enough that she's sometimes included ..... but if this causes additional expense you can't really afford, and/or inconvenience, then again, this should be negotiated and shouldn't be taken as given. I actually think your DP is being massively disrespectful in the way his arguably selfish decisions affect you - family time should first and foremost be agreed by the adults involved, who then decide how much choice (if any) to offer the children regarding proceedings. And it's bloody irresponsible and very thoughtless to set up the younger kids for a fall by promising them an exciting time out and/or away only to withdraw that offer at the last moment for no good reason. How on earth does he justify that - let alone the wider picture - to himself ?

[Bonsoir]

IME DC often play out the roles assigned to them by their parents well into adulthood. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the OP's DSS1 is blissfully unaware of his favoured status.

[brdgrl]

We've had a similar problem in our household. DSD (older) always called the tune, and DSS had far less say in anything. Along with this, DSD was allowed to 'play' at being an adult (I mean that she was given a lot of adult privileges without any corresponding responsibilities or even any real guidance), and encouraged to boss DSS around quite a bit. DSS - who is a bit young for his age anyway - was further infantalised by this state of affairs, and now that he is an older teenager, we are finding it a real effort to straighten it out. DSD also just has a stronger personality and tends to dominate things...she was for a long time seen as the 'bright' one simply because of her confidence and her desire to impress the adults around her. DSS is coming out of her shadow now and it is a very good thing, but difficult too...and the kids tend to lapse back into old roles very easily.

I wonder how much your younger DSS is aware of the difference? Sadly, in our case, DSS does notice and concludes from it that he is less important and less favoured by dad. It took him a long time to express this, though, I think it was just so ingrained....and it came as a shock (somehow!) to DH, who genuinely never meant to convey that. :(

I guess you already know this...but it is really important that your DH start to turn this around while he still has the boys at home, or it could really affect his long-term relationship with younger DSS, and the relationship between the boys...DSS 2 may seem like he is 'fine' with things as they are, just because it is how things have always been and has become 'natural' to everyone...but I have seen how much resentment it can create, too.

[SlugBotherer]

It's literally just happened again.

We arranged for DP to go and get some keys cut after work and try and get home as early as pos because the washing machine has gone tits up and flooded the kitchen. I'm at work all day tomorow and wednesday so really need the washing machine fixed as quick as pos so i can get stuff done (by at work all day I mean literally ALL DAY - from 7am until 8pm).

So - plan was he'd be home for 4.45.

Then DSS1 sends a text "would it be possible for you to pick me up from girlfriends house asap please". Girlfriend lives an hour away - DSS1 lives an hour and a half away - so DP has agreed to drive all the way up to this girls house and then all the way back to DSS1s house which will then take him 45 minutes to get back from there.

As if you just suddenly tell someone you need picking up ASAP last minute when there is so much distance involved - never mind the petrol, the fact that he's been at work all day or the fact that we had plans -

So dp has just text me letting me know the new plans and asking if he should bother getting the keys cut or not. Lets just leave it shall we?

[stepmooster]

Slugbotherer, have you discussed this with DH at all? Does he know what he is doing? I've had a similar discussion with my DH and now he is aware of it, and willing to change his behaviour I am much more able to say, "Err, no! we have plans/this needs doing/" etc etc.
And basically I just don't give in, or I leave DH to deal with the consequences.

[SlugBotherer]

Yeah I tried and it caused a big argument.

A few months ago DP and I had made plans to spend Saturday afternoon together. He was working all morning and I wouldn't see him Saturday night or all day Sunday. So this Saturday afternoon meant a lot to me. He knew this.

Friday night DSs1 text DP saying "can you pick me up from girlfriends house at 12pm please :-) " and DP text back immediately "yes of course :-)"

I said "errr we're supposed to be going out??!" and he said "HE'S MY SON AND IF HE NEEDS ME I'LL BE THERE, THAT'S HOW IT IS!!!" and so I just went off and ignored him and he said "I know you're upset with me now but if my son needs me he comes first."

He didn't even apologise for cancelling our plans!! he didn't even suggest "ok I have to pick DS up so do you mind if he comes with us saturday afternoon?"

No it was a simple - "oh well, not doing that now and DS wants me."

[catsmother]

This is ridiculous - he's doing DSS1 no favours at all (I'm sure you know this already) as he needs to learn how to become independent - or will daddy still be literally dropping everything else when the boy is 35 ?!?

DSS1 shouldn't be going to girlfriend's house unless he has a plan for getting back .... presumably he got there under his own steam ? But of course I guess your DP is the plan as DSS knows he won't refuse, and far more comfortable/convenient/cheaper than walking/public transport and/or cycling. If I've read correctly tonight's foray will have DP driving for more than 3 hours ??? If so, that could be 150 miles in total - so not cheap. It's one thing perhaps to ask for such a favour if everyone concerned is reasonably local but that's crazy when it's not a special occasion or anything. And where is DSS's mum in all this - surely she lives closer to the GF and wouldn't have so much of a journey (mind you, perhaps she thinks DSS should make his own way too).

I really don't know what to suggest - and can only think perhaps of counselling because the way your DP's behaving is beyond normal and his definition of his son "needing" him is pathetic - and a sly attempt at emotional blackmail to shut you up - as in, how dare you be a wicked stepmother and complain when his son "needs" him (notwithstanding what "need" actually means). To my mind, a 17 year old in need would be missing the last bus/train home - or hurting himself ..... not providing a bespoke and free long distance taxi service on demand. I really would like to hear your DP justify his stance to a trained 3rd party because I can't think of any justification for the way he goes on - and it really is contemptuous to drop your plans, when DSS's "needs" are far from being an emergency.

[Bonsoir]

I think you should show your DP this thread because you have had some good and very clear advice.

[Mindyourownbusiness]

Agree this is ridiculous and is a sadly all too familiar mantra in our household too but with the younger adult ss who is very immature for his age. Thankfully he has left home now finally but still we have the odd blips where he manages to somehow grab the baton of our weekend and run off with it with daddy happily in hot pursuit.

This weekend prime example. DH and I only get weekends to ourselves so also 'precious' to us. So we usually make plans to make the most of them and try and save at least one half day to ourselves where we are not visiting relatives or having them visit us. This weekend that half day was Sunday. So we planned to go out for something to eat - lovely day so in our old convertible (two seater) rare chance to have lid down - and also to go to nearby town as we both desperately need some clothes shopping. DH is one man on planet btw who likes clothes shopping .

Then DSS2 rings his dad about lunchtime and l can hear DH saying 'yeah, ok' etc and I think 'ere we go, then'. DH doesn't tell me what he wanted but starts acting less enthusiastically and a little vague and evasive about our plans which up to that second had been definite.

So l finally crack and ask him and apparently DSS wants him to pick him up and drive him to pick up his new bike at 4pm so he can ride it home (it wont fit in boot of DSSs car). So I says ok but this means we will have to come back from shops earlier (only got till 4 on a Sunday anyway obv.) and means we can forget going in the two seater and will have to go in our old banger 'normal' car to accommodate all three of us obv.

But oh no !! DH intends now to forget getting any clothes for himself today and to drive us into town to get what clothes I need only (also he's suddenly 'not bothered' about eating out) then rush drive me home by 3pm and then drive 5 miles to get SS2 in order to drive him less than 2 miles to bike shop, (he lives on a main multi bus route to this place btw) wait around with him while bike is sorted out ready to be ridden home by DSS2.

So I say no we can go in 'normal' car so we can go straight from town for DSS2 (much less mileage that way) so we'll have much more time to still have lunch etc , and time to shop for both of us - drop him off at bike shop (DH really doesnt need to helicopter over his bike collection - he's an adult ffs) ) then we drive home. That would only interrupt our 'day' by about half an hour.

So DH says dejectedly - 'Ahh - I wanted to pick up DSS"sname in the convertible to go for his bike , with the lid down as it's a nice day - he'd like that'

Just fuck the fuck off ok It's ok - I'll take an early bath on our quarter half day out so that fucking Golden Child can have the 'open top little cruise with daddy' experience.

OP I feel your pain. You do really need to have it out in front of someone else who will basically pull your DHs stance to pieces. As others have wisely said.

[Mindyourownbusiness]

Oh sorry - and you know what the anger is about OP when you challenged him and he shouted you down (well I presume with use of capitals) - that's embarrassment - my DH does same, just shoots me down in flames in such a way there can be no further discussion. Trust me it's because they know they are wrong, so cant afford to get drawn into an intelligent argument about it.

[theredhen]

Yes agree about the shouting down or walking away or minimising of the situation. All done to try and stop you having a sensible rational conversation because he knows he hasn't got an argument!

[whitesugar]

Warning mums slug has 4 other threads on going which are totally delusional. Two show scant regard for DS who is suffering massively at hands of EA partner. Check relationships & aibu. If these posts are legitimate she needs serious help. It could all be totally made up. Advice from myself and other mums is ltb but then she switches madly. If she is legitimate she is neglecting her DS. Be warned

[Mindyourownbusiness]

whitesugar I have looked up the other threads and agree it is a little odd and misleading to keep starting threads on same subject, without saying 'I've posted about this before but...' etc - but where does it suggest OP is neglecting her son - I don't see where she has said anything that would suggest that on the four threads I have skimmed through.

[brdgrl]

No, neither do I.
It appears that there is more back story than just these four threads - but I can't see a problem with OP posting here for advice on the specific issue?
Sometimes the "rest of us" say LTB, and the poster chooses not to take that advice. I can't see how things here would operate if we the.n refused to give any more support.

[Mindyourownbusiness]

Yes Brdgrl and the OPs stories are consistent so have no reason to think she hasn't really got these problems she needs help/support with.

Sorry OP if you still around, talking about you in the third person an all.,