Problems with b/f and stepson

[Jan45]

Been with b/f for over 10yrs, son came to live with us in 2006, nothing but problems, issues from day one, nearly had a breakdown with the frustrations of trying to do the right thing by this boy but seemingly getting no thanks or anywhere in doing so=b/f and ss moving out of home, kept a relationship with bf. Fast forward to day, asked b/f and ss to move in with me and let's try again, it's been four months and already I feel I've made a mistake. SS doesn't wash, appears to sleep all day and is up all night. B/F does nothing about any of this. Eventually about to burst I raise these concerns with B/F=a huge argument where I am told to butt out of him raising his son. Agreed I would keep out, now 7 weeks since then I am about to burst again, ss goes nowhere near the shower, lies in bed all day and is up all night so nothing changes. I've really tried to ignore it, pretend it's none of my business but I just seem unable to do this. I don't want to see his son wasting his life away in a bedroom, doing nothing but play video games, I also don't want to share my home with someone who thinks washing is not for him. I am also wondering if it's time to call it a day with b/f as clearly my opinion counts for nothing, plus I can't get my head around him thinking his son being like this is somehow ok, it all feels completely abnormal to me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I love my b/f very much but feel so resentful towards him right now. And lastly, son is very pleasant, polite boy with good manners so other than this I don't find him unlikeable but this not washing is putting me right off.

[flurp]

How old is he?
I wouldn't put up with that either.
Tbh I wouldn't have asked him to come back

[LemonBreeland]

How old is SS? I'm assuming teenager.

I couldn't live like that either. When you asked them to live with you again did you not know how SS lives? Had you not seen him at bfs?

I would think that if your bf doesn't care about your opinion and doesn't see a problem withthe way his son is living, then it is unlikely that your relationship can last.

[Jan45]

He's 17, 18 end of this year. I visited b/f on occasions so it was hard to get a true handle on their lives together.

I am waiting on the right moment to speak to my b/f about this, I hate to feel I can't say what I think, I'm normally pretty opinionated.

It frustrates me too to think we might have to end our relationship over this, it shouldn't be, I don't think i am being unreasonable. Saying that a lot of friends have said they think I should keep out of it and that it's not my business but I know I can't stay quiet any longer.

I'm also resentful that my b/f thinks it's all resolved when it isn't!

[MorningHasBroken]

You sound like you are on fairly good terms with your stepson (you say he's a pleasant, polite boy), could you not just have an informal chat with him yourself about hygiene and washing enough? my 14 yr old ss tries to get away without showering and I just take the mickey out of him for being smelly. No big argument about it. Perhaps also broach the fact that he must get bored playing video games all the time, perhaps you could offer to help him find a hobby, or a part time job so he had more money to go out with friends?

[LemonBreeland]

I think your friends are wrong saying that you should stay out of it completely. If someone is living in your house then you are allowed to have a say in how that person is living, especially if it is in filth.

How long were you living apart?

[Jan45]

Pretty much all family and friends have said I shud keep out. He doesn't live in filth, I ensure his bed covers and clothes are washed regularly and tbh I haven't noticed any bad smells but I can see that he is not showering AT ALL so I'm sure the smell will become more apparent as time goes on. I've seen him take 2 showers in the 4 months they've been here, when it was brought up I told him as did the b/f that he needs to shower regularly, nothing has happened on that score so far. I feel it's my b/f's job to speak to him, he's male and I don't really want to be doing someone else's job! The sleeping all day and up all night I can just about tolerate as I work full time so I'm out all day and sleeping at night but I can't help wondering, is this his life for the rest of his life and does that mean at 40 he'll still be dossing with us???!!!! It scares me a bit.

We lived apart for 3.5 years and managed to sustain a relationship so I felt it was time to give it one last shot, this is the only issue I have, everything is else good and yes the boy is a nice chap all together.

[LemonBreeland]

I don't understand how your partner can let his son live like that. I assume he is not studying or working. Is he not being encouraged to look for work?

[Jan45]

They seem to have very little communication between them and never a cross word so they both seem happy so I'm left feeling that I am somehow causing trouble by bringing this up!

When I did, they both closed ranks and basically pretended that the son does go to work placement and gets paid £55 a week but there's no way this can be true as I leave house at 9am for work and ss always in bed, when I come home at night he's either sleeping or walking about in his dressing gown! Funny work placement that.

I am going to speak to b/f and if it can't be resolved then I think it's time I asked them to go, I really hope it doesn't come to that.

I actually told ss bout a job I saw that I thought he would be interested in, offered to help with his CV etc but he said he will go and enquire today about it, I very much doubt he does as I could hear his TV at 4 this morning!

Very frustrating situation to be in.

[purpleroses]

If he doesn't actually smell, I'd stay out of the showering issue.

But you're saying that your BF and SS both lie about him going on a work placement? That's really odd behaviour. Complete failure of your BF to parent him properly I'd say.

[Jan45]

He doesn't smell yet, so do I wait until he stinks out the house????

I think he's going to some kind of drop in place for unemployed teenagers, how this transferred into work placement etc I will never know, they're clearly not telling the truth and tbh, I wonder why I care.

[colditz]

Woah. Move out! There is no way I could live with a person who won't shower, I did that with my ex, never again! I'm already training my boys in the art of "pits and bits", this isn't going to be my boys in 10 years time!

[Jan45]

They'd have to move out, it's my place, I bought it after we split years before. I am definitely going to lay it on the table, he either washes or we've got a serious problem. As for the dossing about etc, for now, I can just about tolerate that as I do feel this does not affect me.

[Fairy130389]

I might be completely misguided... but he is a teenager. It kind of sounds like normal teenager behaviour to me...

The bigger issue is that as his father, your dp should be having a man to man chat right now, if ss chooses to ignore that, fine (I expect that will change when a gf turns up) but he should at least be talking to him about it...

I don't think you should throw your relationship away over this. He is a 17 year old boy, he will understand soon enough the importance of showering and he will (hopefully!) grow out of the x box stage...

I think perhaps there is a deeper issue here that is making you feel that asking them to leave is the only option... or have I missed the point?