Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

DSS has come to live with us!

15 replies

Lostinsuffolk · 12/01/2013 11:36

This is more of a search for others in the same situation really than advice.

Our DSS (nearly 14yrs) has come to live with us after breakdown in relationship with his BM. Lots of constant shouting n stressful environment at BMs combined with high volume of new boyfriends, put the lid on it for DSS really. He asked to move out. DSD is still with BM. Anyone got similar situations as to how this works for you more around dealing with feelings of abandonment by the sister as brother has gone?

I think it's going ok right now and give lots of reassurance to her that nothing will change as they're still together EOW, but sister is worried that BMs frosty behaviour towards DSS will get directed at her Now he's gone. School is aware of situation n watching DSD like a hawk. Is it inevitable that DSD will end up here too in time?

I should say i'm totally cool with SC coming here, have a great relationship with the kids, but wonder what others have experienced?

Any advice/ comments welcomed.

OP posts:

Report

NotALondoner · 12/01/2013 15:04

BM? What's that?

Report

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/01/2013 15:07

Birth Mother.

Report

scrumpkin · 12/01/2013 15:13

We have had my dsd's live with us for 7 years now. They came to us aged 3&7 when their mother moved away and they didn't fit into her new lifestyle.

They were different ages than your dss but it's had it's hard times. The abandonment issues arrive when she contacts them out of the blue (rarely).

Ill write more later as I'm on my phone. Good luck. You'll have a few moments of wtf have I agreed to. As long as you and your dh are a united front and he backs you up 100% when needed you'll be fine.

Report

Bonsoir · 13/01/2013 15:48

My DSS1 has recently come to live with us after years of 50:50. He is 17 and in his final year of school and the lack of support/interest/parental presence/meals and basic housekeeping at his mother's house tipped him over the edge.

DSS2 is feeling a bit upset and would also like to come here FT, though his mother doesn't want to let him go yet.

It will all settle down in time, but keep watching everyone, especially your DSD.

Report

Lostinsuffolk · 16/01/2013 21:08

Thanks for the replies. bonsoir just a couple of questions. How old is ur other DSS2 who wants to be at urs? Am keeping an eye on her but think she's ok right now ish!?

scrumpkin interested to hear more from u about ur situation as i think ours will get complicated soon as DSD has said tonight that she's not that happy at her mums anymore but at 9yrs she won't have a choice will she?

OP posts:

Report

HansieMom · 17/01/2013 03:42

She is not the Birth Mother, she is their mother.

Report

NanaNina · 18/01/2013 21:54

That's splitting hairs Hansiemom - of course people don't refer to child's birthmother when they are talking about her - it would be your mom but BM is used on MN just for clarity really. Does that make sense.

Report

ladydeedy · 20/01/2013 12:33

how old is the other child? Am in similar situation in that my DSS2 came to live with us aged 14 (nearly 3 years ago now). Likewise, awful situation at home and eventually he just left and came here. He was selfharming etc which stopped almost immediately. His mother still behaves appallingly towards him but he's managing everything very well all things considered. His (slightly older) sibling is still there and would like to leave and live here also but his mother is v manipulative and he finds it difficult to have a conversation with her about it without her getting hysterical, screaming and - on one occasion - telling him that if he left she would kill herself.

All I can say is keep a watchful eye and frequent contact with the other child and try and ensure some kind of relationship between DSS and his mother if this is feasible (as well of course with his sibling). Even if it is not great at the moment, at some point they may figure things out in the future.

In our case DSS and his BM barely spend any time together (her wish) and I fear that their relationship will be non-existent once he's an adult as she is the one saying she has been abandoned, is lonely, is hurt and that she doesnt care about him any more...

Sending my good wishes, and hope it all works out well, but do please PM if you would like to "chat".

Report

Lostinsuffolk · 23/01/2013 19:26

Hi ladydeedy, thanks for ur words. I will PM u but DSD is 9yrs, quite a tough little cookie as the madness she lives with has been consistent all her life. She knows no different so has adapted to the lies, shouting etc. My DP is encouraging positive contact and I support and back him up 100% with his decisions. I have a great relationship with DSS and we talk a lot. He runs his thoughts past me and I try to encourage positivity about the future but its hard when BMs behaviour is so negative towards him. Actually cruel at times. It's horrible watching it all unfold but I remain committed to supporting him through a v tough time. The youngest is my DPs worry now as we don't want her to grow apart from brother.

It's hard all around but I feel like we're ok right now. It's just a journey to the unknown that leaves me constantly anxious really. All the previous advice I have received on here about various subjects has been taken on the main part and boy has everything got better for all of us. My relationship with DP is now rock solid and Ex can't split us up Again. The constant jibes have been risen above, crapy emails replied politely and negative remarks about us to the children has been met with an 'oh well, she is entitled to her opinion!' It's been so hard to do but we have got there thro gritted teeth and a smile. Just got to keep it up.

We've had all the same kind of threats as u too, sad really but they are starting to bit her on the arse as others around her are now questioning her behaviour too. Will keep u posted on what happens this weekend as DSS has said he will not see his BM even though its her weekend. We've asked him consider all the options n said he should see her, but his case of not going was based around getting grief all weekend, there is little we can do again as we know he is right and in some respects is it right to force him? He is old enough to make his own decisions to a certain degree.

Sorry so long. Need a brew now, or is that wine ? :)

OP posts:

Report

ladydeedy · 23/01/2013 22:15

Wine, for sure! . have responded to your PM. x

Report

HansieMom · 02/02/2013 01:37

NanaNina, no, it does not make sense. She is their mother.

On court tv or a similar show, a man murdered his wife. They had two little boys. Years later, maybe ten, he was finally brought to trial and convicted. In between, he had married someone else.

One of the boys got up and read a statement and referred to his mother as his birth mother. I cringed then and still do. How little his mother must have meant to him if that is how he thought and referred to her. She would still be here if his father had not murdered her!

Report

Lostinsuffolk · 02/02/2013 21:43

hansiemom it's a figure of speech on here not any kind of derogatory comment. I appreciate ur point but ur missing the point of how its used. If u look at the way DSD or DP is used, it's the same thing, an abbreviation, that's all. :)

OP posts:

Report

Lostinsuffolk · 02/02/2013 21:50

On another point DSS has refused to see his BM again. An argument escalated into a war of words n she took his keys to her house from him. He's so angry with her he's now said he wants nothing more to do with her. The flip side is that DSD is now being promised the world in toys, games, whatever she wants so she thinks its great as she's getting loads of attention.

OP posts:

Report

pinkbraces · 03/02/2013 01:27

My DSD came to live with us 2 yrs ago when she was 14, her relationship with her mother had totally broken down, she had been emotionally abused, generally treated as the "bad" child. DSS who was 11 at the time has stayed with his mother, he has always been treated by his mother as the golden child, whilst DSD the "bad" child.

Two years down the line and DSD is very happy, and doing well. She has had counselling and mediation but does not want a relationship with her mother.

PM me if want to chat, I will post again, going to bed now.

Report

Lostinsuffolk · 03/02/2013 11:04

[pinkbraces] have pm'd you. Thanks for the reply though, so so happy to know this is happening to others and can get decent advice as currently have no one in a similar situation around me to ask :( [ladydeedy] has pm'd too with advice.