Help Me ... I'm going to Explode...

[HungryHippo89]

I could really do with sorm form of advice that isn't detaching(as i know i should be doing this but i just can't int his situation) and doesn't involve contact orders etc...

I posted a few weeks back with regards to DSD DM ... telling lies to have DSD in my OH contact time which is Friday afterschool to Sunday morning @ 9am every weekend ... So Fast forward to this weekend ... DSD's mum was having her overnight on Friday as it was OH work Xmas party and OH thought instead of offering the time to his mum and dad he would offer it to ExP as she doesn't get to have her on a weekend night when she doesn't have school the next day. Anyway she agreed and everything was fine and then DP gets a text on Saturday morning(20 minutes before we are due to pick her up may i add) from ExP saying that DSD has said she feels too poorly to come to our house for the rest of the weekend .. BUT she would like come for tea 1 night in the week (it just so happens this night is the night when ExP - works late so DSD's DGM has her) So first of all .. there was a massive bullshit siren going off in my head .. DSD would never say she didn't want to come today but can she come on X day ... she just doesn't think like that ... So after speaking with OH we agreed that it was more of a case of ... ExP telling DSD she is too ill but she can come to us for tea in the week. Before OH replied to her i called a close friend whose DD goes to school with DSD and it turns out DSD was off ill on Friday So .. Yes we beleived it all and OH called DSD and asked if she was feeling ok and that he would miss her etc etc etc .... An hour later we drive past one of ExP's friends house to find her car outside ... (we weren't stalking it was en route to my OH brothers house as we had planned to go for lunch) On the way back from lunch we did take a detour passed where we originally saw her car parked outside and it had gone .. but we then drove past her house and it still wasn't there ... I am furious ... How can DSD be too ill to come to us (because she was nice a settled on the sofa with a blanket and just wanted her mummy) and yet ExP be out for at least 3/4 hours so either she got someone else to watch her (which does't add up with her earlier comment of she just wants to stay with me) OR DSD's was probably feeling better but she deceided to lie to us again to get some more time off her ...

Because i get SO wound up about this i really do want to detach but she just has ... OH daren't say anything to her that could make an argument and it doesn't help when his mum agrees to not "rock the boat" but my point is if he never says anything she will just continue to do things like this ... How can i make him stick up for himself .. He makes me feel so angry when he is pussyfooting around her .. i;m getting to the point where i want to go round and tell her exactly how I feel and how shit it is for DP ... however i know this is not my place .. and not my business ultimatley at the end of the day... And if i was to do this it wouldn't be fair on DP or DSD ... But it just gets me so angry!!!! His response is "well she's done it now ... what can i do" I personally think there is plenty he can do ... I told him I wouldn't mention it again about this time .. but if i was to find out she had 100% lied again like the last time .. i'm going to hit the roof and it would be better for him to say something to her then for him to have to deal with me if he doesn't say something ... Somehow i can't see my intimidation tactic working ...

Sorry this is a bit of an monster post .. i really just need to vent

[NotaDisneyMum]

How can i make him stick up for himself

You can't. No-one can make anyone else do anything. Even if you put a gun to his head, he still has a choice whether to do what you want, or to risk you shooting him.

But, you lots of choices yourself, too. You have said that you don't want to disengage, so the alternative is to decide whether you want to stay with a man who behaves the way your DP is behaving - who pussyfoots around his ex rather than putting his DD first.

That is your choice.

You can't change his or his ex's behaviour - all you can do is make him aware of the impact it has on you.

By telling him you are going to make his life hell if he doesn't do what you want him do next time only paints you in the same light as his ex.

[HKnight]

Hi hippo, maybe you and I should go and have a girls weekend away from DP's and EXW's! My DH has been frightened to stand up to his ex, we're trying to sort contact out. He's got a solicitor now and things are slowly changing. At first ex didn't take sols letters seriously but once mediation and court got mentioned she's slowly taking things more seriously. I think these ex's like to push to see how much they can get away with.

We just had DSS for 5 days cos he's been ill. That would never have happened before, DH was firm about it.

Sometimes when DH starts to wobble I do tell him that I'm not prepared to let his ex control my weekends, holidays, xmases etc. I tell him if he doesn't sort it out, he's not to moan about it, and that I'm quite capable of taking our DD to see my family who I hardly see for xmas instead.

[PoppyPrincess]

I too can sympathise about the difficult ex and a DP who doesn't stand up to her, it used to/does wind me up something rotten but eventually DP has started to get wound up by her behaviour too. In the past he had a very defeatist attitude similar to ur DP 'oh well there's nothing I can do' and sometimes it seemed like he'd be justify what she'd done. He's explained that its just because he's so used to her behaviour that he lets it just go over his head to save himself from getting hurt by it.
You really can't make him change, just support him and give him the belief that there is stuff he can do.

How old is DSD? Is there no chance that she did just want a weekend with mum? Like you said they don't get much weekend time together, when I was a little girl I loved mummy time.
I think where possible it is best to have some flexibility with the contact, as DSD gets older there's going to me more things she wants to do with her friends etc so you don't want her to feel like she's got to lie to you and say she's ill if really she just wants a sleep over with her friend.

[ladydeedy]

This is really tough and I completely get how this must drive you to self-combustion! I have been there myself. All I would say is try and see the longer view and how in a few years time you can look back at this incident for what it is. An annoying and irritating incident. Try and think of the longer term and the outcomes that you would like. It is really really hard but in the scheme of things this is an annoying and frustrating thing caused by your DP's ex.
If you can, let it go. Otherwise it will continue to drive you mad. Consider yourself the bigger person and try and focus on something else, like doing nice things with your DSD over the holidays. It used to help me to try and put things in perspective by thinking how sad/miserable/twisted my DH's ex must be to do things like this and the fact that we were her focus and she spent time trying to think of what she could do to annoy/frustrate us. If you look at it like that it makes it easier to ignore her attempts to do so. it will all come out in the wash! (easy for me to say but honestly it will get better and these things will seem insignificant in future years).