Oh god, I am So fed up with it all!!!!!!!

(46 Posts)
Macchiato Sun 21-Oct-12 15:07:45

Soooooooooooooooooooooo fed up. Sorry, I just really need a rant.

We asked DPs ex 6 WEEKS ago if we will be having DPs daughter for the upcoming school hols. She has refused to answer the phone/texts/messages on FB. So now DP has to go up there (north) and spend a week at his mums so he can see his daugher. So me and my DD miss out, yet again, just because she couldn't be bothered to arrange anything. I'm so angry, this happens so much at the moment, we can't afford to all go up north at the moment, so it means i now wont see dsd till xmas, and i will miss her, we always have such a good time together.

I hate that everything we do we have to arrange it round his ex. I hate that she has this "power" over us.

And yet again i have to just grin and bare it and not let anyone know how i really feel because I'm JUST the step parent and that's what we do. arggggghhhhhh.

<pulls hair out>

someone slap me please sad

NotaDisneyMum Tue 23-Oct-12 23:19:28

My DSD was 12 when DP went to court for contact and it wasn't quite as clear cut as madeline describes, fortunately smile

The court issued a residency order for DSD to live with her mum. As for contact, the court issued a recital, binding on both parents, that states that they should facilitate contact (at stated times/days) subject to DSD specific wishes.
In other words, both DP and his ex must allow DSD to have contact with him if she wants to.

In your DPs case, that could prove useful, because if your DPs ex refuses to engage with him at all about his DD, then she would be in breach of the recital and it is more likely that the court would subsequently issue a contact order despite your DSD age.

HouseElfAtLarge Wed 24-Oct-12 07:06:01

A 12 year old who cries to be back with mum is undoubtedly being put under a lot of pressure at home. That is so sad. My dsd's mum used to make dsd feel so guilty about coming here, she used to cry all the time too. She never said anything direct like "don't go to your dads" it was always "mummy misses you soooo much I am so lonely when you're not here and I'm all by myself without you, my best friend" then she'd do things like call right before bedtime and hang on the line for as long as possible like a love sick teenager. Then dsd, who had been fine all day, would be left in the dark with thiughts of her poor lonely mother. sad

UC Wed 24-Oct-12 08:24:59

HouseElf, that is so terribly sad. I just don't understand why people put these burdens on their children. So so damaging.

HouseElfAtLarge Wed 24-Oct-12 09:02:44

Oh god yes. Then when at 13 dsd "decides" she never wants to see Dad again, she thinks its all her own decision because mum never actually asked her not to go. Dads pissed off and dsd thinks its all her fault.
In our case mum is now even complaining about how little child free time she gets so poor dsd feels out if place there too.

I swear if I could get that evil woman alone...

Macchiato Wed 24-Oct-12 11:05:31

NotaDisneyMum that sounds liek what we need to be honest, just got to get DP to grow a backbone now!! thank you for your help smile

houseelf That's so sad, I reckon there'd a alot of the same kind of dynamics going on here as well. DSD is very... aware. I don't know how to better explain it. I think she's more natural with me because she opens up a bit better, I talk to her when we're doing something like cooking so it gives her a distraction and i don't shine a spotlight on her if that makes sense.

DP is a little more blunt with her, and certain things she wont talk about, like she has been told not to.

It's hard to explain but i'm pretty sure she gets told what she can/can't talk about. it's so sad.

You're situation must be heart breaking housElf. I don't know what some people are bloody thinking! makes me so cross :/

HouseElfAtLarge Wed 24-Oct-12 12:30:35

Yes, it's important not to "quiz" her when she's with you. Make your place the sanctuary that she needs from all the crazy bat shit at home wink

Theydeserve Wed 24-Oct-12 22:09:12

not a disney - my contempt for their father knows no bounds. He gives in to the demands of his new DP everytime to the detriment of the DCS.

However, the e mail attached to something else he sent me also shows her discussing a more luxurious hotel if they only took 2 DCS and not his. She manipulates all the time and he is too weak willed to stand up to her - truly pathetic but she is malignant conniving bitch as well.

I hate her ability to change his mind for her benefit and his failure ot put them first. His life his - her, her DC1, her DC2, his job, him the his DCS - thye ar elow on the pecking order.

MsMadelineashton Thu 25-Oct-12 05:44:47

Theydeserve, I really feel for you and your children. What a nasty thing to do. You are obviously angry about it and rightly so.

I don't think it bears any relevance to the thread though I'm afraid other than that both problems involve adults who should be protecting the children and putting their needs first, abusing their positions. In your case your ex husband, in macchiato's her step children's mother.

Boggler Thu 25-Oct-12 10:04:53

Macchiato I'm confused you say that you can't afford to go north with dp, but you also say that he's staying with his mother confused so why can't you stay with your dc as well? Surely his mother wouldn't mind having all her grandchildren for a couple of days so you can have a family day out together. Also why does your dp have to stay up there for the week? Surely 2-3 days would be enough and that way your other child can have some half term fun with her dad.

Macchiato Thu 25-Oct-12 10:59:59

Boggler It's the travel that we can't afford. We have both the girls bdays this next month as well. DP has now cut his time down to 3 days, because he has to back here for work. I feel even more sorry for him now because 3 days is nothing really. It's all such a mess, I just want to swoop in and sort it all out and talk to his ex but i can't :/

purpleroses Thu 25-Oct-12 11:58:16

But surely the cost of picking up DSD,and then returning her a few days later - which is what you'd rather he did and somehow the ex is preventing - would be pretty much the same as taking you and DD with him? (ie two adult returns and one child)?

Macchiato Thu 25-Oct-12 19:15:11

DP goes up on the virgin trains and when he has a child with him he uses the friends and family travel card which makes 1 adult and 1 child cheaper then just 1 adult..... i have NO idea why, i've never booked the travel tickets myself.

To be honest, if we had known a bit in advance then we could have budgeted the train tickets in, but we were waiting on a response and everything had to be booked last minute. We've also made commitments here which we had hoped DSD would be joining in with.

His ex has now said DSD will only be going to his mums for one day, so thats an £80 on travel for one poxy day sad

Boggler Thu 25-Oct-12 22:06:07

Do you not have a car? If you do It would be much cheaper than the train.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 25-Oct-12 23:05:44

Boggler - what is your issue with the OP? How are your comments helpful or constructive?

The OP has explained it is too expensive for her whole family to travel, by train - and you ask if she has a car? Perhaps they can't drive, maybe they can't afford a car, maybe it's none of your business!?!

The OP is facing a lousy situation that negatively affects her whole family that she was seeking an outlet to vent about and your support is to question her lifestyle choices?!?

Macchiato Thu 25-Oct-12 23:19:42

I only passed my driving test a few months ago and there's no way i would drive almost 270 miles. I don't feel ready For that yet.

Thanks notadisneymum thanks
Think i may abandon this thread now anyway. Just needed to vent really.

MsMadelineashton Thu 25-Oct-12 23:22:25

Good luck Machiato - come back wheneveryou like xx

Theydeserve Thu 25-Oct-12 23:55:19

Relevant to the OP = because all to often the Ex is betrayed as the bad mother stopping the new family etc etc.

There is as in my family nuances we do not understand but all too often on here the EX is the bad mother, bad discipline, stopping the new family etc when the other side is not presented.

Lets put it this way until 24 hrs before they left I thought Ex and new DP and all 4 kids were going on holiday, was not allowed ot know where and how long for but...

2 hrs after pick up time, I get a text ( just as they boarded flights) saying unable to do pick up will be back in 8 days. 2 distraught not understanding children, me one holiday to see my best friend down the pan and then a day after they arrive a pseudo contrite e mail, with extended shit on it -so I phoned the hotel and left a voice mail message. Response - how day you make me feel bad, I have a life etc etc and then a poisonous little text from his new DP.

Do not condemn until you know the whole pic

NotaDisneyMum Fri 26-Oct-12 00:09:19

theydeserve If you wander over to the Lone Parents board, you'll see that all to often its the NRP (usually Dad) who gets a pasting.
On the relationships threads, it's the uncaring spouse, MIL or black sheep
Siblings who get a hard time.

The step boards are for those of us dealing with difficult stepfamily issues - if you have a problem with your ex, then maybe other areas of MN would be more appropriate?

MsMadelineashton Fri 26-Oct-12 08:05:16

I agree I'm afraid.

elliebellys Fri 26-Oct-12 08:50:09

Your dp is at fault here.a contact order should have been put in place after the split,especially given the distances bdtween homes.its no good just blamin the ex.this seems to have gone on to long and a child doesnt know what an earth is goin on.if your dp wants this to change he has to get an order asap.

sanityseeker75 Fri 26-Oct-12 14:24:13

Our contact order states that the children have to made available by the mother to visit us at our home from a Friday evening until a Sunday evening at 5.00pm. It also states that the children are to be made available for us to take them on holiday for one week during the school six week holiday and from boxing day until New Years Eve. It did cost app £3000 and in reality made available does not mean they have to let them come but you then have the option to take them to court again. Because his ex does not drive it states that she has to make them available at the entrance to her close or any other prearranged location (we had had problems in the past picking up and dropping off which is why it was stipulated in order).

At the time DSD was due to have operation on cleft pallet so it was even written into by the courts that access had to be made available to me whilst she was in hospital.

It was a lengthy process and as SM you are not able to go into the court room with OH but you can wait in the court waiting rooms. We were lucky that his ex got bored of the process and we were also lucky as our solicitor advised that it is rare to be granted contact every weekend.

It is the hard going and sometimes I think the exes just don't think of it as using the kids to manipulate situations but good luck

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