Teenage stepsons in our bedroom

(326 Posts)
allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 20:17:59

Yesterday, DSS (16) was in our bedroom, solely because he needed to print something out (i wasn't aware of this at the time). At one point I heard banging and thumping around upstairs and asked DH to go up and see what was going on. Turns out both DSSs were play? fighting in our bedroom, on our bed. I was very annoyed, and said to DH that I don't want them in our bedroom anymore. Not only is that the one room in our house that I can have any privacy, but I think I can reasonably expect to not having a young adult model and his teenage brother fighting on my bed.

Roll forward to today. I was walking upstairs and saw DSS1 walking into my bedroom. 5 mins before, I had been busy on the computer in the bedroom (online banking) and also had out some underwear on radiator to dry. Had only left room to go to loo. I spoke to DH and turns out he'd told DSS he could use put computer.

I was very annoyed and DH couldn't understand why. We have a laptop FGS. Am do cross. I don't think I'm unreasonable in not wanting to have a 16 year old male in my bedroom, let alone seeing my private banking details. Am just having a rant here!

Inertia Sun 07-Oct-12 21:10:02

No need for any children (step or bio) to be playing in their parents' bedroom. Our two are much younger and have always known from toddlerhood that they are not allowed in our room unless we are there and have said they can come in, or if they need us during the night.

EchoBitch Sun 07-Oct-12 21:12:29

Jeez,i wish my DC could be so well behaved,mine still come in our room to get their birthday presents!

And they are 52/49 and 46 respectively.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Sun 07-Oct-12 21:13:33

My DC's aren't allowed in my room unless they are sleeping in with me when they're ill. Or under 5 and cosleeping. Other than that, my room is out of bounds.

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:13:52

To be fair though there's a pretty huge difference between coming in to get a present and fighting in the bed grin

mumblechum1 Sun 07-Oct-12 21:14:10

DS doesn't wander into our room either, but it's just where we sleep and dress; both have our own offices elsewhere in the house and we don't have a tv in the bedroom.
It's not that he's banned, just no reason for him ever to go in there.

EchoBitch Sun 07-Oct-12 21:14:34

It's hardly a hanging offence though,they won't be at home forever,you'll get your privacy soon.

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:14:46

Wow, a thread where I agree with Bonsoir and Couthy grin.

IceBergJam Sun 07-Oct-12 21:21:19

Ive been in my stepsons lives for 8 years. They are very much part of our family , living with us 50/50. They only come into our room if invited. I would not feel comfatable at all with them wondering in and out when ever they felt like it .

I pay them the same respect and always knock if I need to chat with them while they are in their rooms.

I dont feel it has anything to do with not making them feel welcome or not seeing them as part of the family. I dont want my18 year old stepson walking in and seeing me in my bra and pants, or seeing private medication on my bed side table, or trying to conceive books, bank statements, etc. Yes I may feel different about my own child seeing these things. Doesnt mean my stepchildren are not welcome and considering my DD is only 10 months the situation will never be an issue.

Adults need privacy and boundaries.

I think you need to discuss groundrules with your DH or spend time relaxing in your SS bedrooms!

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:23:59

Not sure I mentioned hanging hmm. I did say I was just ranting and it's DH I'm cross with.

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:25:09

Thanks iceberg you've articulated it much better than me, it's exactly as you've described!

SonnySpain Sun 07-Oct-12 21:26:27

Is anyone else really jealous of all these properties with separate houses in grounds, studios, his and hers offices and teenage suites???
For what it's worth, I am a step parent, dsd knows to knock when coming in our room and only goes into if, for example, she's borrowing my straighteners etc. She isn't banned from there but she is aware that it isn't somewhere to 'hang out'. I don't recall ever having to tell her this, it is just how it works in our house. My three DSs follow the same pattern. We all tend to knock before entering each other's rooms and none of us would dream of just using someone else's bedroom when they aren't there. (We would, however, go in to collect something etc.)
I'm a bit on the fence - no to the messing about in there but wouldn't have a problem with them going into my room for a good reason.

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:29:02

Studios and teenage suites, not sure where that idea came from.

omletta Sun 07-Oct-12 21:34:42

Sorry, I still don't get it. If my DSC were fighting in my room I think I would yell something like ' oy not in here' or 'get out of my my room' but I just don't think it's worth getting upset about.

Some of my loveliest memories of us as a family are m and DH in bed with collective children spread across the bed, chatting or watching a film, but all feeling comfortable.

omletta Sun 07-Oct-12 21:35:15

Me, not m!

brdgrl Sun 07-Oct-12 21:37:03

Is anyone else really jealous of all these properties with separate houses in grounds, studios, his and hers offices and teenage suites???

Nothing to be jealous of here, sonny. DH and I both work from home, so yes, we have offices. Poky little offices in our home that we struggle to pay the rent on every month, and we live miles from the town centre so that we can afford it at all . We haven't much space, and the DSCS live here all the time, so maybe that is why being respectful of one another's privacy is so important.

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:37:09

Omeletta can you see that not everyone might bd the same as you though? The thought if being in bed with a 16 year old make who is not my biological child quite frankly horrifies me

Narked Sun 07-Oct-12 21:37:37

The only thing that matters is that it bothers you. Some people wouldn't mind, but you do, and I don't think it's expecting too much to have one room that's private. Particularly when they end up wrestling on your bed grin

Talk to your DH again.

IceBergJam Sun 07-Oct-12 21:37:56

DH , me, two teen boys and a baby would just not fit on the bed ! Plus I couldnt put up with the competitive farting.

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:38:49

Thanks Narked. We will definitely be having that chat!

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:40:47

I think as well that being the only female in the house makes me doubly keen to have just a little bit of space in the house to be private. In seriously outnumbered by large males, so that little bit of privacy helps me a lot

Chewbecca Sun 07-Oct-12 21:40:49

DSS1 lived with us a while when he was a teenager. I used to hide the modem when he was not allowed to use it because it cost a fortune, blocked the phone line and stopped him doing his school work. (this was a long time ago!!) He always found it, no matter where I hid it, even in my underwear drawer :-(
He also found my hidden positive pregnancy test and books so when we announced my pregnancy, he just said 'yeah, I know'. No privacy at all and I hated that.
But, on the plus side, it was, as everything in parenting is, a phase, it passed and we moved onto other worries!!

Shesparkles Sun 07-Oct-12 21:40:51

Ok so the play fighting was a step too far, but bloody hell, no wonder there are problems in families and step families! What a bunch of bloody weirdos not even allowing your own children in your bedroom without an appointment, never mind stepchildren!
Those of you who are stepmums and say you won't allow stepchildren in your bedroom, do you sleep alone in that room, or do you share it with your dh/dp.....you know, they guy who is those kids' father???
It's not often it happens, but I really am shaking my head in disbelief at some of you

IceBergJam Sun 07-Oct-12 21:42:26

Allnew, I wouldn't feel comfy sharing a bed with my 16 and 18 year old stepsons. It just would not feel right to me. Can't say i'd do it with my Nephews either. Doesn't mean I don't care.

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:42:59

I didn't go into my parents bedroom either though unless there was a reason, so it's got nothing to do with a step set up in the case, just that people have different expectations and boundaries

allnewtaketwo Sun 07-Oct-12 21:44:44

Shesoarkes I love that you come on a thread to slag off people for being intolerant, then call them a bunch of weirdos. Oh the irony

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