Anyone else hate the handovers?

[Lostinsuffolk]

This isn't really a question for advice more 'what does everyone else do?' IUSWIM!

When we fetch the DSD & DSS DPs Ex is always in a bad mood, always sneers and makes a huge fuss about them "being good for dad" which really seems to wind the kids up. It's frustrating as Ex hates me with a passion and stills seems v bitter about DP which after nearly 5 yrs I would have thought she should have got over by now esp because she was having the affairs and she wanted the divorce.

It's got to the point now where if I get out of my car she stares at me like I'm some kind of alien and she huffs and tuts her way around the car park being all dramatic. Ive recently taken to just sitting in the car and let the kids get in and then drive off so I don't even have to look at her which I find sad, but whatever I do (or DP) she's just awful to us. I'd like it to be as stress free as it can for the kids but she makes it so difficult. Btw I do ignore it all and not rise to her as I want to be an adult about it all but it's really hard when someone's being so bloody awkward especially in front of her own kids! What do others experience?

[ginny84]

Hi,

I feel for you. We have something very similar. Although my DPs ex does not speak or make eye contact with DP let alone me. I never get out the car (it would not go down well at all) so DP goes to the door collects DSS with no contact with the ex, my DP has tried in the past to speak and been asked not to. When she collects from us she sits in the car and beeps, my DP takes out DSS and again no contact with ex.

I feel for DSS who knows that it is odd that his parents do not speak but just accepts it now.

No advice I'm afraid, just to let you know we experience similar, and we try to do the same, don't rise to it and we never speak poorly or DPs ex in front of DSS.

[Lostinsuffolk]

We generally collect kids from a supermarket car park as not allowed to her house. There is no reason for that at all. She just changed the meeting place to car parks? She won't do driving unless to local shop so never have issue with her coming to our house IUSWIM. Thanks for the reply good to know we're not the only ones with a hostile handover!! :)

[ginny84]

Having handover at car parks can't be nice for the kids! Poor them. And poor you having to sit in the car and witness it all. It is always nice to know that it isn't just you isn't it? I feel the same when I read stuff on here. :)

[purpleroses]

Sounds a rubbish way to do a handover. But if it's so difficult and doesn't sound like you being there is making it any easier for anyone, why don't you let DP do them on his own? You could make him dinner or a have a drink ready for him when he gets back.

[NotaDisneyMum]

DP insisted that handovers were done through school as part of the contact order.

He only has 7 school-holiday face-to-face handovers a year, and I've learnt (the hard way) not to go along, and if I am in the car, to stay there and not look at her or the DCs until they get in.

As the DC's got older, DP knocks on the door then goes and waits by the car/end of the drive for them to come to him. No interaction with exW at all.

Recently, DP and his ex have been more cordial and he has been invited into the porch once or twice, but interaction is still minimal.

[Kaluki]

I don't go. I find it easier not to.
DP beeps outside and the dc come out and get in the car.
If I'm in the car she comes out to have a nose so I don't give her the satisfaction!!

[Lostinsuffolk]

Sometimes it's hard for me not to be there because I collect them on my way home to save my DP having a 50 mile round trip! I generally don't go because it's like u say kaluki easier not to. It's not my choice of handover either purple its how the Ex wants it so we just along with it for an easier life. I just support my DP the best I can. :)

[Lostinsuffolk]

Btw the new bf comes along to ever drop off now and acts v smarmy and agressive to DP, I think it's intentional agro no one needs really. recently so ive been going to support DP more than anything else. thanks for the comments. It's all useful advice. Just wondered what others experience more than anything else really.

[flixy102]

Sometimes I have to do the pick up for my DH if he is working. My DSD is older now so I just text her so say I'm on my way so there is no awkward hanging about outside the house.

Even when she was little tho, her mother wouldn't bring her out to the car, just opened the door for her and let her run out to the car herself. Even if it was dark or she was loaded down with bags etc DH wouldn't have been allowed to walk her to the door, we had to sit and watch to make sure she got in ok

[Smurfy1]

I used to have to do all the pick ups and drop off's as BM seemed to think it was pushing a wedge between us ??? but I hated having to watch the change in DSD to a scared head to the floor child walking back to her mothers door, but no more :)

[Lostinsuffolk]

smurfy1 did u stop the pick ups or have u won the battle and it's got easier?

[Smurfy1]

We got full custody as BM decided that her BF was more important than being a mum so gave us weeone and didn't want access

[theredhen]

Dp also does pick ups and drop offs through school except holidays where his ex gets more and more cranky. He used to knock on door, and pick kids up on doorstep which has now progressed through several stages to him meeting the kids in the high St as she doesn't even want him driving near her road! So four kids standing on a street corner is the way forward apparently.

[Lostinsuffolk]

smurfy1 if wish we could have ours full time as it would be so much better for them but their BM won't give up the maintenace to live her lavish lifestyle.

redhen funny how any mother can thinks kids loitering on street corners is good for them! Crazy crazy ideas indeed.

Thank u for posting, it makes me realise we are no different to others and that doesn't help but it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one dealing with this crap. :(