Anybody else sometimes wonder if they're staying for the kids?

[origamirose]

I feel safe(ish) asking this here. Nobody I know in RL is in the same situation as I am. Most of my friends are first wives with kids and husbands. No-one I know has a partner with children from a previous marriage.
Right now things are tough for me. My DP doesn't want any more children and he doesn't want to get married again. He's always been honest about this and I've always hoped he'll change his mind. Now I'm getting older I feel as though there's nothing I can do to change his mind and to a certain extent I am very sad that I have lost the chance of meeting someone who will marry me and have children with me. (I am nearly 37).
I have taken on his children and always endeavoured to treat them as I would my own children. I am kind and compassionate to them and they love me and miss me if I'm not around. Their mum is hard work - emotionally labile and IMO emotionally abusive to the children. I feel responsible for creating a safe and stable relationship for them.
Right now I feel as though I'm staying in this relationship to protect my partner's children from going through yet another break up. Has anyone else done this? Am I mad? Can someone out there give me some consolation?

[Mopswerver]

You are not too old to meet someone else and have children (I had 1st at 38, 2nd at 40 & I know many in same boat) and as things stand you will not have children if you stay. You sound like a lovely person who has provided a caring and stable home for these children who clearly love you.

If I were you I would confront him about how unhappy the prospect of not having a child of your own is making you (I'm sure you have already though). Make it clear that it's what YOU want and after all you seem to have provided a great deal of what HE wants. Failing that I am probably underhand enough to er....have an accident . Not great advice for a relationship maybe but this is YOUR life too and you only get one bite of the cherry. He is being very selfish imo.

[Kaluki]

I would never stay just for the kids but they are always a factor.
My dc and DPs dc are all close so I would have to think long and hard about how a break up would affect them before I considered my own feelings.
I did stay in a previous relationship much too long for my DSDs sake and it did nobody any favours.
I think in your case you do need to put yourself first. If you will regret not having dc of your own then you will resent your DH in time.
It's not too late - would he change his mind if he thought he might lose you?

[Lostinsuffolk]

I'm with kaluki on this one. It's not too late and u will resent ur DP if u don't fulfill ur wishes for the future. Have a think and talk to ur partner. If he can't see ur POV u've a bigger decision ahead of u.

[brdgrl]

I had my first at 39. You have time and options open to you, and you deserve to be happier - not to settle.

The bigger issue is that - whether you go on to have a child of your own or not - you don't seem happy with your DP. If the foundation is not there for a strong partnership, I'd really question whether the setup can last in the long haul...and if you spend the next few years trying to make this work, and then it comes apart, how much more will you be losing? And how much tougher will it be for the children?

[Eliza22]

Had my child at 38. I too felt I was running out of time but would have had more up it say, 42 ish, had it happened.

You sound like a lovely step mum to these kids. And your partner isn't being selfish. It's how he feels and has been honest about it, from the get go. But...

If you want your own, only you know whether you ate able to risk leaving this relationship in order to meet a like minded partner.

I don't envy you your decision. But I have to say you may regret either decision. Good luck.

[Ukuleila]

Hi Origamirose,
no, you are not mad. I was in a quite similar situation, had a stepson that I loved to bits and pieces and the boy had (still has) an emotional unstable mother and I did a lot of hard work to make his life better and to offer him a home where he could feel at ease, loved and secure. We had many really bad arugments with my DP over the years and were often close to the breaking point. Most of the time it was b/c of the momster who tried to stir, meddle and break-us up, pushing us really to our limits. To be honest with you, and although I love my DP, I think without my SS I would have left a long time ago. But everytime it got really bad, I told myself I need to try and make it work, I cannot just walk out on my SS. Luckily for us the situation has improved a lot since then. DP and I got eventually married and we now have a lovely baby together, which has considerably moved the power balance into our favour. I think it shows a very kind and caring personality if you are prepared to work it through for your stepchildren. Having said that, if you know for sure that you want children and your partner does not want them, I'd advise you really to focus on YOUR needs this time. This is not fair on you and it is a topic on its own, no matter if there are ss or not.... good luck to you x

[origamirose]

Thank you for all your replies and advice. Some of you have given me hope.
DP and I are going to counseling and taking some baby steps forward - a lot of the issues are very similar to ukuleila's (controlling manipulative ex).
I'm not absolutely desperate for a baby but I am absolutely desperate that DP and I make the choice together rather than it being a closed subject.