Should we involve dss?

[SarahOxford]

I've posted before about the fact that dh, ds and i are having, for dh's work, to move 200 miles away from dss. Unfortunately it has to happen and is now in motion, likely to be in 4-6 weeks time.
My question is to what extent do you think we should involve dss in the move?
He's 10 now and when we moved away before for work he was only 4 and we did involve him in as much as you can involve a 4 year old. He was with us on moving day etc.
He is definitely a bit more sensitive about it this time, being older and having his half brother (4) to miss/be jealous of now. I don't want to 'rub it in'/be insensitive by talking about it too much in front of him but i don't want to him to feel uninvolved either.
What do you guys think? Should he come househunting with us? Help us choose? Be there for the move? Or is that insensitive?

We're going to have the same amount of contact with him, ie. Fri from school until Sun morning and half holidays (the w/ends with his grandma who lives near him ish, and the hols in the new house as a family), but appreciate the quality may be different due to not being in 'our' home all the time and ds (4 being a bit young to do that drive every week) only coming too every other w/end.
Despite the quantity being the same he does seem affected by our decision, mostly manifested by suddenly becoming very attached to his mum iykwim.
I think she's encouraging this, which isn't helpful, but ultimately we're responsible for this and just want him to not feel rejected or pushed out by us. Not sure if the best way to achieve this is to act as if nothings changed because the number of hours together remains the same or involve him in the change.

Thanks for any thoughts, i'm so grateful there's a place for step parents, none of my parent friends would understand the problem!

[IAmBooyhoo]

yes i think he absoloutely should be involved as much as possible. your new home will be his home in teh same way that your current home is and it will make him feel like he isn't being left behind if he gets to take part in teh whole process.

WRT to his mum encouraging him being clingy to her. could it be that she is jsut comforting him at a time when he needs reassurance that somethings will stay the same (ie her and his place with her)?

[SarahOxford]

Thanks for that, i think you're right, i'm just nervous about being insensitive.

I think that's partly the case with his mum, but partly feeling sorry for herself too, and partly using opportunity to point score over dh. But irrelevant really, we're doing this to him so i don't feel i can judge her emotional reaction and certainly wouldn't react to her for fear of inflaming situation. She was very good about it last time, sympathetic of dh being made redundant etc.
I'm pleased he has such a strong bond with his mum, but i don't want him to feel rejected by us, or for her to reinforce that feeling. We'd love him to come with us and hope he knows that, although i'm not sure if it would make him feel better.

[IAmBooyhoo]

how des he feel about it? has he said whether he wants to be involved or not? what does DH think?

[oreocrumbs]

I think you should ask him to be involved in everything and if he wants to opt out then that is fine. Get him to pick a bedroom when househunting and let him choose how he wants it to be decorated etc. It will still be his 'other' home.

Also why don't you look into some activities/days out near the grandma's house that you will be able to do with him on the weekends and see if you can get some enthusiasm going for that. Give him some things to look forward to, rather than just worry about.

It is a difficult situation and will be hard for all of you, but probably hardest for him, so IMO it is ok to over compensate (to a degree) with children sometimes - give him what he needs to get him over this.

You sound like an lovely SM

[chelen]

It's understandable he will be more prone to rely on his mum, he's bound to be a bit freaked.

My advice is to give him the option to be involved, say you would like him to be and ask him if he would like to be. But be prepared for him to say he doesn't want to if he is feeling rejected/worried.

Keep asking him and try to involve as much as possible. Hopefully he will want to take part.

If he doesn't want to get involved, go ahead and make a nice space for him anyway.

[SarahOxford]

Thanks for the advice, it's really kind. I think we should ask him to be involved as much as he wants i agree. 10 is probably old enough to choose that so we should probably talk to him more about it.

That idea of getting him excited about elements of it has crossed our mind. DH is setting up a room for him at grandmas with xbox, pc etc. and she lives in the countryside so he's trying to enthuse him about cycling, hiking etc.
We'll be moving close to a castle too and he's really into knights, swords etc. so we're being super enthusiastic about that too.

Thanks oreocrumbs :)
I think we are over compensating a little, particularly whilst going through the move, so there are lots of exciting things as well as the bad. But then the plan is to get into a routine as soon as possible to give him the stability back and give him some slack until he gets used to the new routine.

I am mostly worrying about him not thinking the new house is home, given he'll only be there for half hols. I guess it's inevitable but want to 'make a nice space for him' as you say.

Thanks everyone :)

[NotaDisneyMum]

The only note of caution I would make is not really linked to the step or distance issue at all - but a recognition that DCs of that age don't really understand the housebuying process and if you involve them too soon, it can upset them

My DD (11) has been looking at houses with her Dad and SM; two of the houses that took her to look at she loved, they put an offer in, but both times, it's fallen through and she's been devastated - they'd let her pick her room, talked about pets and so on to help her feel involved and it's backfired

He's also planning the move in the run up to her SATS - which has put a lot of strain on my ability to be polite to him