I didn't think it would be this bad

[osculation]

DP moved in last week and this weekend his DSs are staying here for the first time. It's only the second day and I know I need to give it time but right now I just want to sob. I feel like my house has been taken over and as much as I'm glad that they feel at home they're driving me crazy! I keep telling myself it's not their fault- it's just what they've been allowed to get away with before and they don't know any different. I don't feel it's my place to say anything to them but DP is reluctant to as he feels so guilty about 'ruining their lives' (I'm pregnant which was very unplanned).

I know I shouldn't let this get to me but I'm tired of having to wipe the toilet seat before I use it because it's covered in wee, I'm tired of hearing 'da-ad, da-ad, daaaa-aaaad....DAAAAAAAAAAAD!' when they want a drink brought to them (he runs around for them like he's their slave), I'm tired of DP asking them to do something and them saying 'nope!' and him not being more assertive. I'm tired of him giving into their every demand because they will nag otherwise. I'm tired of feeling so frustrated at them because they're just kids and it's not their fault.

This morning DSS2 asked if he could open up a Mr Potato head toy that was given to me for the baby - DP said 'go on then!' and when I asked him what he was doing he said that the baby would be too young to play with it anyway and we'll get it another. It was opened up and taken apart and shoved back in the box within 5 minutes and I know the baby will be too young for it but it really got to me. I don't know if I have to keep everything anyone gets the baby hidden away now. It's so petty I know but it's been like this all day - after specifically telling them to be careful with my laptop they spilled squash over it - it's fine but I just wish they would have a bit of respect for things and I wish DP would just say something every so often rather than giving me the 'oops!' look.

DP is also practically ignoring me so they don't feel left out and has sent me upstairs to bed so I can rest and has said he'll bring supper up to me too. Whilst it's a lovely thought I really feel like he just wants me out of the way. Earlier I asked if we could all do something together tomorrow but he informs me they're going swimming. I know it's important for them to spend time together but I also think he should stop separating us.

I'm sorry this is so long and really quite petty, I just needed to write it down before I scream.

[TheFeministsWife]

How old are they? Some of what you describe sounds like normal kid stuff really, but the being told "nope" when asked to do something is not on. And yes he shouldn't be separating you and he needs to be more assertive. But it is only the first weekend, so hopefully given time, things will get better. Depending on how old they are, you could both sit down with them and talk about "house rules" and what they are allowed to do.

[rainbowinthesky]

Sounds like moving in together may have happened a little too quickly. Are you sure this is what you want? They sound normal and your dh is right, your baby wont be able to play with that toy for years but your feelings are understandable.

[saintlyjimjams]

Sounds completely normal. how old are they? They'll be excited about seeing their father as well.

Keep your laptop away from juice - you souldn't leave it somewhere it mught get stuff spilt on it - and enjoy being in bed.

[Doodlez]

DP moved in to YOUR house last week?

Your house, your rules!

Start laying the law down - that doesn't have to be aggressive or done in a negative way - just formly. The kids need boundaries and by the sounds of it, so does your DH. YOUR HOUSE!!!

[rainbowinthesky]

Surely it's not "your house, your rules". They are a family and a partnership. Surely compromise is the answer.

[osculation]

They're 11 and 8.

No, I don't see it as 'my house, my rules' - when DP moved in (and even before then as he was practically living here when they weren't staying with him anyway) I said it is as much their home as mine. However, I don't think it's too much to ask to not be made to feel like I've got to hide away in my own house.

I know all of the stuff I'm frustrated about is just normal kid stuff (although I hope my child is brought up to have more respect for its parents than they do theirs) and I know it's going to take time. I suppose I thought it would be more of a partnership than feeling like a stranger and earlier the thought of every weekend for the rest of time being like this felt very overwhelming.

If I'm honest I do think it is too soon to be living together, I also think it's too soon to be having a baby together but it's how things are we're doing our best to make it work. In an ideal world we would have taken things a bit more slowly but living together makes more sense financially and he wanted to be here to support me and and the baby and for the boys to have a relationship with their sibling. I appreciate it's a big change for all of us and as the grown up I know I'm going to be the one who has to bite my tongue and just let things go for now.

Please don't think I'm a wicked stepmother who does nothing but run them down to the ground, they are great boys and I know everything will work itself out somehow in the end. Things just seemed far more frustrating earlier on when I felt like I was being sent upstairs out of the way and I just needed to vent. I think, once they've settled in here I will approach DP about setting some boundaries - stop peeing on the toilet seat/floor will be one of them.

[saintlyjimjams]

Maybe your dp could see you were struggling. It must be difficult for him to be between the boys being boys and you finding it hard.

I'd pick your battles tbh or you will be run ragged- peeing on the floor is pretty much standard 8 year old boy stuff, they don't even notice where they're weeing. So yes tell them but if you see it as something that has to be tackled and sorted or as a sign of respect (or lack of) you could end up very frustrated.

[purpleroses]

It's really not easy getting used to being in someone else's family. And quite different having your DSSs round that just your DP. I remember how utterly overwhelmed I felt first spending just an afternoon with DP and his DCs. We've fortunately not had to rush things, but even spending a weekend round his with the DCs is something that's taken me a long while to get used to, and there are still things I'm trying to sort out before we move in - eg kids doing chores, etc.

But if it's the DSSs' first weekend at yours their dad is probably hyper sensitive to trying to make them feel at home and feel like nothing too much has changed for them - so probably best for you to let them go off swimming, etc and take the time to relax a bit. But then speak to him in the week about how you would like to see it working out all together in the longer term - eg some time for him and his boys together, and also some time for all of you to be together. No fixed rules on how to split the time, but it's OK to discuss it.

I think you're right to see it as a joint home - I'll be moving in with my DP and DCs when we do live together and I've been quite clear that even though he owns the house it has to be a joint home. I wouldn't want to live with anyone who didn't understand this, and doubt your DP would either. But just because he has kids shouldn't mean it's not your home too. Some of the stuff you mention that the kids do - wailing Daaaaad, etc you probably can't do much about. Other things you can address yourself - eg put your laptop somewhere safe and out the way. And other things, you need to talk to your DP about to agree what your house rules are. I'd pick up on the saying "nope" thing as the thing most important to address from the things you describe.

But also, a move into a new house is a good chance to re-allocate some of the things your DP has been doing for the DCs up til now - eg "in this house, you can get yourself a drink when you want them - this is where we keep the cups, etc. Many parents (esp ones who don't have their DCs full time) go on doing things for them because they always have done, without taking the time to step back and think - actually you could do this for yourself now couldn't you?

[MoChan]

This is a really difficult situation, and one that I have basically been through (not-planned pg led to me basically going from 0 - 3 children in one fell swoop, all happened too, too soon for us too) and it is very hard. You do, as you've acknowledged, need to sit down with your OH and talk about boundaries, standards, how things are going to be, so you are both singing from the same hymn sheet, as it were.

It is really easy for a separated parent to end up letting things get slack with their children because they don't want to be the nasty parent, they don't want their children's time with them to be the time when they are getting told off all the time... and it's only natural. But as time goes on it will get easier to stick with the boundaries. But you do have to be in agreement over it.

It's also easy to expect too much of your step children. I did. I hadn't had any children, or been around children, before I met them. I quite often felt as though my then-4 yo DSD was being obtuse, back then. And she probably was, sometimes. But now I've seen my own DD grow from a baby INTO a four year old, I realise that DSD's 'obtuseness' back then was probably sometimes that she didn't really understand something I'd said, or didn't understand what was required of her. Having little experience of children at all at that point, I assumed that she had a perfectly good working knowledge of English.... I suppose that's because I'm an idiot, and you are probably not, though...

You're right to want to halt the separation thing - BUT - I think it's good to split things a little; have some things that you do all together, but let them have time on their own together without you too.

Good luck with the wee thing. It's hard to stop it. But don't clean it up yourself.

[purpleroses]

My DS, by the way, peed on the toilet seat, despite endless nagging from me, until I instigated a 10p fine every time he did this - took about a week and he completely got into the habit of lifting the seat. As the only woman in the house, you are probably the one who will have to push this one though

[NotaDisneyMum]

This doesn't sound like a DSC problem - it sounds like a DP problem.

Your DP has admitted that he feels guilty about "ruining his DC's lives" and is reluctant to provide them with boundaries - he has abdicated his responsibility as a parent .

I suggest you think about how your life together will look in a few years if your DP is still "making it up" to his DC's. Your household will have double standards - one set of rules for your own child and one for his. You will have little or no authority in your family as it will be undermined and dismissed in case you upset your DSC, and you and your child will be secondary to the DSC when they visit as their needs will always be put first in order to appease your DP's guilt.

How about you and your DP attend some parenting workshops together - preferable ones with experience of blended families? You can then agree boundaries and limits together, and ensure that you are on the same page with your parenting.

Please don't think that this will get better on it's own - your DP's attitude will be very damaging to your relationship in the long term, but if you are prepared to address it together now, you could form a really strong foundation to build on

[OlympicRelay]

^^

[SaraBellumHertz]

They sound like normal kids and your DP is right to cut them a but if slack whilst they come to terms with this new arrangement.

You say that it is "probably too soon" so how long have you and DP been together? And how long has he been separated from the boys mum? Mum and dad splitting, dad getting new girlfriend and girlfriend having a baby are three very big events in the life of young kids - if they have happened in quick succession then it will be additionally tough on them

[ohdarcy]

I can't imagine how hard it must be to suddenly become a stelmother esp without having had kids yourself first. My oldest is 5 and does most of what you say and he is a very good boy, just a fairly normal child. It drives me NUTS and i have had 5 years of loving him and getting used to the way it turns life upside down.

I can totally imagine how you feel about the toy for example. I bought a book for my ds2 when i was pregnant but ds1 saw it ad wanted to read it and it just seemed silly to say no when ds2 wouldn't enjoy it for another few years! Part of that is just not being the firstborn, they never have the same experience of getting all the firsts, all the new things, but i can imagine that is hard for you because it IS your first baby.

I don't have much advice really, i imagine it is jut going to take a lot of time. Congrats by the way!

[NotaDisneyMum]

sara - I disagree - being understanding and supportive is one thing, but DC's need boundaries especially when they feeling insecure. Accepting and supporting a DC when they have an uncharacteristic meltdown when told they are not permitted to do something is very different from allowing them to do it in case they get upset.

If their Dad takes away the security of rules when they are already struggling to understand their new life, then they will feel even more at sea. Knowing some behaviour is non-negotiable, and that they don't have the responsibility to work out how to behave themselves, is reassuring for DC's. When those boundaries and rules are removed, DC's can feel that their parents no longer care enough to parent them

[SaraBellumHertz]

Notadisneymum I agree but I am not seeing anything in the OP that suggests a lack of boundaries.

Allowing them to get away with saying "nope" doesn't strike me as taking away security and indicative that their father doesn't care, they are hardly being allowed to run wild.

[NotaDisneyMum]

sara - not on it's own, no (although I would never, ever accept a "nope" in reply from DSS or DD who are the same age) - but coupled with the OP's DP's admission that he feels guilty, his willingness to run around like a slave for his DC's, his giving in to their every demand because otherwise they will nag - all indicates a case of "guilty daddy syndrome" is developing.

If it is not addressed early, it sets up a pattern of behaviour that is very, very difficult to alter, and almost impossible with a new baby in the house, I would suggest?

[Trifle]

Your dp is having a laugh isn't he. life couldnt have got cushier for him could it. No home of his own so he shacks up with you, must be saving him a packet. From what you described I assumed his kids were 6 ish, can't believe they are much older. You should boot him out off to his own place where his kids can destroy all his stuff and just visit you on his own. Having a kid with him and embroiling yourself in this mess without enough thought was crazy.

[MrsGypsy]

OP you have an opportunity to set the rules, before the baby comes. Take it.

"In this house........"
"Your Mum has her rules at her house, but here we ......."

Make sure your DP stops the DisneyDaddy stuff (where he runs around as a personal servant to his children as he feels constantly guilty) right now. Have a talk with him about how you want it to be a NORMAL family home for DSCs. Tell him you want them to have the OPPORTUNITY to have a family life with you both. He MUSTN'T deprive them of it, as that would be very unfair to them. (guess where our stepfamily issues have been).

That means not pandering to their every wish, and making sure they have their own responsibilities eg., clearing the plates from the table, emptying dishwasher, making their beds, and lifting the loo seat. He doesn't want them to grow up as lazy, or heaven forbid, spoiled brats, does he?

Agree it. Let him do certain activities with his DC while you rest, but take the chance to agree with him and set certain 'family' activities - pizza night, home movie night where you are all together. Really important.

[saintlyjimjams]

The rules have to be realistic though - which can be difficult when you haven't had much experience of children. If you expect them to behave like mini adults then you will have all sorts of problems.

[Enfyshedd]

I moved in with DP & his 2 DS's 19 months ago (then 11 & 4) - the first thing he told them was I was the boss and they were to mind what I told them (I'd known them for 2 years before then and I've always treated my friends' children according to their own parents rules, and maybe slightly stricter if I wasn't sure). For the first 6 months, I relied a lot on "ask your dad", "that depends on what your dad says" and "erm... maybe. Let me check with your dad".

Initially, I was shocked by how much they got away with as DP admitted to letting them get away with cheeky behaviour and almost treating him like a slave because he felt guilty about their mother walking out on them (she had an affair) and then him ending up in hospital a few months later after being attacked and receiving a serious head injury. One of the things that really bugged me was DSS1 getting his dad to get him a drink ("please" & "thank you" weren't regularly in their vocabulary, even to DP's mother) & DSS2 turning on the tears every time he didn't get his own way or didn't want to do something (yes, I know he was 4, but he has a particular whine which really annoys you which you know he's putting it on to get attention).

19 months on, I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant and have a pair of 13 & 5 y/o DSSs who are looking forward to their new baby sibling and are turning into a pair of polite young men. DSS1 is now capable of preparing about 3 family meals (with a bit of help) and even DSS2 will get his own cup of water from the sink himself because he's a "big boy" now. There's still prompting on the P's & Q's from time to time but not much more than I think your average children of that age tend to have. They aren't angels, but I don't expect them to be that - just kind, respectful, capable of doing some tasks by themselves and to consider other people's needs & feelings.

You need to speak to your DP about what the rules will be when his DSs are over and that he makes sure his sons are clear on what is expected of them. Your DP has to take the lead as it's not your place/too awkward (for the time being at least) to tell his sons off if they misbehave/act like stroppy little gits. He needs to spend quality time with his sons, but at the same time he needs to include you (and later on, your LO) in activities as well. He should also let you know if he's planning anything with them beforehand so you know about things rather than finding out when you ask about something else.

Every family set up is going to be different, and I consider myself lucky that I've had a year of breaking getting to know my DSSs before getting pregnant. It's going to be tough for you with being extra tired & hormonal, but your DP has to realise that he needs to be there to support you as well as his DSs.

[brdgrl]

I agree totally with NADM and MrsGypsy. You and DP need to establish clear, firm, and age-appropriate boundaries right now and apply them consistently. Your problem is not so much with the kids, I suspect, as with your DP.

While it is true that it is a shared home now, that does not mean, by the way, that you cannot still have an expectation of some privacy, control, and respect for your things (I expect this with my own DD as well as with my DSCs). You will have already heard a thousand times that you need to compromise - but remember what that actually means; it does not mean martyring yourself or giving up all sources of pleasure in your own life.

I must say that the thing which has continued to bother me since I read your OP was your DP's comment about "ruining their lives". If he can't change both his mindset and the way he presents it to the kids, I think you have a very hard time ahead of you. He should not see it that way - planned or not, if you both have chosen to continue with this, then it is time for him to embrace the idea and be joyful about it; if he doesn't project to the kids that this is a positive thing, they will pick up on that and in a sense it gives them more reason to feel that yes, their lives have been ruined. If he is anxious about it all - understandable - he still needs to try to 'sell' this idea to the kids.

Good luck. I had a DD with my DP (now my DH) rather early on in our relationship. It was planned, but it wasn't definite that we would stay together. It has worked out and the DSCs have completely accepted DD, they love her enormously. We did have to completely change the way things operated in the household though, with new rules and boundaries for the kids. It was tough, but worth it.

[kaluki]

Oh dear - you really have to nip this in the bud.
It is YOUR home as well as DPs. You can set rules and expect them to behave in your house the way you will expect your own child to behave.
Most importantly your DP has to stick to these boundaries too with them.
You will probably find that the dc will respond to the rules more positively than you or your DP expected. They do need boundaries and they won't respect him unless he acts like a parent and not like their lapdog friend.
I have learnt this the hard way - if I had been tougher from the start I wouldn't have half the problems I have today with my stepkids.

[osculation]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I agree 100% that it is a DP problem rather than a DSC problem. As far as I'm aware they've never really had rules/boundaries/routine when they've been with him (he and their mum have been divorced for 6 years). This is definitely not how I want to bring up my child though and I agree that children need consistent boundaries in order to feel safe and secure.

We have decided we need to talk about how this will work long term. I think DP needs to stop being their servant - they are old enough to get their own drinks/ipods/socks/footballs and he needs to stop running every time they call for him, again they are old enough to go whichever room he is in rather than bellowing through the house. I think I need to be more patient and accept that they have been brought up differently to what I know. I grew up in a step-family too but there were always clear expectations of what was expected from us and in both houses the adults were in charge and we did as we were told.

I'm not expecting them to behave like mini-adults and I do have experience of children - my half-sister is also 11 and I know what is reasonable to ask of her -now and 3 years ago.

I don't know if these things would bother me as much if I wasn't introducing my own child into the mix soon. I really don't want my child thinking it's acceptable to speak to me the way DSC speak to DP. They are going to be spending a lot of time here and I want to aim for consistency in the way the DCs are treated - not two sets of rules (or one set of rules vs none at all).

Thank you all again for what you've said.