Need some unbiased advice please

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

I posted awhile ago about how my DP had to leave our home and stay with his parents when he had the SC due to his controlling and manipulative ex, since then things have settled, he has spoken to his ex and told her that things are changing and he will no longer be leaving his home and that our home is also the childrens home so they will be staying here, she initially stopped all contact, took mobiles away and told SC that daddys 'whore' was taking him away from them and he cared more about me than them (they are 13 and 9), but after a few weeks has calmed down (she is seeing someone so wanted rid of the children this week so they could go away).

DP picked them up on Saturday and as we agreed has been staying with them at his parents but we have spent the days togther (all of us) going out, spending the day at our house baking and watching DVD's, walking the dog etc. The children felt comfortable with this arrangement however know that next time will be staying at dads house overnight too!

Basically everything is going great, I'm happy, DP is happy and most importantly the children are happy BUT exw has been phoning me and being quite spiteful, she has reduced me to tears several times and if I don't answer she leaves abusive voicemails, if I barr her number she uses a different one and changing my number isn't an option for various reasons, even if I did she would still be able to find out new one as it would be online for work purposes! I seem to have stopped it for now by telling her that if she rang me again I would have her charged with harressment, that was yesterday morning and she hasn't rang since.

DP doesn't know about the calls and I really don't know whether to tell him or not, he will insist on ringing her and I'm afraid it would blow up, they are not capable of being adult and rational with each other and it would become a huge issue.

My mum thnks he should know and would be hurt if he found out I hadn't told him and I just want to keep everyting going smoothly now that it seems to finally be sorting itself out, what would you do?

Sorry its so long didn't want to drip feed

[idoru]

I think you are handling it well. The abuse was aimed at you and you are dealing with it. You should keep a diary of all the harassing phone calls and messages just in case you need it to prove anything in the future. If she starts up again then I think you will need to discuss it with DP and I would seriously consider reporting her to the police though you need to tread carefully as that would escalate things. The best thing to do is delete her messages without listening and don't answer her calls or hang up as soon as you realise it's her. Ignore her until she gets bored of harassing you, often reacting is the worse thing you can do as it's what they want. Best of luck x

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

Thanks for your reply, I don't react to her at all as tempting as it is to tell her that I think she is a manipulative, unhinged crazy bitch I am un-endingly polite and friendly to her at all times I'm just a bit concerned she will say something to DP and he will be upset that I didn't tell him, all I want is for my SC to be happy and know they are welcome anytime how does that warrant the abuse I'm getting???

[MrsJAlfredPrufrock]

Oh dear. She sounds out of control. I suppose it might serve you well to try and understand what the issue is that is driving her behaviour? Is it that she has feelings for her ex husband still? Or is it that she is worried about the care of the children? Or worried about being left out/sidelined and you becoming a replacement mother? If you are able to understand the motivation behind it, you might be able to set her mind at rest, no?

Sorry for your troubles though, it must be horrendous.

[madeindevon2]

I wouldn't worry about understanding her issues.... She is an adult and should not behave the way she is whatever her issues are.
I went tho something similar to this but not on the scale you are. I feel for you. You seem to be handling it brilliantly. Personally I would tell my dh but make him promise not to do anything or say anything.
It may take a while but things will calm down eventually. You seem strong and very together :-)

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

madeindevon2 even if i made him promise I know he would be so furious that he would say something which is my dilemma if I do tell him it will cause a huge row between them with me and the kids dragged along for the ride, if I dont tell him and he finds out (she would take great enjoyment in telling him if she felt it could do damage) then it could cause a huge row between us as he will be hurt that I didnt tell him, its another one of those damned if you do and damned if you dont moments, i feel guilty for keeping it from him but ill feel guilty if they argue and she cuts contact again!

Just when I think everything is working out

[areyoumad]

Hmmmm, firstly is he seeing solicitor about the ex withholding contact? he needs to get that sorted, and well done for standing up to her.

If I were you I would say very calmly to DP that she's rang a couple of times and made some comments, you were the bigger person and informed her that if she did it again you would be ringing the police and reporting her, could he please not say anything because if he does it undermines any chance of you reporting it and being taken seriously if he kicks off (possible white lie but sounds convincing), it also shows her that it didn't get a reaction.

Good Luck, I can't stand evil ex's.

[MrsJAlfredPrufrock]

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Oh don't be such a drama queen, of course you aren't damned if you do and damned if you don't. You should of course tell your husband. And he should keep his temper and absolutely not rise to it. You can't do anything about modifying her behaviour but you have full and absolute control about the way you deal with it.

Keep calm and carry on. And good luck.

[SquishyCinnamonSwirls]

You can't change her but you can change how you react to it. Tell your dh of course, but he should do the same - ignore it!

[chelen]

Oh gosh, she sounds a nightmare (understatement!)

Re. the contact - do you have a contact order in place? Ex is crazy to try to dictate where contact happens.

I understand exactly what you mean about damned if you do/don't, but ultimately it is up to your DH how he interacts with his ex. TBH, I would be tempted to report her to the police and see if they will ask her to stop.

Oh, and OP you are not being a drama queen, what a very clottish thing to say Mrs Prucock.

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

I'm ignoring the drama queen comment as I have put up with her crap for the past 4yrs so if I want to be slightly drama queenish I have earned the right

I agree it is down to my DP to react in a grown up way so I am going to tell him, I am also going to ring the police as I have just had a rather nasty text from her brother that could be seen as threatening, although I am not in the least afraid I do feel that I should carry through what I said about going to the police.

Yes there is a contact order in place but she is of the opinion that as the mother no one including a judge can tell her what to do with her children, it is an ongoing battle but the current nastyness is new and aimed solely at me whereas in the past she has chosen to pretend I don't exist.

She is a very controlling person and any issues she has is about controlling everyone around her rather than about feeling pushed out or wanting DP back, my feelings are that since DP has started standing up to her and not reacting or engaging in any of her games she has decided to use me as a way of getting at him

[HumphreyCobbler]

not sure why OP is a drama queen? She strikes me as being very restrained indeed under the circumstances.

[nenevomito]

Sounds like a nightmare. I think you're doing the right thing by not telling your DH while the children are with you, but you do need to tell him about it when things are calm, as you are in this together, especially since you've now had the horrible text.

Its awful when people won't put the needs of the children to have a good relationship with both parents above their own petty grievances.