overstepping

[quest12]

since i met my now hubby 10 years ago when his son my step son was 2 ive worked to have a great relationship with him and we enjoy days out shopping having lunch going to theme parks with my bio kids also and his mother has often made snide comments to me from time to time when i pick him up that from the amount he talks about me she thinks he prefers me to her! now i know its not true as my son has a stepmum who is also gud to him but kids love no one more than their mum, but i see his mum must be saying something to him as he will kiss and cuddle me and tell me he loves me in our house but when we drop him home if i go to cuddle him he will go cold and have one eye on his house as if he is thinking he doesnt want his mum seeing him showing me any affection which i understand as i think as a child if shes making comments he might think if she sees us cuddling he will get it even more!!

my problem - am i overstepping? and gud or bad i want your replies, if my stepson is ill i will to to his house with lucozade, paracetemol, and a treat to make him feel better, hes overjoyed i do this and will cuddle me at the door until his mum comes out then he pulls back like im a stranger, when hes at our house at the wkend i go shopping often taking him along, if he sees owt he likes il say get it then and take it home - its normally carton drinks, smoothies, fruit and such for school which he wants but his mum doesnt get so he asks me to buy them, i sent him home this wkend with a box of cookie crisp (i know not best but he loves them - bogof in sainsburys so free one was his - some vitamins and smoothies and choc he wanted and his mum has rang tonight after i dropped him raging "who the f do you think you are are you trying to replace me or what" i replied we had gone shopping and he had asked for the stuff he had but she was adament that i was implying by sending him home with stuff he asked for that she was a bad mother and i was trying to buy my stepsons love by getting him what he wants!!! in reality me and my ss went shopping and he said can i have this and that pls and as i love him i just said yes?

my question is and pls answer truthfully am i overstepping as a stepmum doing this?

[karmathreefold]

To be perfectly honest you sound more like a grandma than a stepmum. Buying food that the child wants - because he wants it - is not typical of a biological mother, and far more typical of a spoiling grandma.

I do think you are trying to buy his love, yes I do. You are belittling the mum by taking him shopping and letting him have what he wants.

AS for taking the lucozade and paracetamol???? You CANNOT be serious??? If my child's stepmum did that, then they would not be welcome to see my child again - that is grossly wrong, and would stop me from ever letting the child near you - irregardless of you having been in his life for 10 years, that is a real slap in the face of the mother.

I understand that you love your stepson but he is NOT your son, and you ARE spoiling him & trying to buy his love. Not wanting his mum to see you cuddling is hardly surprising, she can SEE that you are trying to undermine - you are trying to undermine her, and she feels threatened. Try to see it from her point of view.

As a mum of course we want a stepmum who treats our kids well, but we don't want to be replaced.

You should try to treat your DSS as you would any other child, and not spoil him and let him buy what he wants.

And I'm very surprised that a 12 yr old lad would let anyone cuddle & kiss him - he's probably embarrassed to do it in public

[PontyMython]

Yes I think you are overstepping tbh. Of course you love him and that's great but you need to think about his feelings too - he must feel really awkward having you and his mum in the same room. My DSDs back off a bit when their mum is there too and I've made my peace with that - of course they don't want to upset their mum.

[brdgrl]

Well, you have been in his life for ten years, so I think it is fine and understandable that you have a close and loving relationship with your DSS. Good for you = you have obviously done something right.

But - you asked if you are overstepping, and your DSS's mum has told you she's not pleased. And yes, I think you are. I'm not going to say that you are trying to buy his love or even that you are trying to undermine or replace the mum, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I think you are probably just "trying to make him happy" and perhaps not making some great parenting decisions as a result.

I'd certainly be upset about some of the things you describe. Hell, I'd be upset if my DH did some of those things with our own kids! No one wants to look like the "bad cop" because they are trying to put limits on a child or have some house rules, while the "good cop" gives the kid whatever they want and gets all the fun.

I would suggest that, if the relationship is such that you think it would go over ok, you talk to DSS's mum. Tell her the truth - that you didn't realize you were making things tough on he. Ask her to explain the rules she has for DSS, so that you can work with her instead of against her. (Is he allowed sugary cereal at her home? How often? Would it be OK for you to buy him one treat when you take him shopping?)

You are a parental figure to DSS when he is in your home, and you should of course be entitled to act as one; you and your DP shoudl have your own house rules and the mum doesn't have to agree to those anymore than you can set rules for her home. But since he lives with his mum most of the time (it sounds like you have him on weekends?), it wouldn't hurt to at least be respectful of her rules. She may not feel that you are, presently.

By the way - When my DSS was 12 he would still cuddle with me at home, but he'd have died before doing it in public - that was about the age he was outgrowing it, and sadly, it is a rare thing to get as much as a hug these days - I think you have to keep your DSS's age in mind and not take it personally or get upset about it.

TBH, that applies to some other things, as well. It does sound like you are pretty indulgent with him. - think perhaps you are babying him a a bit, which is probably difficult for his mum, who may be trying to encourage him to act a bit more maturely as he is becoming a teenager soon. And frankly, you are going to end up with problems on your hands - a teenager who plays you off against his mum, and an ex who is angry with you.

[kaluki]

Oh dear. You are overstepping but with good intentions. I can see why his mum is annoyed tbh.
My 11 wont cuddle me in public and I think you are embarrassing him.
Sorry but I really think you should apologise to the mum for undermining her.

[prettyfly1]

Yep you are overstepping. I am glad you love your dss that is great but when he is with his mum it is her time and you have no right at all to interfere in that particularly not to break her rules. I would not be happy with that and I certainly wouldnt do it to dss as it puts him in a horrible position.

[quest12]

thanks for the replies x

[therantingBOM]

I'm sure you mean well but the paracetamol and vitamins things is beyond the pale I'm afraid.

I was all ready to come on and tell you that you're doing the right thing etc etc but although I'm sure it is well meaning, it is too much.

I agree though that his mother is making him feel uncomfortable about you. I can relate to the cuddles and kisses in private then colness and uncomfortableness around Mum... it's really sad. But I think if you back off a bit and just do the lovely things you're doing when he is in your care - rather than his own mother's then she may be a lot more comfortable with you over time.

What makes you think she can't provide paracetamol and vitamins for her child?

[quest12]

its not that i think she cant provide them just that if hes ill he stays at home so if he did come to our house i would want him to have everything he needed so i want to make sure he has what he needs at his house too, i just think of him like i do my own kids and just want to make sure hes ok. xxxx

[TheCuntwormUnderfoot]

'I want to make sure he has what he needs at his house too.'

Err, that's his mum's job, love. And - especially under her own roof, she's also the best person to decide what that is. And that's bugger all to do with you, frankly.

I am astonished that you can't see why she has a problem with you - you sound pushy, interfering and inappropriate. And yes, trying to buy affection. If someone turned up on my doorstep to kit me out with what they deemed necessary for my sick child, I'd go ballistic.

Step back quickly before you piss everyone off even more.

[cloudpuff]

I know you mean well but its his Mums job to make sure that her son has what he needs, she may see you turning up with stuff as criticism of her, if you want to check on how he is then perhaps a text message or phone call to ask how he is feeling would be more than enough.

[WaitingForMe]

You are crossing a line.

My youngest stepson has chicken pox. He showed symptoms while here so so far we've just let his mum know and slathered him in lotion. He's going back in a few hours and while I've done a bit of research and would like him to take a multivitamin with vitamin K in it for the next few weeks, it just isn't my place. DH is going to comment that apparently it can help as can honey on the spots when he drops them off but do it in a casual way.

We'll then hear nothing but the odd text update until we collect them on Thursday. I feel terrible for the poor mite and would do anything to make him feel better and not get scars but so will she.

Crucially I'd be a bit fed up if she'd driven over here so visit him because he was poorly as I'd have felt it undermined DH's ability to care for him.

[TheSpreadingChestnutTree]

I know you mean well, but turning up at his house with medicine is really overstepping the mark. Do you have serious concerns about his welfare when he is at his mum's? If my ex's girlfriend turned up with paracetomol, I would think she had gone insane to be honest. I know you say you think of him like he's your own, but he's not your own. I'm glad you're not my ds's step parent.

[NotaDisneyMum]

I'm struggling to understand why you are questioning yourself and your actions now; presumably, you have behaved like this towards your DSS for some time, and his mum has always been unhappy with it?

What does your DH think of this? Is it something he encourages you to do? Would he prefer you not to? Does he know about it? It must make it very difficult for him to co-parent with his ex if she considers you to be interfering and you refuse to heed her requests to back off.

I consider my role as a step-mum as a supporting one; I follow my DP's lead, and expect him to have all interaction with his exW. I wouldn't consider it appropriate to have independent contact with either DSS or his mum, tbh.

[quest12]

thanks for the opinions x