My partner of nearly 3 years is 15 years older than me with a 5 year old daughter who he coparents. I love them both dearly. We don?t live together as yet. I have my own home which is large enough for them to live in also ? but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of them living with me at present. He currently rents a property which is now two small for the pair of them and I ideally what I would like is for him to rent a bigger place for him and his daughter and for me to try out living with them both. At present I never stay over as there is only one bedroom and it makes me feel uncomfortable to stay there. And am apprehensive about them moving in with me as am anxious that if it didn?t work out I would rather move out than disrupt the home life of his daughter again. We have never been on holiday as a couple together which really concerns me..he is self employed so is conscious of money quite a lot and when he does take time off he wants to go on holiday with his daughter to go visit his mum who lives abroad ? which I totally understand. I did go with them once but found the experience incredibly stressful ? his daughter likes to have things her way which he panders to quite a lot sometimes and I ended up feeling rather cross and then felt incredibly selfish that I was feeling that way. I work really long hours and commute for 4 hours a day..so my time off is precious and I felt like I really needed some time out and ended up running ragged after a child who wanted to share the bed with her dad at night. Fair enough ? but still felt a bit out of my depth. He is a lovely man who I love dearly but I end up feeling cross and resentful a lot of the time. I feel for him as not only is he trying to please me, his daughter but also his ex who has quite a hold over him and is always threatening to move to other parts of the country and taking the child with her. When we first got together he said he wanted to have more children, which was important to me as I wanted to have that option then a year later he changed his mind as he said he felt too old but this year has changed his mind again and says he is keen to try for another child with me. However I feel so anxious all the time, the fact we have never lived together, never actually spent real time together, he also works Saturdays so we only really have Sunday together but then every other Sunday he has his daughter all day and every Sunday evening he has her. When we are together we always have a lovely time whether its just with him or him and his daughter. I am now 36 and he is 51..and I feel that I spend all my time thinking about this situation and whether its right for me. I wonder if I were in the right situation I would have had a child by now. I just feel anxious all the time and have the feeling that we are at different stages and I don?t know how we can fix that. I am aware my body clock is ticking and that I am investing all my free time with a man and a child who I love but also reminds me that I don?t have my own..and I wonder if im just being silly as how would we even manage financially - I certainly wouldn?t want to be commuting 4 hours a day if I were pregnant(assuming I could even get pregnant). Will I end up resentful if im a stepmum and not a mum? I wonder if I?m expecting too much or whether I should let them go as im not appreciating them enough or am I over thinking/analyzing? Am dreadfully confused.
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