To seethe or not to seethe!!!!

[HoHum264]

Hi 1st time poster but active lurker :) Sorry this is fairly long but dont want to drip feed.

Background - DP exw left him for someone else when DSD was 4 DSS 2. He went off the rails and had really infrequent contact with his DC (not excusing behaviour just facts!). I met him about 1 yr later. All came together and he, and then we, regularly saw the DC, overnight stays, regular private maintenance arrangement, holidays etc etc. All seemed good. Our DD born when DSD 14.5. DSD came to live with us, her choice, with her DM blessing, at age 16 - just after she had finished her GCSE's. She then , imo, seemed to 'battle' with me for 'control' of the house. Her Dad worked nights so just me, DSD and the little one in the house in the evenings. All came to a head, I'd had more than i could take and threw DSD out - not homeless i must add, she went to her Nans around the corner and collected her stuff with her Mum the next day. I felt that her dad could have done more to prevent this happening, and i believe that she thought the same. DSD refused to see her Dad for a while. Some of his family supported her, and also allowed him to believe there was nothing he could have done and it was my fault.

Now - DSD is 19 and living with her partner (lovely lad!). DP see's them often, i see her occasionally.. I fully admit that i over reacted at the time and have tried to have this conversation with her. i was the adult and she essentially was the child, however I do think my DP should take some of the responsibility given it is his DD. I want us to get on, and generally we are civil. I am best friends with my SIL, DSD aunty. SIL does not take sides between us and has spoken to her and tried to get her to understand that i have grown up since then, and that she should have also grown up a bit since then (making allowancs for the fact she is only 19). The problem is, that on the occasions that my DSD is at family gatherings / celebrations with me / us (she normally refuses if i am going), she feels the need to try and belittle me in front of the rest of her dads family. She will make comments whilst no-one else is listening to try to upset me (i cry at the soaps so admittedly not difficult!) but also trys to tell me how i should parent our child which especially annoys me. I currently nod and smile and ignore to avoid any sort of confrontation as i am aware that any ensuing row will be my fault regardless.

I have broached this with my DP on a number of occasions but he refuses to get involved - i have accepted this although do not agree with it. My question is, do i confront her or continue to nod and smile whilst seething inside?

Oh and me and DSS get on fairly well although he is now 17 so off doing his thing!

[Seraphina1]

Hi

Two things spring out at me from this.

1. I have broached this with my DP on a number of occasions but he refuses to get involved - i have accepted this although do not agree with it.
   

1. I currently nod and smile and ignore to avoid any sort of confrontation as i am aware that any ensuing row will be my fault regardless.
   

You have my sympathy. However you are being hard on yourself, accepting and avoiding all this despite the fact that it is upsetting you. Whilst I dont think screaming at her (or DP) will do an ounce of good I think you need to give yourself the right to be heard and respected.

Have you thought about the next time it happens (I would strike whilst the iron is hot) just taking her to one side and asking her to stop, now. She is an adult, after all. You need to be very firm and very clear that this is not going to be tolerated. She is bullying you, I fear. You need to take a firm stand and put yourself at the heart of the family.

Lovely to hear that you have so much other support around.. so it might also be a bit of jealousy from DSD? Nip it in the bud, it might be a phase.

So..no more nodding!!

[HoHum264]

Thank you Seraphine for the reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me an ubiased point of view! I thought probably that this is what i needed to do, however thought maybe i was stepping onto ground that doesn't belong to me. I do agree though and think that i have a right to defend myself as a person regardless of being a stepparent so think this is the course of action i may go with! Thank you again for your honest opinion x

[LaDolcheRyvita]

This is an unacceptable lack of respect.

With dp's support, sit down and get the message across. She is behaving like a spoilt brat. You were not the cause of her parent's divorce. You and your partner have been together for years. You have a child. IT IS AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP. If she cannot accept this and cannot control her nastiness, then as an adult she will not be welcome in your home.

Stand up for yourself, please. Don't let her make you the whipping boy in her life, for any and all the shit she feels about her parents, her mothers infidelity and the fact that dad has gone on to find love, happiness and has another much loved daughter.

I am in this situation myself and it is not acceptable. Dh has supported me and sd has now not visited us for 4 months. She is welcome to return but with the knowledge that her behaviour andlack of respect must change.

[Whata]

Lets look at the facts coldly.

Dad abandoned her and did not see her for a while, when it did start again - you were on the scene. I appreciate that was sometime ago, but in a 5-6 yr old head, she probably rightly or wrongly saw that differently.

Great that contact re established and fantastic that she chose to come and live with you and DP - shows she would have appeared to have got over any issues and it was her first real choice in the whole situation as an almost adult.

You admit at some point between 16-17 yrs old, chucked her out of your house. ( rightly or wrongly) Once again her father abandons her. And yes you did make her homeless, she had chosen to live with you and her father and at 17yrs old to then go back and eat humble pie with her mum would have been appalling. Irrelevant that she ended up with her Nan - you and her DP chucked out.

she is now 19yrs old and you expect a teenager to act rationally.LaDolche -she is not making the OP her whipping boy - the OP by her own admission acted like a child, chucked the DSD out of her own home and yes it is her home as much as the OPs DDs home. the DP is her father.

Yes, you and DP need to sit down with her and make her feel part of HER family, she is still part of the family, her sister is still there and both of them are loved by DP - not just one. A few apologies on both sides but this is a good illustration of how step children are never really considered part of The New Family and are suffered not enjoyed.

[AmberLeaf]

Exactly what whata said.

You need to seriously re examine your part in this situation.

That is not to say because of what you did you must pay sufferance, but you need to acknowledge her feelings on what happened, do you understand the impact of what you did to a 16 yr old girl?

You know you fucked up, you are now paying for it. The solution to this lies with you.

Is it possible you DP resents what you did? hence his lack of support now?

[LaDolcheRyvita]

I disagree. Whatever's happened in the past, it doesn't give this young woman the right to behave as she is doing.

My own parents had a messy divorce. I was "abandoned" myself. It did not give me the right to go through my life taking it out on others.

[Whata]

LaDolche - the OP by her own admission ( and it does take guts to realise and admit you screwed up and I respect her for that) is the evil step mother in her SDs life.

no she does not get to behave like this for ever but this is less than 2 yrs and no one has addressed the issues.

she probably wants to sit down and work it out but that requires movement on both sides and eating humble pie on both sides - she is a teenager...

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Not an evil step mother. The 16 yr old chose to live with her dad and step mum. No one made her do that. There was a battle for control? Not acceptable. At sixteen, she was old enough to know how to behave.

I have every sympathy with this OP. She has tried to address the problems. This now 19 yr old is STILL TRYING TO CONTROL the situation.

If her parents had remained together, there'd be ground rules on acceptable behaviour.

OP threw her out? I'd not have done that physically but I would have had a sit down discussion with all concerned and said "this is our home, these are the basic niceties we expect in order for us all to get on, if you don't feel you can do that, it might be better if your reconsider your decision to more into our home".

I reckon, with her partner working night and a new baby and a stroppy (wanting to take over) sd on a full time basis, may just have tipped her over the edge. She is NOT an evil step parent. We are not here to to be abused by these kids.

[LaDolcheRyvita]

Sorry for typos. Bloody iPad keeps changing my sentences!

[Whata]

I know what you mean hate the bloody ipad!

Problem is it is/was HER HOME aswell. By all means point out the rules in this house but then she had been living with them before.

No you are not here to be abused by these kids but hell -does anyone want them and this is her Dad aswell as her Sisters