He's being forced to choose between us - long, sorry.

[deemented]

Things have been voilatile between manshape and his ex since she found out he was seeing me. We've been together over two years now and they have been split up nearly five years. They have a son, who's 12.

There's lots of history... she's been very vocal about her dislike of me. I don't rise to it at all, though it's very difficult. She uses their son like a pawn 'Do as i say or you don't see him' kind of thing. She's been verbally abusive towards me and my children and spat at my baby the last time i saw her.

So. Manshape tries to see his son as often as is possible - three times a week, mon, weds and friday and every other weekend he has him - usually at his mothers on ex's request as she refused to let manshape bring him here. When it suits her she's let him come here, and i've gotten on well with him - he's a nice enough kid.

Before christmas last year when we had all that snow, i was very unwell and completely unable to drive, so coulsn't drive manshape up to see him - they live 30 miles away - and the trains were cancelled and there were no buses, so he simply couldn't get up there.

He recieved a solicitors letter stating that he had to stick to his arranged days otherwise she would refuse access. Then she diecided that she wanted manshape to go up on a Tuesday and a Thursday to take him to an afterschool activity. So he did that, and then she changed her mind again.

She let us have him on the 30th December - we were due to have him til the 2nd Jan, but on the 31st she rang and demanded he come home home otherwise she'd ring the police and say he's been abducted.

Manshape doesn't yet have Parental Responsibility - we actually see the solicitors next week about it.

So, fast forward to this weekend. On Thursday she announced that we could have him for a long weekend and bring him home on Monday. On Saturday S (manshapes son) rang his mum and told her what we'd done that morning and what we'd planned for Sunday and MMonday. Once again she demanded that we bring S home. Again the threat of the police. So we bought him home. He cried all the way.

We were allowed to pick him up on BHMonday to take him to a classic car show.


Yesterday, S said on the phone to manshape that he wanted to have a conversation with him.

Now, S although 12, has asbergers(sp) and ASD.

Manshapes ex rang him later tonight, after he and S had spoken and said that S was going to ask him to chose between him and us.

Tbh i really do think that the ex is putting him up to this - i don't think this is something that S has come up with on his own.

We had a great day on Monday with him - a really good time and he seemed really happy so this has come a bit out of the blue.

Manshape has said that he will not be forced into chosing by anyone. But i'm scared, i guess.

Sorry it's so long, i just needed to vent, i guess.

[Petal02]

God, what a nightmare. Although your partner clearly needs to grow a pair. His ex only treats him like an idiot because he lets her.

[aubergine70]

Sounds to me like you need a good solicitor and a court order deciding access. That way she'll no longer be in control like she is now.

[deemented]

Well, yes. I agree. But he's so scared of not seeing his son at all. And she knows this and plays on it.

[Petal02]

I should add that if he breaks up with you, just to placate his ex, then he's not worthy of your time and attention. Men like that make me so angry.

[deemented]

He'd better bloody not!! If he did then i sure as hell wouldn't want to be with him. No, i can't see that happening i hope

[FreudianSlipOnACrown]

Wow how awful

I can only offer sympathy, and maybe a ray of hope - DH's exW was like this in the beginning. Using the DCs to get to DH etc. She has screamed at their DDs for even mentioning me when they were little, the worst was when DSD was upset and said "I want to live with daddy and Freudian"

But it has got better... ExW has seen that we are together forever, that we've got DCs who are of course siblings to to their DCs, and they all love each other dearly. I think she's accepted it.

still an evil witch though as my thread on AIBU shows

[deemented]

Oh apparently because Manshape and i have a child together, she reckons this has scarred DSS for life.

Yes, he was pushing DS around in his pram on Monday boasting about his baby bother and when we took him home and he got out of the car ds was asleep and DSS woke him up giving him kisses.

Hugely scarred

[FreudianSlipOnACrown]

Oh bless him.

I really hope you can all get through this.

Is there any chance of going for custody at this stage?

I think in a few years he'll want to live with you guys anyway. I'm expecting that with my DSDs because they are starting to see what their mum is really like now.

[deemented]

I think we're going to try.

I know that when manshape and i got together i was taking on his DS, just like he was taking on mine. I just never knew that i'd be taking her on too, and that she'd be so in my face and i'd just have to take it.

DSS said to me the other day 'You're a cunt Dee. At least thats what mum says.' and ' Mammy says you're a nasty cow, but i think you're alright'

What can i say to that?

[FreudianSlipOnACrown]

what a horrible woman.

I'm guessing he wouldn't be repeating those things if he didnt have ASD - she probably knew he'd repeat them

[deemented]

I have no doubt of that.

We shall see what today brings. Manshape goes up this afternoon to pick DSS up from school.

He's reassured me that no matter what happens, our relationship is solid and he's not going anywhere.

I just hate that it's come to this.

[mathanxiety]

Say you're sorry she feels that way if the DSD brings anything up that his mum says about you or his father, and say you hope he knows he's loved by everyone in his father's home and always welcome there.

Hope you have a good solicitor. You need the visitation arrangements cast in stone and some arrangements spelled out for making last minute changes and switches as necessary in case of illness or snow. Try to hammer out an agreement that leaves no stone unturned where communication and times are concerned. Try also to have a clause there where the parties are forbidden from discussing each other or each other's partners with third parties in earshot of the children or with the children themselves. (So no phone calls with friends where the ex is discussed when the DSD can hear you and no remarks made about you or the DSD's father by the mum).

[Stopthenonsense]

With regards to he should 'grow a pair'

If he doesn't have PR and a contact order I should imagine he's worried he won't see his son again.

[HecateQueenOfTheNight]

oh dee, how awful.

I don't understand how a parent can use their child like this. Doesn't she love him at all? Doesn't she care how her poison is hurting him?

Surely as parents, all we want is for our children to feel safe, loved and happy? Not to work as hard as we can to make them feel afraid, miserable and unloved.

I really hope you go for custody.

[deemented]

That's it exactly stopthenonsense - she's threatened to take himto Ireland and not come back before now, and manshapes scared.

Hecate - i would happily sit down with her and try and arrange something that woul be suitable for everyone, but she refuses to meet me.

She is considerably older than manshape and not in the best of health herself, and i know teres a possibility that at some point DSS may have to come and live with us, so i'd like it if we could all get on. Of course, when she finds out we're likely to go for custody anyway i fully expect her to hit the roof.

[Petal02]

With regards to ?he should grow a pair? ? in the early days of my DH?s split, his ex used to try and call all the shots, threatening to withhold contact if her demands weren?t met. DH, like many men, was so scared of losing contact with children, that he would have painted himself green if it meant keeping the ex happy. However his work often meant he couldn?t drop everything ? for example she?d ring up out the blue and say he?d got to collect SS in 30 mins, but DH would be unable to, as he was 4 hours drive away. So whilst he was terrified of upsetting the ex, there were times when he had no choice.

Of course, each time she?d threatened to stop contact, but we?ve realised over the years, that this was never going to happen, she actually prefers SS to be with his Dad, and her modus operandi changed and she used to try and INCREASE contact if DH upset her.

What I?m trying to say is that whilst I can completely understand that the OP?s DP is scared of rocking the boat in any way, I?d be very surprised indeed if his ex tried to stop contact, despite her threats. The OP has said that her DP already has his son Mon, Weds, Fri AND alternate weekends, so it sounds like the ex is quite happy for contact to happen.

I?m very pleased that the OP has already had reassurance from her DP, that their relationship is solid, but the ex sounds really horrible.

[upahill]

Hi Dee.
Blimey you have been through the mill this year already with out this.
Hope you are feeling ok.

I remember the Christmas/New year saga and was happy that DSS was coming over and then how pear shape it went.
I've know expierence over this but all I can think of is to make a record with dates of all the nasty stuff. Mathanixety has good advice.

Hope it works out well but I think you have a long way to go yet.

x

[deemented]

Petal - he picks him up from school on Monday, Weds and Friday and then stays for a couple of hours with him - he doesn't have him overnight the unfortunately.

Upahill- i'm ok. Been better, but i'll get there. I've started making a record of all the contact she's making.

I do feel theres quite a way to go yet, and that it'll get much worse before it gets better.

[Smum99]

As others say all you can do is trust in the legal process and make sure you do keep records of what the ex says and your DSS tells you.

She sounds vile and seems to have major issues. We found that if the ex was in a bad place (latest man dumped her or she was fighting with friends, MILs etc) she would literally lash out at DH. It helped us to learn this as initially we tried to rationalise her behaviour and it's completely irrational.

How is DSS doing in school? Does your DH get involved?