Cautiously optimistic over success with access rota!!!!!!

[Petal02]

I didn?t want to hijack anyone else?s thread ? but yesterday I mentioned that I?d had some success with the access rota, and wanted to update you.

The regulars here know that I really struggle with our ?set in stone? access rota, even though SS is 16. He leaves mainstream school at the end of May, and (GCSE results permitting) hopes to join 6th form in September. SS clings to the rota, and whilst DH would prefer flexibility, is too scared of upsetting SS to dare rock the boat ??

Anyway ? at the beginning of April, SS asked if he could swap a weekend to accommodate something his mother was doing. We don?t mind swapping if we?ve nothing planned. However we have various things in the diary, so DH suggested I sat down with SS and the calendar, and work out something that suited everyone (so far so good). DH and I were away over Easter, and to avoid DH/SS not seeing each other for weeks, I suggested to SS that he popped over for tea on various evenings, even though we couldn?t actually do ?proper? weekends for a few weeks, due to Easter etc. This meant that SS was still visiting regularly, but without the intense, protracted residentials that drive me up the wall.

To my surprise, SS was fine about this. I relayed this back to DH, who was also fine. So for the past few weeks, we?ve completely departed from the rota; SS has still visited regularly, just not on a rostered basis. To be honest, when the visits are shorter ? more of a ?little and often approach? - I find myself enjoying them. Also, we managed to avoid SS visiting when we?re not in; ie DH often has to collect SS, drop him at our (empty) house, then go back to work, and take him back the next day without really spending time with him, simply because the rota dictated this should happen.

Prior to all this, DH had agreed that at the end of May, we could go onto flexible visiting, however (as I posted before) he seemed very reluctant to do this if it didn?t please SS. However I?m beginning to realise that SS is far less delicate than DH fears ?.

So we?re now back from our Easter hols, and for the coming Bank Holiday Weekend we?ve arranged a ?split? weekend, where SS arrives Thurs night, and goes home 6pm Saturday. Which then gives me and DH Sun/Mon to ourselves. So it?s a good compromise, we all seem to be happy with it. Encouraged by this success, I then asked what SS wanted to do the following week (I was trying my best to show willing), and we made some sensible, mutually convenient plans.

I?ve tried my best to approach SS positively, asking him ?when would you like to visit, let?s find some times that work?, and to his credit he?s been fine. I talked to DH about this over the weekend, he said I was doing a great job (!?!?!?) and that he also prefers flexibility, but I should ensure all this is handled very delicately, so that SS doesn?t feel unwanted. I understand this totally, and have indeed been very careful, but I feel so encouraged that we?re finally in a position of sanity. DH did actually say that if SS got upset about the arrangements, then we?d have to go back to the rota. Well over my dead body (although I didn?t actually say that, I wanted to continue with the positive conversation), but DH said he?s quite happy for me and SS to make the arrangements between us from now on. DH mistakenly views SS as totally fragile, whereas the reality is that he?s been quite sensible over making arrangements. As long as he gets to see his Dad, he doesn?t seem to have minded flexibility. DH said it was important that ?we?re always accessible to SS? to which I pointed out that the rota had made things quite the opposite.

So we?ve now got the next two weeks sorted out, I don?t really want to plan much further ahead than that. And the next time SS is due to be here over a weekend, he?s arriving on Sat morning, going home on Sun night, and will be coming to tea midweek. Music to my ears ? as in the Real World everyone considers a weekend to be Sat/Sun, not Thurs-Sun as per Planet Access. And having a midweek ?tea? visit breaks things up, and gives him an ?extra? visit. Of course, I?d far rather that SS had a more age-appropriate life (ie a few friends, the occasional football game) which would have broken the pattern, however I think this is a good result (so far) under the circumstances.

DH has reiterated that providing I?m very sensitive to SS?s needs, I can discuss arrangements with SS myself ? as ?if you two are happy, then I?m happy ???.. ? So I plan to tread Very Carefully Indeed, all I ever wanted was some normality, and it now seems to be within my reach. Wish me luck !!!

[WinterLover]

Yay thats great news Petal I shall be keeping my fingers crossed for you

[glasscompletelybroken]

You must feel like you've won the lottery! You should join the United nations peace keepers for your diplomacy skills. When can you come round to mine???

[theredhen]

Oh well done Petal, you must be very happy.

I too have had an interesting Easter break (in the end ) where we too have had a different kind of access, one that suited both us and the kids and meant DP has actually been able to spend time with ALL his kids rather than just ferrying one around while I look after the rest and it's been very refreshing.

To be honest, I'd rather have "little and often" quality time than trying to pretend days on end of protracted access where no-one seems to get any fun out of it are better.

[Petal02]

GCB - it has indeed been a triumph for diplomacy, coupled with a fair amount of reverse psychology. The more positively disposed I appear towards SS, the more relaxed DH becomes, and he ends up being less defensive and far more reasonable. There have been several occasions over the last few weeks, when I've suggested having SS over for an extra visit, but each time DH has declined.

It's been a case of 'playing the game.' Providing I make a huge, exaggerated effort of indulging SS's sensitivities (or should I say the sensitivities DH fears he may have), making suggestions for when he might like to visit, and fun things we could do when he's here ........ it all seems to run OK. It feels very false to have to treat SS like he's a fragile 9yr old, but the end does appear to justifiy the means.

It also gives DH and I some proper control over our lives, rather than being at the mercy of the damn rota. Again, providing I keep conversations with SS light, positive and upbeat, DH doesn't seem to mind if I fit his visits round stuff we've got in the diary.

However I'm ACUTELY aware that if I put a foot wrong, it could all be back to square one - because at the end of the day, SS holds all the cards; he's only got to get upset about the arrangements, and Daddy Bear will want to protect Baby Bear and would do ANYTHING to keep him onside. So whilst I feel happy and relieved that I've made some early progress, it's rather like holding a priceless vase with slippery hands - one false move and it will all be in pieces.

I know I must sound like I'm being very manipulative - guilty as charged - but if being calm, relaxed and being very pro-SS allows me to escape the rota, then I shall continue. It's like a game of 'lets pretend.' Let's pretend that a strapping 6-footer, who's nearly 17, needs to be treated like Little Bo Peep. And if I pretend skillfully, I get what I want. Weird!!

It's amazing what devious traits I've discovered within myself since becoming a step mother .........

[allnewtaketwo]

Congratulations Petal, and really wish you the best of luck that this continues.

I'm actually very - like I've said before, my chances of doing similar are scuppered by the fact that despite DSS1 being old enough for flexibility, there is no way the childrens' mother would allow the access rota to be disturbed for many years yet with respect to DSS2 (and imo DSS1 will delight in this control for many years to come)

Imagine being able to think what you want to do of a weekend instead of having to think about the Thursday pickups and Sunday dropoffs - good for you

[Petal02]

Allnew - if SS had a younger sibling, then we'd be in your position, and would be stuck with the rota for years to come, with SS perfectly happy to hang on the coat tails of his younger brother or sister.

Redhen - I'm delighted to hear that your Easter turned out better than you expected; how did all that come about???

[theredhen]

Petal,

We had them for a week (when I was at work everyday) and we haven't had them since.

We were due to have them before but ex wife offered to have them so we could have a weekend away and DP (who likes to go out) decided to go with it, even though I said we didn't have to go as it meant him going several extra days without seeing his kids. We were then due to have them afterwards but ex wife decided she was going to keep them for a family occassion and DP hasn't gone absolutely nuts like I thought he would. So we've just had them for a few hours for tea or DP has taken them out while I've been at work.

I'm beginning to think that treating them as guests works much better (as they don't do much in the way of chores anyway) and then DP spends quality time with them when we do see them. I'm happier to be around them and at the end of the day, we both work full time and live miles away, so we're really not cut out to look after 5 kids on a day to day basis are we?

Normality will come back with a vengeance from now on, but I've enjoyed these last few weeks a lot. Sounds like you have too, Petal. Just be careful to play things gently won't you?

[Petal02]

Redhen, I plan to play things VERY gently indeed, although I think it's insane that I have to go to such bizarre lengths to convince DH that Bunnikins isn't being traumatised. He keeps telling me that SS doesn't like change - bur it's not like I'm doing anything to change his life, like a new house, new school or new baby. He still sees his dad just as much, just on slightly different days. DH's perception of SS's fragile state is actually quite inaccurate, and none of the flexible visits of recent weeks seem to have troubled him in the slightest.

However I confess I'm sick of the control SS's wrongly perceived special needs have over our lives, and I am scared that any cross words in the subject could make DH do a U-turn. So I hope to keep up my oscar winning performance for as long as I can!

[Petal02]

SS arrives at 6pm tonight, and he?s going home on Saturday teatime, so it?s only 48 hours. I shouldn?t complain, as if we weren?t operating flexibly, he?d be here til 6pm on Monday, and then back for his mid-week night on Wednesday.

So I?m going to head home from work with a smile painted onto my face, pretend not to notice SS?s apathy and DH?s Disney tendencies, and just PRAY to the heavens that DH doesn?t weaken if SS asks to stay longer ???.

[caramelwaffle]

Petal02

Congratulations: it has been a long time coming and you have been wonderfully patient.

Good luck moving forward and you do deserve peace of mind

[CarGirl]

How's it going? I am so pleased that there seems to have been progress.

[nenevomito]

Petal - Just wanted to say hooray! About time too and long may it last!

[prettyfly1]

yipeeee WELL DONE petal and echoing baby - long may it remain xx

[NanaNina]

Yes petal - your diplomacy has paid off. I have just been on another thread telling a beleagured step mom that when they become teenage the contact often falls off as they have their own friends and activities (that's what happened with mine anyway) and was I relieved..........this is all a long time ago now but I still remember feeling sick on the drive to pick them up and even worse on the drive back, knowing I had to cope for 2 weeks in school holidays and every other weekend. We couldn't even afford the petrol to drive the 100 mile round trip to get them, but Dp like all the Disney dads we hear about on here (loved that phrase - it was so apt) would never countenance missing any access time.
Step parenting is not natural - animals don't do it. In fact the male lion kills the young of the lioness he wants to mate with, if he has not fathered the young.

SO..................none of us step parents are doing so bad, though must confess to wanting to strangle my SD at times!

[Smum99]

I love to hear Step parent success stories and as you say everyone is happy:0
Well done and so pleased for you

[Petal02]

Update: the weekend went really well; SS arrived on Thurs pm, I felt quite relaxed about it, knowing that he would be going home on Sat pm. On Sat pm DH announced it was time for SS to go home, SS was fine about it. DH said that 'we'll see you on Weds for tea, and then Petal will look at the calendar with you and find some more dates for you to visit over the next week or so." SS said that he'd prefer to go back to the rota so that "everyone knows where they are", but DH responded that he would prefer to remain flexible, and that the flexible arrangements are working well in his opinion. SS didn't say anything else.

That evening, I mentioned this to DH, who reassured me that things could stay as the are (ie, flexibility) as he thinks I'm doing a great job with the arrangements (!!!!) and that it's better this way .......

Maybe there IS a god ??????

[glasscompletelybroken]

Sounds good to me! I'm approaching (thank goodness) the end of a Thurs-Mon stint. I'm so tightly strung at this moment you could play a really good tune on me!

[Petal02]

You have my sympathy. Thurs to Sun used to be hard enough, but stretching it out til Monday was always a bridge too far. And of course, even if we'd had him from Thurs til Mon, he would still be back again for his mid week night on Weds, only giving us one day of respite in the space of a week.

I hope you've got a bottle of wine ready for tonight?

[glasscompletelybroken]

Oh yes!