Confused & need some help please...

[MeelooMouloo]

Will try to be brief.
DS is 11, me & DH married 3.5yrs, 2 dc under 3 yrs.
DS has regular weekly contact with his dad, my ex-husband. I have no contact with ex other than exchange details re: DS & then usually by tel or txt. Took many yrs to get to this level of amicability & many family court appearances. On the whole though he has been good dad to DS.

DH's behaviour towards DS (his SS) has me concerned. He hates my ex. Has what I feel are unreasonable demands regarding the contact I have with the ex, the most recent being that DS is not to be allowed to come home after school on the days that the ex picks him up (he collects his ipod rather than take it in school) as it's breeding familiarity with the ex who MAY be inclined to come to the door at some point rather than sit out in the car. The last time he actually came to the door was over 4 yrs ago and following a discussion about DH being uncomfortable with it he hasn't done so since.

DH obviously has some sensitivities over ex, have discussed these over the years (he feels he was 2nd choice, thinks I defend him etc) & I agree that ex will never need have any communication with our DC but this now means that they cannot even be in the car when I go to collect DS "just in case ex comes out & they see him" (in fairness ex does not have the nicest personality)

Tonight we have had huge row over this as I feel DS should be allowed to collect his stuff & he says he shouldn't. Personally I feel that he uses issues with ex to cover his issues (poss. jealousy) of DS. He is frequently negative about DS. DS does have a genuine affection for DH but is also very guarded & worries constantly about upsetting him.

Am I being blinkered in this or is something amiss somewhere. Just to add I have no feelings regarding ex. Contact is minimal & this suits us both, we will never be friends but need to have some communications for DS's sake.

[prettyfly1]

No something is definitely amiss. Ultimately you and your ex share a child so some contact is to be expected and punishing your son for spending time with his dad is ridiculous and harmful. It almost sounds like he is starting to try and push your son out - is it possible he is being mean because he is a reminder of your ex? If so you need to put your foot down right now - your son should have no fear of seeing either parent.

[MeelooMouloo]

Have been thinking the same tbh.
DS is not allowed to talk about anything to do with his dad when DH is around but then DH will complain if I agree to things such as ex taking DS on hols or changing access days without letting him know.
Tries reasoned discussion tonight, accepted that we have totally opposed views on this but could we come to soe comproise. Was told that I always put his feelings at the bottom of the list, that there is no compromise & if I don't do something about it then he will but when I asked what he just sulked and wouldn't answer. He also gets upset if I make any mention of my life before DH was in it, such as when I commented that my old house had a lovely garden & I missed having one, there was a huge row & I was told that I shouldn't keep talking about my past???
Feel like me & DS have to have whispered conversations all the time & that DH is always trying to trip us up about arrangements & details of where we've been etc. if there is even the remotest chance we may have bumped into the ex.
(ex is in another relationship, has been for some time & is expecting another child - defo holds no candle for me)
Really gettin me & DS down. Am at the point of calling time tbh. We had counselling last year & was some discussion regarding DS & ex. Nothing was resolved though.

[mdoodledoo]

It sounds to me that your DH is being hugely unreasonable - as a stepMum I have come to realise, with initial difficulty, that I simply must accept that the ExW is going to be in my life for the foreseeable future. It still sometimes pisses me off a bit that there are almost daily texts, e-mails and sometimes phonecalls between my DP and his ExW, but in my heart I know that they are simply to make arrangements. They are friendly but business like in nature and certainly not affectionate. I have learnt that you have to accept these as a fact of the relationship that you have chosen - and if you fight against it, or allow yourself to get upset by it, then it's going to twist you up inside...and for no reason at all in my case.

I don't like ExW coming to the house, but after the initial 'inspection' of our new joint home she's only come once - that's twice in a year so not at all bad. I do think it's really important that the DSC can talk about their lives and the various people in their lives with anybody. They talk about Mummy here and I know they talk about me when they're with her. IMO it's got the potential to be damaging for your DS to have to reject/deny his Dad by not talking about him when your DH is around, & for him to be denied the opportunity to collect his belonging/s (iPod) is wrong. Again - I don't love doing it, but there have been plenty of times when we've dropped/collected bits and bobs at/from Mum's that have been forgotten or are needed. It's a reality that you just have to deal with.

It does sound like your DH is struggling massively with low confidence and feeling inferior to your previous partner/marriage. Did counselling dig about at that?

I know my post doesn't offer anything in terms of help, but maybe the perspective is of interest.

[theredhen]

I also feel that your DH has confidence and self esteem issues. His jealousy towards your ex husband is not justified from what you have said at all.

He is punishing your son for having a different Dad and that is not on.

My feeling is if you don't stand up to him and allow your son to do what is sensible, that your DH will end up either trying to stop DS from seeing his Dad or pushing him away so that he no longer lives with you.

You say that DS is scared of upsetting your DH, you know that that is not right and your son could end up being very resentful as he comes to his teenage years especially if you don't stick up for him.

Do you think you could get him back to counselling?

[MeelooMouloo]

He does have terrible confidence issues. It permeates all his relationships inc. with parents, work etc. He is always complaining about how bad his life is, no time to himself, can't do the things he wants to etc. Quite immature in many ways.

I have to stick up for DS constantly, so much so that this in itself has caused resentment. DH cannot accept that his attitude & subsequent behaviour are causing a lot of the probs he's complaining about. I also feel that he is pushing DS away, which is really sad because DS has always been v affectionate & accepting of DH from the very beginning.

It was good to hear your point of view mdoodledo as you are a step parent yourself. I try really hard no to be unreasonable in these matters as I know it can be really hard to take on someone elses children.

Have asked him go back counselling but he won't. Basically told mei either do things his way re: ex or we split, but he won't make that decision, he expects me to end the relationship instead.

[mdoodledoo]

Hello again Meeloo - it is really hard to take on someone else's children sometimes and it does seem that some people find it harder than others for a whole load of reasons. But - I come back to my point that if this is the life and relationship that your DH has chosen then he has to find a way of accepting a reasonable reality - one which is suitable for everyone in the family.

I don't agree with those people who say 'you know what you're getting into - you mostly really don't even if you think you do! But - when you do see and understand what you've gotten yourself into you then have a choice - in or out? This is the choice that your DH faces, and if he won't commit to 'in' with all the good, bad, difficult and wonderful that 'in' entails then you have a choice about whether to accept what he's offering - bloody tough choice, but a choice for sure.

Can you imagine your life without him - once the shitty first weeks/months have passed and you're settled into your next chapter? How does that feel? Can you accept the consequences of staying put - for you and your DS?

[prettyfly1]

And what exactly is this choice he is expecting - choose a life of suspicion, negativity, abuse towards your son (as alienating him from the family is exactly what this is) and resentment? I know what I would be choosing frankly. I too am a step and I hate the presence of the ex, but it is what it is and I bite my tongue when dss talks about his mum, smile sweetly, help him make mums day cards and behave like a grown up, because if the shoe were on the other foot that is what I would want. I slate her here because it is safe and means I can be constructive in my real life. If he wont go to therapy for the sake of your son I think you need to really consider the choice you need to make. He shouldnt be ashamed of seeing his dad, it isnt fair.